To think school should have spoken to me first?

[youarekidding]

Can I firstly say I think DS school are fab and this isn't a teacher/school bashing thread but obviously I am very heavily emotionally invested in this so need some honest outside perspective - and where better than MN?!

DS father lives abroad, we split when DS was 13 months (his fault and adultary based amonst other things). DS hasn't seen his dad for 5 years, says he doesn't miss him and rarely speaks about him or to him if his dad does ring/ he rings him.

So DS school does a group once a week and each student takes part at some point in their time at the school and DS is in the current group.

So today the lady who runs it - who is lovely - rang me to say that DS had said during the 'wishes' moment yesterday he wishes he could see his dad who lives in X. His dad lives in y country and DS knows this. So they wrote a letter for him today for DS to copy (I'm presuming during lesson time) and rang to ask if they could send it home for him to send, or if I could provide the address so he could send it. She also said she had explained about mum/dad living apart sometimes being better than together etc.

She also offered to speak to him if I wanted and speak to me if I wanted about it. I simply explained that DS talks to and talk to his father whenever he wants on webcam, skype, phone, email etc but choses not to or doesn't actually know what to say because he doesn't know him.

AIBU to think the school should have spoken to me before getting DS to write the letter because they didn't know the circumstances regarding his father, if we knew where his father is (it says N/A on school contact forms?)

FWIW DS rang his dad tonight and said 'I'm watching X on DVD, thats all I wanted to say, bye you can speak to mum now'

By your use of X and Y, do you mean that your DS lied to the school staff?

It's great that your DS feels able to talk about this at the group (though interesting that he changed his dad's location), but I don't think it was handled appropriately. For all this group leader knew, there might be serious domestic violence issues and/or a court order preventing your DS from having contact with his dad. I also don't like the idea of them writing a letter for your DS to copy. Why did they not suggest he wrote his own letter?

Hmm.

I can see your point about the letter. BUT, I presume the point of this exercise is to allow you son to express his feelings. I assume when you say "they wrote the letter" that they took what your son had said, not that they wrote it themselves.

The fact that they did not send the letter themselves is an implicit recognition that you might not want it sent. They gave you that choice. What I'm trying to say, is that from the counsellor's POV, your son's feelings and ability to express them are the important thing, rather than the letter per se.

What comes over is that (completely understandably) you are quite relieved that your DS is not too attached to his dad, and is not that bothered about the contact. What he said at school seems to go against that, which is uncomfortable, really.

I don't want to sound too challenging, because it could be the case that he doesn't care all that much and was saying this at school under peer pressure. But equally, his apparent lack of concern at home, could be because he wants to please you.

That's what I get from your post.

Apolgies if I am talking rubbish

Yes sorry, he said what he wanted to write and she wrote it for him to copy - DS' literacy is poor!

DS didn't lie about the country. Country X is where he was born and his dad lived for 28 years. He now lives in country Y as his wifes from there and they moved there 18 months ago. DS knows this but just forgot. He knew when I asked him!

And yes it's about them having no details re his dad and the split - but knowing he doesn't see him (I'm sure there was a form we had to indicate if there was court orders so they probably knew there wasn't iyswim?) and them going ahead with the letter and then asking if he was able to send it. If he couldn't then it could have made things worse.

I am actually very sad DS has no relationship with his father. I tried for years to keep the contact up and get him to talk to him often, visit etc. After we split I tried my damned hardest to make a contact arrangement but his dad was very difficult. Hence why we returned to the UK - because I needed support. It's DS that has indictated the lack of care and concern for him when I've suggested ringing etc. Even tonight when I tried to get him to talk to him beyond the sentence he said he didn't.

DS actually told me he said it because they had to say something and that's all he could think of. I did explain it was OK for him to want to see his dad and he could ring him but DS himself said that his dad always says he'll visit and doesn't so whats the point? I wonder if that's what his comment was all about. Wishing his dad would do as he said.

I did tell the school he couldn't and wouldn't be seeing his father without me there anyhow. Mainly because he doesn't know him and DS has allergies/ epi-pen etc and I wouldn't allow anyone who couldn't deal with this and/or know DS care for him. TBH I would be more open to it if his wife was there as she is lovely and I feel the level of care would be higher. They would have to have epi-pen training first though and it would have to be in this country where I am on hand/ nearby.

YANBU. A friend of mine had a similar situation where her dd had mentioned missing her Dad and was encouraged to write to him. Long story but not a helpful suggestion in the slightest.

youarekidding - I didn't mean to sound as if you hadn't tried.

And I can imagine lots of DC would go along with what they felt was expected of him in that session. So I wouldn't worry about it any further. You are obviously clued in to how he's feeling - I'm sure you are right that what he's feeling could be his disappointment in his dad.

gaf I came here for advice and outside views because I totally appreciate that I am seeing it from within. DS doesn't show an interest but it's a perfectly valid point that it may be because I have stopped actively trying to persue that dead end. I actually reflect that he may have been too young when I stopped and now at 7yo he's old enough to understand the situation a bit more. I am going to suggest DS rings/ skypes his father or emails once a week. It may be contact starts up again and if that's what DS wants it can only be for the better. What you said was perfect as food for thought - thankyou. -

It's very hard to know with DS because he isn't the most articulate with his emotions!

