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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder if I could have helped these children?

29 replies

rosycheeksmum · 17/05/2012 11:12

We were in the shop a few days ago when a young mum literally exploded into the shop with her two kids, one about three and one about four. She went round the shop screaming and shouting at them "GET OVER HERE!" "MOVE!", treating them with such impatience and aggression. I tried to feel sorry for her, maybe she'd had a really bad day/had a horrible partner who'd wound her up/etc until the little boy did something to annoy her and she shouted in his face "YOU'RE AN ARSEHOLE!DON'T EVEN LOOK AT ME!"

Anyway we all just looked at the floor as she was so aggressive, I got the impression that if I'd even briefly made eye contact with her she'd have started a fight with me.

I felt so bad for her kids and wondered afterwards if there is every anything you can do in a situation like that. Could you say to the child "You know it's not OK for anyone to speak to you like that, if something that a grown up in your life is doing is upsetting you you can tell a teacher or another grown up you trust". Or would that make it worse? I honestly don't know.

OP posts:

Ithinkitsjustme · 17/05/2012 11:14

You could have nutted her!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/05/2012 11:16

I can't think of anything you could do

If they were older and in school uniform you could maybe report it to the school with a description, but they would have been too young for that.

Ithinkitsjustme · 17/05/2012 11:18

If you are really concerned ring social services, they can at least give advice in case of a repeat.

Snowboarder · 17/05/2012 11:18

That sounds awful and I'd have wanted to intervene too. Being annoyed is one thing (as you say, she may have had a terrible morning or other things going on in her life that made her short tempered) but to call such a small child an arsehole so aggressively and publicly humiliate them is totally inexcusable IMO.

That said, it sounds like nothing you could have done in that situation would have improved things for the children. She'd likely have flown off the handle with you which would have just made things worse for them.

Thinking about it makes me

SugarBatty · 17/05/2012 11:21

I doubt it would have made any difference if you had. If anything it might have wound her up more and in turn made her take it out on her kids. Its very uncomfortable to see this kind of thing and I would be the same as you. Wanting to say something and thinking about it afterwards.

A few months ago I saw a woman shout at a young boy in his face and smack him twice quite hard. As me and my mum walked past I said to my mum loud enough for her to hear "did you see what that horrid woman did? You shouldn't do that to your kids what a nasty woman" or something along those lines as I was quite wound up! I looked back and she looked at me and gave me a dirty look. I did it because I wanted her to know I thought what she did was unacceptable. I don't think it will have made her question her parenting though.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 17/05/2012 11:27

I don't think there is much you could have done, she sounds so agressive she would certainly have shouted at you and even hit you. If you had spoken to the children she may have been even nastier to them afterwards as she would most certainly have blamed them.

Whatever you had done she would have taken no notice anyway.

I can understand parents getting annoyed sometimes, all kids do drive you mad at times but her behaviour was awful. Poor little children, I just hope someone who knows who she is does report her one day.

PurplePidjin · 17/05/2012 11:29

I had neighbours who spoke to their dc (3 under 3) like this, and unless you happen to be in the right place at the right time there's very little someone not directly involved can do.

I was there at the right time - the SW was visiting, the dc were running rampant through my strawberries (open plan terrace) and I went out to have a stern word with the parent about allowing his dc to destroy my unripe fruit (if they'd actually eaten ripe ones I wouldn't have minded so much! It was the wanton destruction that bothered me). Dad was a complete tosser about it - all in front of SS, who popped round to see me afterwards for my observations which included any number of not-quite-reportable little things like swearing at the dc.

Unless you know names, addresses and full details of witnesses, there's sadly not much you can do except hope someone closer picks it up.

Fwiw, my neighbours' support was upped and when they moved out recently were clearly more confident in their parenting :)

CMOTDibbler · 17/05/2012 11:32

Not a lot you can do tbh, but a few weeks ago my dh did go and have words with a bloke who was dragging his small child around by the hair in Sainsbos. As dh is 6'3 and built like the proverbial, it was no worry for him.

Goldenbear · 17/05/2012 12:02

It is difficult, I can't standby, there are things you can do. You can record it on your phone as evidence as it is an offence under section 5 of the Public order act.

When I was heavily pregnant last year I was shopping in Tescos with my son and DP and was witness to awful behaviour of a Dad towards his children and wife TBH. He started chucking all the food out if the trolley, his wife told him to stop but he wouldn't, he then grabbed the children aged about 9 and 5, the 5 years feet didn't touch the floor, the dad was dangling him by the neck of his hoody! He was swearing at them heading for the exit, the younger child was begging for compassion I suppose. This nasty excuse for a Human being chucked them both against the glass foyer wall. In the meantime everyone was staring and I mean everyone. I couldn't believe security didn't do anything especially as he had chucked unpaid produce everywhere! My DP was ahead of us with the bags and I was holding my son's hand who was scared as we were trying to leave. Anyway, I couldn't bear it so I told him he should be ashamed of himself. This man was bright red, well built about 6ft 2, he turned around came right up to my face and said they were his kids he could do what he wanted. Despite being right in my face I told him that believe it or not he couldn't do what he wanted to his kids and he couldn't assault them! All the this time security was just staring at me and him whilst he virtually stood over me and I was 8 months pregnant. I was pretty scared then. DP didn't see any of it but rushed back when he realised. He is only 5ft 8 but is pretty fearless over things like this. A cleaner near us then piped up and said, 'good in you', thinking she meant me but she was directing her praise to this unhinged twat! She praised him for disciplining his children. Unbelievable I thought. This man then left with the children. I never did anything else about it and feel terrible to this day!

