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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take my friend instead of my husband?

58 replies

TheUnMember · 18/05/2012 11:49

My brother is getting married soon. We live abroad and didn't think we'd be able to make it because of the cost. I know that he is really tight on numbers and has rowed big time with his inlaws to be about it. The invite arrived yesterday. It says me, husband, daughter, daughter's fiancé. I got all upset because we can't go (until then didn't think I was that bothered). Husband has raided the piggy bank and thinks we could manage 2 tickets, for me and daughter. [happydance]

Would I be unreasonable to ask my friend to come with me in place of my husband? Would it be really cheeky to ask my brother? We don't have the best of relationships and I don't want to upset the apple cart. But at the same time, my friend is closer to me than most of my family and I rarely get to see her since emmigrating. If I don't get to bring her along, I won't get to see her for at least another year :(

OP posts:
BuntyCollocks · 18/05/2012 12:09

YABU. I wouldn't have wanted a complete stranger at my wedding.

QuickLookBusy · 18/05/2012 12:14

I think you should just make some time to see your friend whilst you are here.

WHat time is the wedding on the Saturday?

PatriciaHolm · 18/05/2012 12:15

Can't you have dinner with her when you arrive? Sunday brunch?

You can't take a person of your choice in lieu of a husband.

BalloonSlayer · 18/05/2012 12:20

No, if numbers are tight your brother will probably be relieved that two people can't come, so he can invite two others.

He won't want your friend there instead of one of HIS friends.

bobbledunk · 18/05/2012 12:23

I don't understand why you're paying for your daughter, if she is old enough to be engaged then surely she is an adult capable of paying for herself if she wants to go.

You should go with your husband and meet your friend later, it would be rude to bring her to the wedding when she is not invited and numbers are tight.

Original poster
TheUnMember · 18/05/2012 12:29

I accept what everyone is saying. I asked whether it would be unreasonable or not because I didn't I know. Now I do, so I won't be doing it. Don't get why this make me insane or petulant. Confused

I won't be able to make another time to see my friend. Our flight gets into Stansted at 10.40pm Friday. Wedding is 1.00pm in village in Oxfordshire. Flight leaves Stansted next day at 7.10am. Friend lives in Warrington.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheUnMember · 18/05/2012 12:30

I don't understand why you're paying for your daughter, if she is old enough to be engaged then surely she is an adult capable of paying for herself if she wants to go.

She's 19 and still at school.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2012 12:32

It's the way you've come across with the 'reasons' throughout your thread. The question itself was a no-brainer really but I understand idle musings and getting other views.

Maybe see if you can change your flights to a day earlier/later/different airport - have a 'breakfast catch-up' at the airport - or ask friend if she'd like to come out and visit you?

Original poster
TheUnMember · 18/05/2012 12:43

The question itself was a no-brainer really but I understand idle musings and getting other views.

It wasn't idle musings, it was a genuine question. It's now clear to me that the answer was obvious to others but it genuinely wasn't obvious to me. I'm autistic so don't have access to social rule book that everyone else seems to be born with. That's not drip feeding. I didn't think it was relevant to the question until I started being judged for not knowing the answer in the first place.

OP posts:
HipHopOpotomus · 18/05/2012 12:47

He's your brother, not some arms length stranger. Does he knows your friend? Are other guests getting plus 1 invites?

I don't think YABU to ASK him!! You would be U to get all upset if he says no. Travelling from abroad, with the cost, plus limited time, I would ask (though clearly I'd be considered ungrateful, rude, petulant and insane by most on here).

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2012 12:51

You weren't judged for not knowing the answer, OP, that's what AIBU is about really, none of knows everything, particularly when it's an issue that affects us personally because we're too close so it's helpful to ask. You have consideration for your friend and your 'wants' but not for your brother or his feelings. I don't know the reasons for that but you were defending your position of what you want, hence the comments back.

No harm in asking on a chatboard though - it saves your brother's feelings.