It must be so hard to watch your DC being let down

youarekidding, I think you sound very sane about the whole thing.

Yes it is hard watching him feel let down. I think that may be why I'm annoyed they've let him write the letter expressing his wish to see him. (I do not know this is the content but it seemed from what she said it is) because I just feel they're setting him up for another fall.

I get what she said about writing it down can help but I wish they had just spoken to me first. I will and would be honest with them as they do need to know because he is in their care daily.

and PMSL @ 'sane' I've never been described as that before

I agree with the settimg up to fail point. If he sends the letter and has no reply he would feel worse.

I think u r right to be a bit cross as this seems to me a tad officious. she should have contacted u first.

My dd is having counselling and we have asked the school to stop as its been quite counterproductive and stirrs up memories she doesn't want to recall and parent is left to deal with the fallout.

I totally get u here.

I agree with gafhyb on this one. If the activity is to talk, draw and write about feelings then the teacher's role is to listen & support. Not judge. Not interfere. Not tell the child that what they are feeling is anything but appropriate. They feel what they feel. The teacher needs to validate that by listening and recording. It would certainly not have been appropriate for her to respond by saying "I'm sorry but I have to ask your Mum if you are allowed to write about that wish." That would only encourage your child to suppress what are bound to be very complex feelings.

She kept you informed and gave you control of the situation by giving you the letter. I know it is difficult because you are so heavily & emotionally invested and obviously you have your child's best interests at heart, but consider for a moment- why on earth would your child choose to select this 'wish' above all others, if it hadn't genuinely crossed his mind? And aren't you fortunate to have a teacher who is available to be impartial, listen to your child and record these feelings, so that you can be open to exploring them further with your child?

I'm not keen on these group things! It should be 1:1 and explored properly, or not at all, IMO.
My sister's daughter made a complaint about her home life in similar - and said later it was just cos she felt she had to come up with something. The upshot was my sister being accused of something, and being quite undone, ended up on ADs. Obviously not only over that, but it was definitely the straw that broke the camel's back.
I'm all for children having access to counsellors - but not in some half arsed fashion. If there wasn't the time in the session, or skill in the counsellor to draw out that your son is in regular contact, they shouldn't be doing it. I agree with poster upthread who said it might mean there's more of an issue than you think (though it could be he's sad not to have a father in his life per se, not that he wants more to do with this one) but it doesn't sound like this session was the best way to rarely get into this.

The trouble is these so called councellors are usually well meaning but not trained.

I have since researched on this because off dd and it's not good practise to have group counselling for children anyway.

Blood boil.

Cabrinha - These group sessions are part of every day school and encouraging emotional intelligence (it is part of the curriculum after all) The teachers are not trying to find out deep dark secrets or get anyone into trouble, they are teaching children to talk about their feelings. A child would not realistically get access to a counsellor unless there was a known & identified issue. Conducting these types of groups with children who have known emotional issues would/should only be done with the guidance of the suitable professional.

As for your sister's daughter: a simple comment would not lead to any serious intervention without other cause for concern. The system does not work like that.

Its not a counelling session thing. Its called PAVES. Its about raising acheivement by allowing pupils to become more effective learners. Every child does it at some point. (its stands for positive attitudes values ethos self esteem)

I get why they do it and I was very happy DS is loving it. But they have suggested he writes the letter. He didn't suggest it. They have taken one thing he said and persued it without finding out the full story first - this is the bit that has annoyed me.

But by writing the letter they have encouraged him to think he going to get what he wants - his wish to see his father. And if course I've had to to be the bad guy again tonight explaining his dad has promised to visit many times and let him down. I have also reiterated he can talk to his dad whenever he wants and of course he can ask him to visit - but I do have to remind DS he dad says he will and doesn't. What kind of mum would I be to give him false hope.
BTW I have even said that XDP and his DW can stay here if they visit - I am not trying to make it hard for them.

If DS needs support/ counselling for this issue it should be done through CAMHS/ GP referral. I am happy for any of this to happen if it's needed.

I do think DS misses male company - he does see my dad and brother loads but recently my sister split with her DP so perhaps that has bought some of this on? I will talk to DS as much as he'll allow about this and seek to help him where I can.

The lady at school has says I can ring her if 'I need to chat' but I want to say back off but unsure how I can do that without seeming defensive. She is actually very nice.

UPDATE: Decided to call DS teacher today after speaking to a lady who does a similar group/support type thing at my school who said it was wrong.

I started just asking how he had been today - she said irritable so I explained he was upset and why. I said I didn't want to make a big deal about it as it was done with good intention. Basically his teacher said she thought that was very reasonable of me and that she understood if I wanted to rant! I explained the situation with DS father, re his lack of contact, broken promises etc and she asked if she could let the HT know the situation and also about the letter. I said if DS was really upset and struggling with dealing with his dad could we acess some support through a school referral or GP but although there is no behavioural issues in school because he see'sthe SENCO for reading/writing support she may be able to get support through them ATM though it doesn't seem as if he needs it because he's dealing with it - however hard it is for him

So know the school know the full story of DS life! and will come to me if they come across anything else.