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AIBU?

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Original poster

So cross with him..( sorry really long)

15 replies

frenchisbest · 19/05/2012 11:47

We have been together for 10 years now and I knew he had baggage when i met him.. Since them we had 2 little one, loads of ups and a few downs usually due to his dd behaviour (stealing stuff from us, lying...getting piercing... ) which I think is due to her family not bringing her up properly but we tried our best to set a good exemple to her and always agreed on the best ways to deal with the situations..... And most of the time she is a great girl and we all got along pretty nicely..

But at the moment it is very difficult... He really changed ( grumpy, tired, not so loving a bit lifeless iyswim) since his dd turned 15 and she kind of decided that we were boring and she dont really want to see us..(fair enough she got her own friends and life and i really believe it a phase). Basically now she only comes down if its her birthday or a nice day out or there is something for her... Or will say she will come to change her mind at the last minute...
The problem is I cant talk to him about her, he gets so very defensive. Just last night I told him I wish we would know when she is coming so that way we could make plan with or without her to be totally ignored and them told soon she wont be coming anyway and I will have my wish??
This morning he told me he promised her £150 if she improves her studying and her attitude at school, and get good GCSE next year after I just find a bill for the mobile phone contract he pays for her running up to £40 a month!!! When it should be £15...
All I said was I wish we could have discussed it and imo maybe £150 was a bit much... And maybe teaching to be pround of good grades would be much better. To be told that since we haven't got our money together it was his money to be used however he likes.. I just couldn't talk about the phone bill after that I am so cross with him...

OP posts:
Olympia2012 · 19/05/2012 11:49

Why are you cross with him? Because he doesn't do it the way you want?

PurplePidjin · 19/05/2012 11:57

You sound quite negative about her in your post, could that be how he perceives it when you talk to him about her?

Olympia2012 · 19/05/2012 12:03

purple I thought that too, it's how it came across to me. Sad

ladyintheradiator · 19/05/2012 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OldGreyWiffleTest · 19/05/2012 12:08

Of course children of 15 think their parents are 'boring'. Happens whether it is your own DC, or DSD! As long as she stays in touch (hmm!) don't worry. As for offering her £150 to do well in her exams - well every little helps.

If you don't have your finances together, then you should!

Birdsgottafly · 19/05/2012 12:11

My DD (16) has piercings and was difficult at 14, she is now completely settled down.

She has been brought up properly.

She is her own person and doesn't have to live up to your expectations. If it is his money that he is spending, then it is up to him.

My DD's prom has just cost £200, she has worked hard to get the grades that she will get and so i felt that she deserved it.

If £40 is all that he gives her a month, then it isn't a lot. It depends on if she gets pocket money on top.

You both seem to have a different attitude to how teens should be treated.

Original poster
frenchisbest · 19/05/2012 12:14

Oh no.. I didn't mean to be negative about her, as I said she is mostly a great girl when with us. And I do really treat her like my own. But still a teen, I just hope you are wrong and if not why cant he tell me???
I am cross because he wont discuss anything about her with me... When we used to be so close and together for everything..

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 19/05/2012 12:15

£150 is £10 per A grade - some of my friends were offered that as an incentive before the millennium

15yos don't want to be stuck with boring parents, that's completely normal. Ditto the piercings.

I think you need to sort out how you communicate with your P. Try changing your body language and tone of voice, very few people are aware of how others perceive them. 55% of communication is body language, 38% tone of voice, and only 7% is the actual words!

You can't control his behaviour. You can control your reactions to it :)

AmberLeaf · 19/05/2012 12:19

a few downs usually due to his dd behaviour (stealing stuff from us, lying...getting piercing... ) which I think is due to her family not bringing her up properly but we tried our best to set a good exemple to her and always agreed on the best ways to deal with the situations..... And most of the time she is a great girl and we all got along pretty nicely

Her family? your DH is her family as well you know!

You do sound negative about her and if you have said these sort of things to him then I can see why he thinks you dont like her.

She sounds like a normal 15 yr old.

QuintessentialShadows · 19/05/2012 12:24

Well, you cant be close and together if he senses this negative attitude from you regards his daughter!

She is 15! He wants her to have a phone, be a good dad, be available when she wants to see him, he wants to encourage her to do good in school in his limited way!

And there you are, moaning about the lack of effort on her side, moaning about her attitude, moaning about not having enough notice when she comes, moaning about how he tries to encourage her to study.

You are going to be driving a very big wedge between you and your dp over this!

Cravey · 19/05/2012 12:26

If he is not seeing so much of his dd maybe this is why he is behaving in a different way. She sounds like a normal teenager to me in fact compared to me at her age she sounds like an angel. I think you have to leave them to the relationship for a while in order to work it out. I also agree you sound a tad negative towards her and as another poster said he is her family so you can't blame her behaviour on them really. It also maybe helpful not to refer to his baggage which he had when you met him. This could be read as her being said baggage not a nice thing to say.

DPrince · 19/05/2012 12:29

I also think he is picking up on your negativity and the fact you don't see yourself as 'her family'. Sorry but your post makes me feel a little sorry for your dad and can understand your dhs actions.

DPrince · 19/05/2012 12:32

Sorry I meant sad for your dsd.

Original poster
frenchisbest · 19/05/2012 12:34

Thank you purple will try that, a bit stressed with money and work at the moment, and maybe I come across to blunt and need to tone it down... I do think we need a chat but will wait a few hours.

OP posts:
maristella · 19/05/2012 12:42

It came across that you do not see her in a positive light I'm afraid.
It also seemed as if you resent your DP for being her parent.

A good NRP will fork out to keep the lines of communication open (mobile phone).
A good step parent will see past the difficult teenage behaviours, and she really does not seem bad at all, and accept and welcome the stepchild.

She does not have to be all smiles all of the time, she is allowed to pick and choose when she visits vs sees her friends, she is allowed to have her father spend money on her, she is allowed to have a financial incentive for her GCSEs.

If my partner spoke that negatively about my child, they would not last long with me! Maybe your partner is reaching a point where it is becoming too much? I would strongly advise anyone against making their partner choose between them and their children....

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