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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not feed DP?

22 replies

MyDaydream · 18/05/2012 19:33

DP spent the day with his friend today, so I called him in the afternoon asking if he was going to be home for dinner, or if I should just pick up something we could both eat separately He said he'd be back to eat with me, and I specified that being home for dinner was being through the door between 6 and 7pm and to call me when he knew when. He said that was fine, this was at 2.30 so he would still have 2.5 hours with his friend before he had to leave to come home.

So I went and spent a bit more money on dinner than usual, was really looking forward to it and it's really what I fancy for dinner tonight. When I got home I had a nap, then at 6.30 got woken up by DP saying "I'm still at my friends house but I''ll be leaving soon". I'm furious, I asked if he was going to do this and he said no.
At 7.10 he calls me and says he'll be home in an hour, which isn't true he's two hours and three buses away at best. I tell him everything above, that I asked if he would be home for dinner and he said yes, and that I'm hungry and have put off eating so I didn't fill up and spoil dinner. That there was several points in the day he could have called and told me that he wouldn't be home, but he didn't. He could even have told me right there this afternoon that he was going to stay late and I wouldn't have given a flying fuck, he could have stayed there all night if I knew what was going on. It's all I ever ask from him, keep in touch, keep me in the loop
He just doesn't get it. He never fucking gets it, he lives in his own little world of "it'll all be all right just chill out" never understanding why I'm getting a bit pissed off if we're running late and he's pissing about. Because I'm the reason everything runs on time and works out. If we left it all to him it'd be a massive pile of shit and nothing would ever get done.
So AIBU to tell him to fuck off, make his own fucking dinner and leave me the fuck alone tonight? I'm already pissed off with him about something that happened yesterday, and this special dinner was partly to put that to one side and forget about it. Now I'm just doubly pissed off.

*and if I'm not being unreasonable, does anyone want to come over for dinner? The reason it's so special is there's chocolate fondants, ice cream and strawberrys for afters.

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 18/05/2012 19:34

How annoying.

I will come and eat with you!

ChitChatFlyingby · 18/05/2012 19:36

YANBU - tell him to fuck off - I'll come over and share it with you instead !!!!

DH used to do these sorts of things many, many years ago. After a few "Fuck offs you selfish git"s he worked out that it twas not a good idea to piss me off like that.

oiwheresthecoffee · 18/05/2012 19:39

Id eat myself it then fuck off to bed/whatever you fancy doing.

MrsMangoBiscuit · 18/05/2012 19:41

Have dinner and leave him to sort himself out when he gets in. Yes, he's being thoughtless when you're doing him the kindness of feeding him, I'd be pissed off too, but to be honest, you sound like you're enabling him, sorry. If you're constantly doing all the shit work and he's taking it all for granted, he probably has no idea what it takes to keep things running smoothly. Stop doing it all for him and let him flounder for a bit if he's taking the piss. For more than a bit if you like.

mumeeee · 19/05/2012 12:42

I was going to sat YABU but seen it'd a special dinner YANBU. Can you have the dessert tomorrow? If so just have you dinner and plate up his and leave it for him to heat up

Firawla · 19/05/2012 12:44

you are really overreacting! so yabu

Nagoo · 19/05/2012 12:48

I'd cook it, leave his in the bottom of the oven to dry out, enjoy mine with a and then get very engrossed in a film he was not allowed to talk over.

HecateTrivia · 19/05/2012 12:49

I don't think you are being unreasonable. It isn't unreasonable to want someone to do what they said they were going to to and to let you know if they'd decided to change their plans when that change affects you - ie you don't prepare the dinner for two that you had planned to prepare based on them telling you they would be eating with you.

MadameMessy · 19/05/2012 12:50

Ooh bit of an overreaction I think. If this was reversed and it was him checking when you would be home for dinner I think it would be seen as a bit controlling.

SpottedGurnard · 19/05/2012 12:52

YANBU. I would be raging if I was sat there expecting to eat at 7 and they didn't appear.

( can you tell I get really grumpy when hungry? )

HecateTrivia · 19/05/2012 12:54

I disagree that it's controlling to want to know one way or the other, when you aren't really bothered one way or the other, you just want to know, so you can cook for two or not.

Telling her he is coming - keeping on telling her he is coming - I'll be there, I'll be there in an hour, I'll be there - and then not, is not on. Particularly when she was very clear that it didn't matter one bit if he wanted to stay where he was, she just wanted to know, so that she knew whether she was going to eat with him, buy food in, wait, whatever.

How is that controlling?

Surely controlling would be demanding he attended? Not simply asking to know what his plans were since they had a knock on effect on her plans?

BambieO · 19/05/2012 12:57

I definitely do not think YABU, I have been there done that and gotten the Tshirt with matching socks! It used to drive me insane!!!!

It's very selfish and inconsiderate, a text would take five mins and if he is anything like my DH he would have been fully aware he would be late lol. DH seems to have finally gotten the message after how many rows about it. It doesn't take much just to let you know, it is common courtesy.

Eat his dinner and yours hahaha x

OneHandFlapping · 19/05/2012 12:57

Bugger saving the desert for tommorrow. Eat it all yourself.

blackeyedsusan · 19/05/2012 13:32

male fridge blindness is your friend. hide the good stuff at the back of the fridge

you want to know so that you can plan... not uneasonable at all. next time I would not prepare anything for him and if he complained say that you have got fed up waiting for him and him being unreliable.

Rubirosa · 19/05/2012 13:39

YANBU, this would really piss me off too. And if it was the other way round it wouldn't be controlling - telling someone they have to be home at a particular time is controlling. Asking if they will be home so you can organise a nice dinner (or not) isn't.

I'd be pissed off because it is selfish and thoughtless behaviour. He is saying your time/plans don't matter and are no concern of his.

LetsGetItOn · 19/05/2012 13:49

what adult needs a nap in the day lol

SPsFanjoHarboursDeadCats · 19/05/2012 13:51

Starve the basterd

NaughtyElephantsSquirtWater · 19/05/2012 13:56

LetsGetItOn that's not relevant and a load of rubbish. Plenty of people take a nap if they get the chance, I know I certainly do even though DD is older now and not keeping me up at night.

Sarcalogos · 19/05/2012 14:12

RetroMom · 19/05/2012 14:13

LetsGetItOn What's a siesta?

So something happened and the dinner was to smooth things over and he's not bothered to get himself home on time to join you? No, YANBU. He sounds like he's deliberately avoiding the smooth over. Wonder why?

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/05/2012 14:13

How did it go when he returned last night MyDaydream? It sounds as if this is not a one-off, more of a straw that broke the camel's back. I'd be inclined to follow MrsMangoBiscuit's advice.

Nanny0gg · 19/05/2012 14:33

If I get the opportunity I nap every day, and have done since I was first pregnant 30 years ago.

OP - you are not U nor are you controlling, Controlling would be telling the DP to be home by a certain time.

Asking him to tell her what time he has decided to come home and expecting him to be home at that time, when she is going to the bother of cooking for him is perfectly reasonable.

And if he has 'form' for this I can see why it would be infuriating.

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