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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to stay at home instead of going to this wedding?!

18 replies

MumMumMumMumMummee · 17/05/2012 10:50

My partner and I have been invited to a wedding of an old schoolfriend of his in August. We have a 9 month old son and the wedding is 200 miles away in a town neither of them have any connection to. The venue was picked because one set of parents are in Scotland and one set in the South East and it's roughly half way. We were told (not asked!) that a room had been booked for us in the venue so the assumption is we would be coming. I've met the male half of the couple twice and didn't like him much. I've never met her. Strangely I was invited to her hen do though. My partner doesn't drive so to get there we either get the train and then a taxi, lugging baby stuff, buggy, carseat, travel cot etc or I drive and we take it all in the car.

I had a look at the venue online last night and discovered that the room we're expected to stay in is £200 plus breakfast and parking. Add to this the cost of travel, the new clothes needed (haven't been to a wedding in ages), the wedding present, the drinks, the food en route and I reckon we could go abroad for the same amount! We'd already decided we couldn't afford a holiday this year.

My partner thinks I'm being U because I don't like his friend but the whole event sounds like one huge not particularly enjoyable hassle. I'd rather go to Majorca for a week. So am I ? BU? Go easy on me, it's my first post!

OP posts:

Ithinkitsjustme · 17/05/2012 10:53

YANBU to not go, but if your DP wants to go then you need to let him go without making him feel guilty about it. I'm a bit about someone else booking a room for you without asking first and the expecting you to pay for it, are you sure that it's not covered?

faeriefruitcake · 17/05/2012 10:53

Yep, suck it up and go to the wedding. Book at a cheaper hotel and do you really need new clothes?

3teenhell · 17/05/2012 10:53

How close are your DP and the groom?

fluffyanimal · 17/05/2012 10:53

YANBU. Why doesn't your partner go on his own and stay in a travelodge near by? if you'd already decided you couldn't afford this sort of money on a holiday, then why afford it on something you're not that keen on or invested in?

IslaValargeone · 17/05/2012 10:54

I certainly wouldn't make the trip if finances are stretched, especially if you have never met her and don't particularly like him.
If you are already viewing it as a hassle, I really don't think it's worth it. Majorca sounds a far better option.

StanleyLambchop · 17/05/2012 10:56

I imagine they are getting a big discount on the cost of the wedding if they can get enough paying guests to fill the hotel. It is bad manners not to ask you first. I would still go but look for a cheaper hotel room. They can't make you pay for it, can they?

toofattorun · 17/05/2012 10:56

YABU - for wanting to go to Majorca!

funnypeculiar · 17/05/2012 11:03

Sounds like there are two things here

The cost (& yes, weddings are expensive)
You don't really want to go.

On 1, Wedding party rates are usually much lower than standard rack rates, but ask how much it's going to be, and then ask if there's anywhere cheaper you can stay - no-one will mind. Yes, bit of an assumption to book you in with a room, but ime rooms at hotel venue are usually in demand, so they may well have thought they were doing you a favour. I doubt you could get a holiday for the price of a wedding weekend - even if you don't go, your dh would still need to send a gift. You've got loads of time, so think creatively about your outfit - something you can recycle? Keep an eye out in local charity shops/ebay?

On 2 - I sympathise - weddings with a baby where you don't know anyone aren't the best imo. I went to a few with dcs were that age, but they were all people I knew & loved. Does your partner want to show you the baby off? If so, be flattered! Otherwise, why not suggest he goes on his own & has a lovely drunken time with his mates. Again, he can ask for a cheaper room, and go by train is less hassle without all the baby stuff. But don't be a martyr about it - you've chosen not to go, he's not 'abandoning you with the baby...'

But don't think of it as an alternative to a holiday - that won't help.

BeaWheesht · 17/05/2012 11:03

If you can't afford it don't go, dp should though.

Stay in a cheaper hotel. They seem to be making an effort with you. Also, if you can drive why would you take a train? Tbh it just sounds like you're making it harder than it needs to be.

Original poster

MumMumMumMumMummee · 17/05/2012 11:08

My DP suggested the train so I wouldn't have to drive all the way but I hate trains at the best of times so would rather drive if we do go. Him not driving is a whole other thread ;)

I'm thinking the best thing is for him to go on his own. Not being a martyr, I quite like having the house to myself!

