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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to buy a gift card/cash for a 'no presents' kids party?

35 replies

flyingspaghettimonster · 17/05/2012 15:49

That is it really... My kids are invited to a set of girl/boy twin 8 year olds birthday. The evite says ' please no ifts, only merrymakers required', but I would hate turning up empty handed. Would a voucher for an activity like a pottery painting shop our bounce house be acceptable in the card? There is no religious reason for no gifts, I presume it is because they don't have space for two class fulls gifts...

Aibu by bringing a book token or somethingin the card our does'no' have to mean no?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 17/05/2012 15:52

No don't take anything apart from a birthday card - it takes a lot of guts to write 'no presents' on the invite. etc and it is really, really annoying if people don't respect the request.

I did the same with my DS's christening and I still received a few presents - that we really, really didn't want although most people did respect our request.

Original poster
flyingspaghettimonster · 17/05/2012 16:17

:( I am not sure I want to take the kids with nothing... I was fine with the charity donations invites they got a few years ago because we just made a donation and brought a gift, but not bringing a gift at all feels so wrong to me...

How about an adopt an animal at the local zoo gift? That would just be a card... grasps at straws

OP posts:
IAmNotACowbag · 17/05/2012 16:18

No gift means no gift. You'd be unreasonable to respect the request.

IAmNotACowbag · 17/05/2012 16:18

*disrespect!

WhiteWidow · 17/05/2012 16:19

They're telling you not to give a gift. Be happy!

NoOnesGoingToEatYourEyes · 17/05/2012 16:21

Perhaps you can offer to take the twins out somewhere with your DCs one day instead, or invite them to do something fun/crafty at your house. It's not a gift but it's still a gesture to thank them for the lovely party.

hiveofbees · 17/05/2012 16:23

If they said no gifts then they mean it, it would be quite rude IMO to go against that, and confusing for other people (including the birthday children).

loopyluna · 17/05/2012 16:30

When my DD got a no gift invite, she drew a picture and made a little friendship bracelet for her friend. Unfortunately all the other children took gifts regardless so DD felt a little Blush I thought the otherd were being unreasonable!

I don't like the idea of turning up univited but a little token would do the job surely? Home made cupcakes/ cookies/ sweets?

PacketOfBiscuits · 17/05/2012 16:38

YANBU. It's not to be taken literally (it would be impolite to actually prescribe to people whether they should bring a gift or not). It's more a way of asking people not to feel obliged to bring a gift, and letting them know you're inviting them for their company rather than because you want lots of presents! But IMO it's still nice to take something :) Actually I feel it's a rather redundant request as of course, it should go without saying that a gift is never expected.

mrsscoob · 17/05/2012 16:38

Why would you hate to turn up empty handed when they have asked you too, that is just weird. It isn't about you, it is their party and you should respect their wishes. All you would accomplish by taking a gift is annoy them/ make them feel uncomfortable and it would probably make the other guests feel awkward that they didn't bring anything, even though they were respecting the party givers wishes YABU

PacketOfBiscuits · 17/05/2012 16:38

And it's also a little rude if the meaning is basically "if you bring a gift I won't appreciate it".

molschambers · 17/05/2012 16:41

Don't take a gift.

How about making a point of inviting them round to play?

IAmNotACowbag · 17/05/2012 16:44

And it's also a little rude if the meaning is basically "if you bring a gift I won't appreciate it".

Is it not possible that they just don't want any gifts?!

BiscuitNibbler · 17/05/2012 16:55

I just can't see how a someone can possibly say that you shouldn't buy a gift for someone else - I don't care it is the parent saying it, the gift is not for the parent. I think it is quite a horrible thing to do.

IAmNotACowbag · 17/05/2012 16:56
Hmm
hiveofbees · 17/05/2012 16:59

Yes, it is most probably that the parents are evil. Maybe boycott the party and call your local child protection SW.

mrsscoob · 17/05/2012 17:00

There may not be a religious reason but they may still have perfectedly valid reasons for not wanting a gift. It maybe they don't want a house full of stuff they don't want. Or maybe they are environmentally aware and don't want a load of plastic crap shipped over from China only to end up in 6 months time in landfill??!! Who knows, but if they have said no gifts, then you should respect their wishes.

PacketOfBiscuits · 17/05/2012 17:41

"Is it not possible that they just don't want any gifts?!"

Of course, but is it really acceptable to say so? I don't think it's good to mention gifts at all in an invitation, either as a positive (wedding list included with invitations) or a negative. It's presumptuous.

"No gifts" implies the following:

  1. you assume/expect people might have brought you a gift, when the default assumption should be that they won't.
  2. it implies you won't appreciate it if they do give them something, when there should never be any suggestion that a gift would be unwanted.
  3. it could be taken that you're criticising their taste/judgement or boasting about how well-off you are that you already have everything.
Noqontrol · 17/05/2012 17:47

Well my dd had a no gifts party, but lots of the kids did bring gifts anyway. So if you feel strongly about taking a gift then just do it anyway. It's unlikely to be received in bad grace.

IAmNotACowbag · 17/05/2012 17:53

Wow packet didn't realise it was even possible for anyone to read so ridiculously far into something!

It is a birthday party, it is normal and not at all rude to assume gifts may be given. There's nothing rude about requesting no gifts, and it doesn't have to mean or imply anything other than 'please don't bring gifts'!

heliumballoon · 17/05/2012 18:04

Please don't take one. When we requested no gifts, everyone ignored us anyway. Our flat is tiny and we honestly don't have space for more toys, plus DD has all the toys she could ever possibly want. It is bonkers how much stuff she owns. I was really upset how everyone ignored our wishes, leaving me to charity shop stuff as DD hasn't enough space for it. (And before anyone starts, she has a room which is 6 foot by 8 foot and shared with her sister. When I say we can't store more stuff, I ain't joking. But everyone ignored me anyway. Sad).

PacketOfBiscuits · 17/05/2012 21:14

It's not ridiculous, it's about considering the feelings of your guests. Better to consider this too much than not enough. And yes it's rude to assume

ApocalypseThen · 17/05/2012 21:18

Would you consider bringing a good bottle of champagne for the parents after the party? It would not be a birthday present, but you wouldn't be empty handed either.

It might be appreciated as a gesture of thanks for the party.

Original poster
flyingspaghettimonster · 18/05/2012 03:25

Okay, thanks for all the opinions. my husband is happy to go with nothing but a card, so I might just let him take the kids. If I go I will stick a voucher for the ice cream place I think they like. I just find the whole thing awkward as I don't know the kids or parents, otherwise I might do the playdate thing.

OP posts:
EmmaCate · 18/05/2012 05:11

I think YANBU but I would keep it broad - Amazon or money. There's potential for 64 odd toys and books - I think the parents just want to avoid a kind of Bellatrix Lestrange-vault situation in their living room.

Cash or voucher for major retailer would enable them to buy fewer, bigger gifts for their DCs. It would surprise me if they were offended because they said no gifts for some other reason.