WWYD going on a date tonight but just bumped into his ex wife.

[AvocadoAndFitch]

Ok I have a date tonight, old school friend/first boyfriend. Lost touch but since his divorce and my recent separation we bumped into each other and have been talking on FB.

I've only been separated 3 weeks but I've agreed to this date as more of a catch up and see what happens rather than a I want to date you date. But have been getting quite excited about it all.

Had a gym session early this morning with a PT. I don't normally go at that time but saggy bum and date meant it was the only time I could fit it in for today and have childcare. Also to give me a confidence boost.

After about 15 minutes of workout and chatting to PT about the date in walks in his ex wife. I knew her from school but weren't particularly friends. She came over and PT announces, oh she normally wouldn't be here but she has a hot date with an old flame so wink wink. Cue me completely red faced. She wishes me good luck with the date and have fun after.

I spent the rest of the session looking red faced, guilty and inadequate. She's far nicer/prettier/thinner than me.

I have to ring date at lunch to confirm I'm going. Should I now cancel? I can't rearrange due to childcare so its now or never.
WIBU to still go?

His wife always thought he was cheating?

He has told you his ex-wife still wants to get back together? And that she was a PITA during the divorce?

Step away. Your reluctance is your gut telling you not to get involved.

You've just ended a relationship, and something familiar will of course seem attractive and comforting. Doesn't mean it is a wise move.

I wouldn't go.

If they are divorced though it must be a few years since they separated, especially if she dragged her feet. If you and the bloke get on she'll find out you're going out with him at some time or other if you live in the same town.
I don't see why things have become more complicated.
She's a woman you hardly ever see. if she now doesn't talk to you will your life really be worse?
It seems a trivial thing to put you off a bloke. Maybe it's just made you feel you'd rather have a bloke who has never been married. are there kids?
I'd go on the date, but I don't really see what upset you so much about this encounter.
Momentarily embarrassed yes, wanting to shoot the PT yes, not wanting to go for a date with a bloke you fancy no.

Also ex will now easily find out he's going on a date and put two and two together. She asked him to have their children tonight (not his normal night) he said he was busy and wouldn't tell her more.

He's not the going out with mates on a Thursday night type of person and works a very 10-3ish 9-5 job

My only concern would be whether the ex knew about the date because HE had told her about it. As long as that is not the case then why shoud you cancel it. If he has moved on and you are only sounding the water anyway then go for it, it's got nothing to do with anyone else.

Why does it matter if his ex finds out about the date?
If you can't cope with the thought of dealing with exwives and possible stepkids I wouldn't go but you're sounding a bit afraid of theis woman and her opinion of you which I could understand if she was a friend whose ex you were going out with, but not if she's a casual acquaintance.
Why does it matter what she thinks of you/ whether or not she finds out?
Agree the bloke's negative exwife comments would put me off the date more than the gym episode.

Go get your man OP! Sod the rest of it

Avocado, I was going to say to you just to be careful that you don't befriend her on Facebook and tell your PT that your private issues are not to be related to all and sundry thanks very much.

Then I read your post of 10:26.

So, she suspects he might have been cheating throughout their 10 year marriage? Did he tell you this? You say you don't know if he had or not, did you ask him?

To my mind, a man who cheats on his wife is not worth a second glance.

Then you say that she doesn't want a divorce and is refusing to sign certain papers. They also have kids.

So here is a man who may have cheated on his wife and who is going through a messy divorce. I know you said that it was just a drink, but clearly it isn't. It's a date.

Sorry, but I would take a huge step back and ask him to contact you once the divorce is through. There's surely no way you want to get mixed up in what may be a traumatic divorce with an ex-wife who may use every tactic to get her ex back, particularly when she finds out that he is dating someone else. And yes, now she knows who you are, once she does find out that it's you he is dating, things could be uncomfortable for you. I would certainly be changing gym in case I bumped into her again!

