...to 'tell' on another toddler? I feel a prize b1tch!

[LizziePizzie]

What do you do when there is a disruptive child at a play group? He is very rough and push over other toddlers, snatches things out of their hands and by my standards the mum is not doing WAY enough to tell the child that his behaviour is not acceptable. I think he is about late 2 possibly 3 years old and there are youg babies that are in this goup.

I am not the only Mum who has concerns but none of us feel like we can tell the mother, so I told the lady who runs the group. Luckily she saw a lot of the 'incidents' but I am not sure what she is going to do now, and I feel so awful that I have not gone about this the right way. But what is the rightr way to do this?

I would gently stop him every time I witnessed something if the mum hadn't seen it or wasn't doing anything i.e. 'oh no, you musn't push people over they'll get hurt won't they!' 'I think x had that first didn't he?' all with a friendly smile. Might be enough to nudge the mum into action but otherwise I don't see why you shouldn't mention it to the woman who runs the group and let her deal with it. I'm presuming you weren't demanding his immediate removal, just that the woman has a diplomatic word!

I think in situations like that, all you can do is keep your eye constantly on your own child and deal with any incidents you feel are distressing your child.

It's always been an awkward one but it does get a bit easier when they're older and more verbal.

The Mum might be lax, or she might be dying inside of embarrassment and unsure herself what to do in these situations.

The mum is very passive and althouogh watches him all the time, just seems to be oblivious of the severity of his actions. Denial, overwhelmesd, I am not sure.

I am never happy about telling off another child, and I am not sure that the gentle approch would work on this child, as his mother does the gentle word and he just does it again and again, straight away afterwards.

If it were me, it would be a stern word, naughty step/time out, and if my DD did it again - straight home wit no treats.

If it were me, it would be a stern word, naughty step/time out, and if my DD did it again - straight home wit no treats

That's why it's a tough one.

I'm sure many people would think that's too harsh for what is (let's face it) normal toddler behaviour of pushing and snatching.

Some people favour encouragement over punishment and also, one person's idea of 'bad behaviour' isn't always the same as another's.

I had this problem with my first DDs playgroup there was a little girl there who was a bit 'rough' with other children, one day she pushed another little girl over, when the little girls gran asked what happened i said'that little girl pushed her over' instantly the pushee's mum marched over and gave me a mouthful for outing her darling child, like mother like child i thought

I have talked to the other Mum but not about her child's behaviour. Also this is not 'normal' behaviour and all the other Mums involved (of the children that have been pushed) all agree that this is WAY beyond what we could get involved in dealing with.

Coming from another angle, at a group I went to a small boy was completely, to my mind, victimised by a group of mums (there were no fathers at this group) who said his behaviour wasn't normal and basically bullied him and his mother out of the group.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing - he was little more than a toddler and hitting/pushing/biting all seem to me to be normal behaviour at that age. But these other people cut him no slack and it was a gang mentality against him - whispers and "ooh look X has done it again" and nasty nicknames.

I left the group but am glad to say I'm still friends with him and his lovely mother.

I'm not saying you're wrong OP but beware of a group judging and finding guilty and what effects this might have.

Hearts - that's why I feel so bad and wanted to know what others thought was the right way to deal with this.

I did know another Mum and boystrous baby who did feel awful that her baby was quite physical with other babies, but she did something about it and we all felt this was ok, even if our baby had teeth marks or a bump on the head. But to do nothing whille your child is frightening other children is too much.

Yes, it is an awkward situation, but I think as other posters have said, it is ok to approach the dc & say that's not nice, don't do that please etc.
The mum maybe very embarrassed, or she may be exhausted.
There may be some underlying SN,that even the mother is not aware of.
My ds was really hyperactive even at that age, and wouldn't follow instructions etc. I was exhausted running after him, and worried what others thought, though didn't ignore him upsetting other dc.
A smile & sympathetic word from another mum would be gratefully received.
Obviously this dc cant be allowed to run wild, but try to be patient & not too judgey. (not saying you are by the way).

I've been in that situation before OP. This was a large toddler group that I've been going to, on and off, for 8 years and this one child really stands out in all that time. A lot of toddlers go through phases of pushing, hitting, biting or whatever but they usually get over it and that's usually because the parent or childminder or whoever is with them gets on top of the behaviour and teaches the child not to do it. I think everyone expects and tolerates that. When nobody does anything about it though, and then the behaviour escalates so that other children are really getting hurt, I don't think anybody should be expected to tolerate it.

What happened in the end with the group I went to was that the people who ran it brought in someone to specifically keep an eye on that child. It worked well, but of course is only an option if the group has the resources for it.

Generally the leader, assistant would rather be made aware of the behaviour, for them to witness it and then they can offer constructive advice to the parent and if that doesn't work can explain the neccessary bounderies that have to be put in place in group situations.

If dangerous behaviour happens infront of you, then stop it, gently but firmly.

What Hearts brings up is very valid, my youngest has ADHD and has been victimised when attending groups, she did (now 26), behave differently, but not aggressively. A 'pack' mentatlity can take over against a child/family and that is why group leaders like to be the one to take charge.

They can offer advice for particular problems/conditions.

I have seen that in the Children's Centre that i am attached to.

If you see him push gently tell him to be careful dont be 1 of those mums who sit and seethe and talk about another mums lack of parenting , its not the kindest thing to do , perhaps mum doesnt have the skills to stop him doesnt know hes so brash or doesnt care but it is up to you to protect your own child from being trampled on ,

"the people who ran it brought in someone to specifically keep an eye on that child. It worked well, but of course is only an option if the group has the resources for it."

Sounds as though the child had SN, there is funding available for one to one care, under "Every disabled child matters", or other leglislation, even for access to playgroups.

This often then causes resentment from other parents, who are usually convinced it is simply a parenting problem.

update Things were much better this week. Weirdly, the leader hadn't said anything, but the child concerend was a lot calmer.

I did take your advice too and talk to the Mum and found out that 'he' hadn't been brought up with may mother children so didn't understand the dynamics of playing with someone and sharing as had never encountered it before. I feel better that I have got to know her more, and I am getting more used to the idea of telling off another child (when appropiate!).

Good result.