OP posts:

Snowboarder · 17/05/2012 11:14

I don't think I'd go, but then I'm a miserable sod!

It sounds like you hardly know the couple and your DP no longer knows him very well. If I were you I would feel like I had been invited to make up the numbers a bit (v.odd too that you were invited on her hen do having never met her!)

I'm not sure I could bare the effort, time and expense for a couple who are practically strangers. If they were good friends of you both, or even one of you, that would be different.

I'd be tempted to politely decline, send a nice gift and your best wishes and put the money towards a holiday or weekend break for your family.

NarkedPuffin · 17/05/2012 11:14

You don't want to go.

KatieMiddleton · 17/05/2012 11:19

Firstly this is your DP's friend yes? Then you need to decide if this is one of those situations where you do something you don't particularly want to to support him or not. Your relationship to the bridal party really doesn't matter if it's his friend - your relationship with your dp is the primary concern to focus on.

Secondly, you don't have to stay at the hotel. You have been booked a room there for your convenience. You can say no thank you with good grace. They are doing a Nice Thing for you and your family.

Thirdly, do not take the train if you do go. It is a nightmare lugging all the stuff and really 200 miles away is not that far.

Fourthly, if you really can't afford it then my first point applies but your DP needs to be thinking about putting your family first.

Ultimately, the most important thing is the happiness of your family. Sometimes that means one person has to do something they don't want to and sometimes it means somebody can't do the thing they wanted to. Best to have the chat with your DP on those lines only.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 17/05/2012 11:21

If its a close friend of his, or someone he really wants to be there for, I think you should go.

My dh doesn't know all of my much loved friends that well because of distance and time constraints, but I'd feel quite let down if he wouldn't accompany me to one of their weddings.

You could ask for details of a cheaper hotel. Could you get GPs to have your son for the night and go as a couple instead?

I wouldn't read too much into the fact that they booked you a hotel room. I doubt it means you have to take it. We had our wedding in a hotel and wanted to reserve rooms so that they were available for people that wanted them, but to do that we had to givenames. We just used some of our friends names as we knew they woudo be attending and most of them used the rooms, but some didn't so names were swopped around or rooms were cancelled closer to the date.

funnypeculiar · 17/05/2012 11:22

Then it's a win-win - he goes & has drunken mates time & a good catchup without having to worry about you & babe; you stay at home, save some cash, don't have to be polite to people you don't know & have chocolate & the TV remote all to yourself. Position it that way to him & everyone's happy!!

simperingsally · 17/05/2012 11:31

I wouldn't want to go if it were me but i'd happily say that dp could go along if h wanted to. He can have a nice time there catching up and what not and you could sit at home feet up watching telly!

BobbiFleckman · 17/05/2012 11:33

let him go alone. My DH has done that twice - once for a Scottish wedding where no children were allowed and we had a 6mth old and 2yr old who would have had to be left several miles from the poncy castle venue, and a couple of weeks ago for a Dublin wedding of an old Uni pal of his who I've never met. He went alone and had a blast, without having to look after children or a DP who didn't' know a single person there. Obviously I am holding it in reserve for when I want to go off for a weekend with my pals!

parachutesarefab · 17/05/2012 11:40

It doesn't have to be really expensive. You may be able to borrow an outfit from a friend, or buy something you'll get a lot of wear out of, and borrow accessories. You'll need food whether you are at home or away (take picnic stuff). Drinks can be overpriced at venues - make them last, or opt for tap water. As others have said, they've probably booked a room for you in case you wanted one - being thoughtful as you have a little one with you - but you can stay at B&B or cheap hotel nearby (£40?). Fuel will cost about £80 according to Google - you'll struggle to get to the airport, pay for flights and a weeks accomodation for that.

Could you stop off with other friends / relatives en-route to make it into more of a break?

Or, yes, let DP get a cheap train ticket, and go and celebrate his friend's wedding, while you enjoy being at home.

The invite to the hen party may have been to give you a chance to get to know some of the other guests in advance, and for the hen to get to know you.

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