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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be gutted that ex-h's wife is pregnant?

25 replies

Peppin · 18/05/2012 21:13

Our DCs are 10 and 8. We divorced 6 years ago. He shacked up with her straight away and she stopped working straight away. She was 34.

After many rounds of IVF - which they told the DCs about and expected them to keep it a "secret" from me (why?) - he told me today that she is 20 weeks PG. 20 weeks!

I am not happy, which clearly makes me a biyatch. AIBU?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 18/05/2012 21:14

It's hard to say really.

Do you know why you're not happy about it?

Shakirasma · 18/05/2012 21:16

Why are you even bothered?

AkhalTeke · 18/05/2012 21:19

I can see why this would make you feel a bit crap, tbh.

invicta · 18/05/2012 21:22

Why are you upset? Is the pregnancy proof that he will not be coming back to you? Are you worried that he will favour his new child over your two children? If he has proved a reliable father, then this probably won't change.

missmalteser · 18/05/2012 21:23

Are you still in love with him? I couldn't give a fiddlers feck if my ex pj's new partner for pg, as long as he maintained his relationship with dd, is that a concern? I am genuinely puzzled as to why you'd be gutted?

PrematurelyAirconditioned · 18/05/2012 21:26

Is she the OW?

Original poster

Peppin · 18/05/2012 21:28

Am afraid the DCs will feel second best

OP posts:

themaltbycrew · 18/05/2012 21:29

I totally see your point. Her children are related to your children now. They have siblings that are nothing to do with you.
That would get to me too. Even if i didnt love him anymore. Im sure you'll get used to it in time xx

PrematurelyAirconditioned · 18/05/2012 21:31

If you were pg would you make the DCs feel second best? Why do you think they will? (genuine question - I realise it's not impossible)

squeakytoy · 18/05/2012 21:37

what are you "not happy" about?

Krumbum · 18/05/2012 21:37

I get it. I imagine you feel like he will have this new relationship with another child that he should just being hsving with yours and his children. I think this is a natural reaction. Its irrational but we believe ppl are ours when we have been in a relationship with them even if we don't want them anymore.

squeakytoy · 18/05/2012 21:40

There is no reason your kids should feel second best. My stepchildren have a sister who has a different dad to them and they dont ever consider her to be a "half" sister. She is their sister. And they are all loved equally. Even though she isnt my husbands daughter, I consider her a stepdaughter too, and we include her in anything that all the kids are involved in.

FallenCaryatid · 18/05/2012 21:40

So no chance of you working with the other adults involved to try and help the children build a relationship as siblings then?
Yes, you do sound a bit confused, don't get the resentment personally.
What sort of a father is he to your two? Do you have a new partner?

WorraLiberty · 18/05/2012 21:43

Do your kids have a good relationship with her?

fedupofnamechanging · 18/05/2012 21:44

I would hate this too. As their mother, you want to protect your children's position in their dad's life and for them to be the absolutely most important people to him. Now there will be another child whose claim on him equals that of your children and that he will love as much as he loves them.

Also, nothing says 'moved on' like having a baby with someone else - even if you no longer love him, it's natural to feel a twinge.

LynetteScavo · 18/05/2012 21:44

YANBU.

I was gutted for a friend when her exP and his new DP announced a pregnancy. Why? I have no idea, but it still hurt.

It's a bit I don't want to be with you and our DC, but I will happily have DC with another woman. Mixed in with him having chosen another woman over your DC.

Moving on can be hard.

peanutbutter38 · 18/05/2012 21:45

I get it.
This has happened to a few friends of mine.
Their ex eventually goes on to make their new woman pregnant. The ex now sees brand new offspring every day of the week whilst seeing his first set of kids when he feels like it every other weekend. Being an every other weekend Dad is totally different to being there night and day. So no, YANBU.

Jix · 18/05/2012 21:53

I feel bad for you too. To discover she's pregnant at 20 weeks is way down the line, but I guess there would never have been a "good time" to find out.

I think it's just a confirmation that life has moved on, and things are happening that you're not a part of. I completely empathise.

Please treat yourself very kindly this weekend.. and then start trying to rationalise it.

Noqontrol · 18/05/2012 21:54

No you're not a biyatch. It's probably just a bit of a shock to you, maybe because ex has moved on and a new baby is a sure sign of it, and probably because that child will be a half sibling to your children. Give yourself a bit of time to deal with it, try and see some positives and then work on building a good relationship with the other woman. I think if there is a good relationship with her, then it will be of huge benefit to your children. I've not been in your position but I'm sure I wouldn't feel great about it either. You had your children with him, which is such a huge emotional thing to share with someone, then it would be hard to see him move on and have children with someone else, even years down the road. I guess that's just normal to feel like that.

MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/05/2012 21:59

Bit different as I'm the new woman. I do understand how you feel though. All I can tell you is that we made extra effort to spend time and attention with both my and DHs DCs. Having said that DSD spends half her time with us so perhaps was at less risk of feeling left out than with an every other weekend arrangement.

OTOH please don't do what my DHs ex did, try and put the idea in DSDs mind that once the baby arrived DH wouldn't want her any more :(

elvisaintdead · 18/05/2012 22:05

yanbu to find it hard, of course you're not. What would be unreasonable would be to offload that onto your ex or the children - find a good friend and have a sob if you need to but you need to find a way to deal with it

Original poster

Peppin · 18/05/2012 23:11

I am afraid because ex-h has always been fixated with having the DCs live with him instea of me - he insisted on moving to London and as soon as he had made me go back to work and got his new GF (now wife) to give up work and keep house for him, I started hearing from the DCs how she was telling them the only reason they had ended up with me was because Daddy had had a job and Mummy hadn't, but now Mimu had a job, the DC's would be much better off with them than with me as at least step-mother was at home available to look after them. Poor DCs were very conflicted about this.

What sort of person says that to infant children?

Now Ex-h is going to be even more obsessed with having "his family" all together. I have to work to pay our bills. What if the DCs want to go and live with them all the time to be with their baby sibling more?

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 18/05/2012 23:16

Your ex won't get custody of your dc because you have a job. If he starts saying shit like that, tell him to increase his child support/maintenance payments and you'll happily be a sahm! He has chosen to remarry and have a new family - he is no position to criticise you having a job to support your dc, given that he has put himself in a position where he cannot/will not cover the entire cost of supporting them/you himself.

MsIngaFewmarbles · 18/05/2012 23:31

at him, how awful. He can do nothing believe me. If you are concerned though that he might try this then perhaps you could gently prewarn the DCs?

And what Karma said.

Also my friend had evidence (mobile phone video) that her ex was physically and verbally abusing their 2 dc when he had contact. The courts wouldn't change contact arrangements for that, they certainly won't for this situation.

FoxyRoxy · 18/05/2012 23:38

I understand your concerns, I always said that when my XH and his new gf had kids he wouldn't be bothered with ds anymore and that's exactly what happened. Luckily my DH picked up the slack but it's still sad to see your child knowing they're second best.

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