Goldenbear · 17/05/2012 12:10

Oh and I have never been back to that Tesco branch as I thought the lack of involvement from security and the comments from the cleaner were outrageous!

BuntyPenfold · 17/05/2012 12:19

Goldenbear how awful for you.

I think you should have complained to the store's Head Office; there must have been evidence on the cctv.

Noqontrol · 17/05/2012 12:22

If I saw a child subject to the level of violence that some posters described on here then I would quickly call the police and let them deal with it.

redwineformethanks · 17/05/2012 12:25

Not sure I would intervene in your shoes, but I would hope that if she behaves like that in nursery etc, then someone who can identify her could report it to SS

Goldenbear · 17/05/2012 12:37

Buntypenfold, yes i wish I had, my Dad, who regularly intervenes when some level of awful, anti-social behaviour arises said the same. He also said I should've called the Police.

Snowboarder · 17/05/2012 12:48

I suppose the most you can wish for in these situations is that the parent/s are already well known to SS and are being investigated. In both cases (OPs and Goldenbear's) it doesn't sound to me like a one off, so I'd hope they'd been reported.

hairylemon · 17/05/2012 13:00

No, you can't say that at all.

Very pa and cowardly, like people who argue with their OH via the dog.

OrmIrian · 17/05/2012 13:06

Don't care how bad her day was, there is no excuse Poor bloody kids....

No I don't blame you for not intervening - it might well have made it worse for the children anyway. Just think that if you were scared, imagine how terrified they must have been.

I witnessed something similar on the way to work once. I called NSPCC to ask for advice and they suggested I ring the schools - she was wearing a school summer dress so I knew it could only be one of two schools. I rang them both - one head who was a bit taken aback (nooo..we don't have parents like that at our school) but the other one who said he'd ask the teachers if any child had come in upset or unsettled. Don't know if it helped. i was too afraid to tackle the women as well

it's really upsetting I know.

OrmIrian · 17/05/2012 13:08

goldenbear - well done for standing up to him!

OrmIrian · 17/05/2012 13:09

In fact it is sickening when you think what must go on behind closed doors. Almost unbearable.

StrandedBear · 17/05/2012 13:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reddaisy · 17/05/2012 13:29

We had a very similar situation on the train recently. A mum was swearing at and berating her children for invisible misdemeanours. I couldn't bear it but I had no idea what to do as I had the DC including my baby DS with me. To my shame I didn't do anything, what I wanted to do was tell the children that how their mum spoke to them wasn`t normal.

whatsapussycatdoll · 17/05/2012 13:29

At 17 when working in a shop, i saw a man drag his 3 year old about, smack him and scream at him, for doing nothing really.

I said to him " if he was going to continually physically abuse his young child, could he do it elsewhere, preferably in front of the cctv"

He did a bit of a face and left

I happened to have already seen the police outside the shop, And they did have a word.

MiseryBusiness · 17/05/2012 13:29

The only time I have ever interferred with others and their children was one time when I was on my way to work at 7pm (worked in a pub) I stopped at the local shop and a women was in their with her 4/5 yr old son.
She was buying beer and he was looking at magazines. I was behind her waiting for the checkout when her son asked for a magazine. She said no. The he said the usual ''oh Mum, that's not fair. So and so from school had this one'' (the usual kind of thing kids say) Mum turned on him, dropped her shopping and grabbed him by the front of his Tshirt and said ''Do. Not. Ever. Talk to me like that again you fucking little cunt.''
I kid you not, she called him a cunt!
He started to cry, bless him.
I couldnt help my self. It just spilled out of my mouth, I said ''What did you just say?''
She went mental at me. Said she can do what she likes, he is her kid etc. He sat down in the shop sobbing, head in is hands. She went over shouting at him to get up and stop being so pathetic. He wouldn't get up so she grabbed his hair and dragged him to his feet then kicked him towards the door.
I told the shop assistant to call the police, which to be fair he was already doing.
I grabbed her arm and told her she wasn't going anywhere with him. I asked the boy to sit down and read the magazine, which he did do. She was going ape shit. Kicking me, punching me, trying to bite me, the lot. Luckily the police were there pretty quickly. I did manage to tell her exactly what I thought of her behaviour while we were waiting.
Police were very good. It was all on CCTV too.

SugarBatty · 17/05/2012 13:37

Wow misery, did u ever find out what the outcome was?

Nobhead · 17/05/2012 13:44

Holy shit misery that's just awful poor kid. It makes me feelsick thinking about what must go on behind closed doors. We all get annoyed with our kids at times but no-one deserves to bespoken to like that. What a fucking horrible excuse for a human being- good on you for tackling her. Do you know what happened afterwards?

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