GnocchiNineDoors · 18/05/2012 12:54
  1. If your brother had wanted your friend there, he would have invited her
  2. daytimes of weddings can be small intimate affairs....if you were to ask him (which I think would BU), maybe ask for the night time only?
  3. If your DD is 19, still at school and still financially dependent on you, and im guessing still living with you, why on earth is she engaged? (I accept IABU for raising this point on this thread by hey)
bruxeur · 18/05/2012 12:59

That is drip-feeding, btw.

holmesgirl · 18/05/2012 13:00

I am going to buck the trend and say I don't think YABU. He's allocated 4 slots for you and the family; you're only going to take up 3 - and the three of you will have a lovely time. And he knows your friend. Surely he'd be really happy you're there, having a nice time with your daughter and LT friend.

I would just ask him?

I don't think it's unreasonable on your husband either - as per one of the comments above - because you can't all afford to go and your friend going doesn't make any difference to your family finances.

Original poster
TheUnMember · 18/05/2012 13:00

You have consideration for your friend and your 'wants' but not for your brother or his feelings. I don't know the reasons for that but you were defending your position of what you want, hence the comments back.

Eh? If I wasn't trying to consider his feelings I wouldn't be asking in the first place. I have real problems seeing things from someone else's position. I know that. That's why I was asking. Because I didn't want to upset or anger my brother. And I honestly wasn't trying to defend my position. I was trying to explain it because people were asking me Confused. I totally accept what everyone is saying, that I shouldn't ask. Beyond that, I don't know what else I can say. Confused

OP posts:
LingDiLong · 18/05/2012 13:01

TheUnMember, I don't think you're the only person in need of a 'social rule book' on this thread. Unless I read your OP incorrectly, you asked about bringing your friend to a family wedding, you didn't ask if it would be unreasonable to attend naked and perform an erotic dance on the top table.

I agree YWBU to bring a friend in place of your husband but I don't think your question was unreasonable. And I don't understand what posters like bruxeur are being so rude and aggressive about.

Original poster
TheUnMember · 18/05/2012 13:02

3) If your DD is 19, still at school and still financially dependent on you, and im guessing still living with you, why on earth is she engaged? (I accept IABU for raising this point on this thread by hey)

You'd have to ask her that. Once she passed 18 I didn't get a say.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheUnMember · 18/05/2012 13:05

Thank you LingDiLong. I was beginning to think I'd entered a parellel universe.

OP posts:
LingDiLong · 18/05/2012 13:09

TheUnMember, you've had your answer now and been very gracious about being disagreed with too. If I were you I'd bugger off, hide the thread and let everybody froth away to their heart's content without you.

holmesgirl · 18/05/2012 13:10

Just ask. If he says no - say it's fine and you totally understand but thought it was worth asking :)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/05/2012 13:11

No frothing here. I could do with a social 'rule book' myelf sometimes.

sallymonella · 18/05/2012 13:17

I would say, ask your brother. Surely it doesn't hurt to ask? And he's the only one who knows the answer so it makes sense to ask him. Just say something like, I know it's cheeky of me to ask but.... Can I bring friend x instead of DH? Just say no if I'm being too cheeky, but thought it was worth asking!
If your relationship with him is so bad that this would harm it further, then ignore me :)

susiedaisy · 18/05/2012 13:19

Yabu to invite a friend, your invite was for family!

pictish · 18/05/2012 13:21

Id think you should assume that seeing as they are toiling for places for everyone they would like to invite, that finding a space for a random is too much to ask.
If he wanted your friend at his wedding, he would have invited her. He doesn't, so he didn't. he wants those places to go to people he has actually invited.

Also, if I was your friend, I'd turn you down. Who the hell wants to be tolerated at a wedding?

Crap idea sorry!

only4tonight · 18/05/2012 13:21

I got married recently and the day numbers were very tight (dont get me started on the people who said they were coming and didn't show!). However in the evening it was a free for all. I certainly had people there I didn't know and I honestly couldn't have cared less. Maybe your friend could come for the evening if its a similar set up? (sorry to go against the grain - I do agree it would be wrong for her to go all day)