Why make things more complicated for yourself? This man might be an old flame, but he's also possibly a cheat and in the middle of a lot of emotional baggage. Right now he should be focusing on his children and finalising his divorce, not dating other women. And you've only been separated 3 weeks.

My advice would be to cancel the date and go out with the girls instead. Make the most of being single. Get some girly DVDs and a bottle of wine in, watch what you like on TV, make plans to go to the cinema, redecorate, catch up on the friends you might have neglected whilst you were tied up. If this man is a catch, then he'll still be around. But I think to go on a date with him at this moment in time, when he has so many issues going on with his ex, would be a mistake and would make your life very much more complicated than it needs to be.

Sorry, so they are divorced but she still wants him back?

I still think this smells like trouble. I'd want to know if he had actually been cheating before I dated him. I cannot stand cheats personally. And why didn't he tell her he had a date? Did he think she'd cause trouble? Is he not strong enough to tell the truth?

Are you sure that this date is not his way of making her jealous?

Reading the OP and subsequent posts again, the 'old flame' is divorced. Not going through a divorce but actually divorced decree absolute (I think)

OP refers to old flame telling her that ex wife refused to sign things historically, but I expect she eventually signed and divorce is final now.

OP is going on her own opinion and does not have all the facts, ex wife might not want him back at all and old flame just says that - making himself out to be catch of the day!

As far as I can see, the relationship is over and OP is entitled to enjoy a date with a man she used to know.

Just by the fact she is considering all these things now means that she's being sensible, but overthinking can often be the cause of unhappiness.

Go on the date OP, see what you think, forget about ex wife and cut all mention of her. Go with your instincts after that.

Good Luck.

Oh and I don't believe in 'once a cheat, always a cheat'

Thanks for all the advice, I've been with my ex since I was 19 so dating is incredibly new to me.

They are divorced as far as I know.

On the cheating thing, he could be but why openly admit it to me without being asked to? To make her seem irrational so I don't believe it? I don't know. He could be, its possible but I didn't know him or her during their relationship. She could have been insecure and accuse him every day of the week or he could be modeling himself on a young Hugh Hefner. I'm just going to have to be aware of it and see what happens.

I'm 27 with 3 preschool children, one with additional needs, spend most my time looking like I've rolled in the contence of the fridge and have forgotten to sleep for the past 5 years. I don't think I'll have too many men knocking on my door for a date.

I think I'll ring and say I'm going but make it clear its to catch up and forget about anything romantic for the moment. see how things pan out first.

I agree with TheRhubarb. This is a lot messier than your initial post implied, and I'd run a mile from this man. Way too much baggage for my liking!

Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't simply go out with him because you don't feel you can do any better. With 3 kids, one with SN you are obviously brilliant at multi-tasking, are organised, patient and probably very good at handling red tape situations and lobbying for extra support when needed. You are very articulate - your posts show this and therefore very intelligent. You need to start telling yourself that men should consider themselves lucky to get a date in your busy schedule because with the above attributes, I bet you're bloody good company too with a cracking sense of humour.

So you CAN afford to be picky!

Yes give yourself a break OP, you don't need any more aggro in your life, it sounds difficult enough as it is!

I think your post here indicates you're not at all sure about things, and you should follow that instinct that is putting you off, even if it's ever so slight.

Just go. See what happens, stop borrowing trouble. I think you are just nervous about going on the first date you been on in years and are finding excuses to put it off. It's a date - not marriage - just bloody go woman

His wife thought he was cheating............I'd suspect he probably was...........I wouldn't get involved with him

PT was just being chatty - I winced for you, but sure she didn't mean any harm

And yes, people can change but if he has cheated then that should give you a hint as to how he deals with problems in his marriage.

the only reason i would think maybe not going is that you have only been seperated for three weeks

you do not sound to be that sure of yourself at the moment and that is not a good way to be when you are about going on dates build your confidence up a little and be more sure of yourself

give yourself some time what is the hurry