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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to uninvite my "friend" from my wedding?

45 replies

CupOfBrownJoy · 16/05/2012 19:58

Long history to this one (sorry) - A is/was my oldest friend. We had lots of fun as teenagers and then single 20-somethings, however she was always quite spoiled and competitive. This never really bothered me, but my family have never really liked her (and they are usually good judges of character).

Late 20s, she met her DP and had 2 kids. She was a complete nightmare Bridezilla - a total control freak, she wouldn't let me organise her hen as she "wanted it done properly" (ended up costing everyone a fortune at a time when I really couldn't afford it), didn't want me as a bridesmaid as I was too tall, etc etc. She was also insufferably smug at being married before me 30.

We just about managed to maintain our friendship through this, but once she had kids she stopped making any effort at all with me - I had to go and visit her, stay at her house, come to her for coffee. Apparently I didn't understand anything about being busy or tired because I didn't have kids....

So, the friendship limped on until I got a new job abroad. We then went an entire year without communicating and tbh this was ok by me.

Except I'm now getting married, and in the spirit of reconciliation I invited her to the wedding - well, I sent her a save the date card to be exact. She has done nothing but piss me around since. She asked if the hen could be held in her home town (she is the only person coming from this town, my family are 200 miles away and I'm abroad!), then she insisted on bringing her husband on the hen for some unknown reason. I emailed and told her in no uncertain terms that it is ladies only, and to let me know when she had organised her flights etc (the hen is in my city abroad, but only a cheap flight away) and its now been a month and I've heard nothing more from her, so I've got no idea if she's coming or not.

I'm so fed up with her!! Years of being a selfish cow, plus I had to bend over backwards and wait on her hand and foot over her wedding, and now for mine she's just being a massive pain in the arse. I feel like emailing her and explaining that, actually we haven't really been on good terms for a while, I offered an olive branch but now I regret it, and wouldn't it just be easier all round if we stopped pretending to be friends....

AIBU and a massive cow?

OP posts:

Original poster

CupOfBrownJoy · 16/05/2012 21:10

Kids are around 3 and 5 iirc (that's bad that I can't even remember!)

I'm through giving her the benefit of the doubt now. She's just bloody selfish and rude. At least she won't be on the hen do, and I can live with her at the wedding - its only an evening party and there'll be loads of other people there.

After that NO MORE!! I am determined!!

Thanks for the advice everyone. At least I can be secure in the knowledge that MN doesn't think I'm a Massive Cow

OP posts:

Original poster

CupOfBrownJoy · 17/05/2012 08:56

Ah! Had a reply this morning (funny, it took her over a month to reply before!)...

She says she was planning on coming to the hen and the wedding, but has exams next week and was planning on booking her flights after that, so a full 6 weeks/2 months after the original email was sent out.

I think I'll tell her she's too late.....

OP posts:

Paiviaso · 17/05/2012 09:04

I think you don't need to be dramatic about it.

She hasn't responded, so just tell her you are sorry she can't make the hen.

just noticed you've already done this

If you send her a wedding invitation, and she doesn't RSVP, same deal.

Be polite and firm any time she starts up with the bullshit.

Nyac · 17/05/2012 09:20

If she is such an old friend, and she does end up coming to the wedding, maybe you should make some time at a later date after the wedding to let her know how you feel about her behaviour towards you. If she doesn't apologise and promise to change, then maybe you can say you don't want to be friends anymore - alternatively it might clear the air and you can move on to a new phase in your friendship. Unless you've done this already, in which case drop her immediately.

claudedebussy · 17/05/2012 09:26

i think now you have to write back and say you're so sorry, but it's too late for the hen do. good luck with the exams.

she's treated you appallingly and sounds very entitled.

GoPoldark · 17/05/2012 09:28

Hey, I think you've handled it all pretty well so far. She's tried to push you around again and you've given her a pretty sharp message that no, you're not on those terms any more - no to hen do at her place (WTF?!) and no to DH. But you haven't seemed mean and petty by e.g. not inviting her - so you leave her with nowt to complain about! She must have been sitting there quite peed off with being put in her place, but with nothing to really complain about!

So - if you want to ram the message home, I suggest a short email saying, 'Sorry but I would have expected at least a reply on it now, especially from someone who was so particular about the arrangements for their own hen do. I'm sorry, but the place is taken. Thanks for your reply, Cup.'

I bet she won't come to the wedding after that and you will have made your point without any need to be less than graceful. And, if she does come - well, you'll be surrounded by your own friends and family and certainly won't have any time or inclination to fuss around her.

EvenBetter · 17/05/2012 09:30

Seriously stay firm, there's enough people that force their way into getting 'invited' to weddings. If she goes you'll have to pay for the pleasure of her company and you'll be trying to avoid her plus as a guest she'll be contributing to the atmosphere of the day.
I uninvited some skank and am so pleased i did! There were however still about 10 people at my wedding that I actively hate, and when I think about it I remember their antics and it makes me sad/angry and then even more so that they did that to my memories.
Stay firm! :o

Original poster

CupOfBrownJoy · 17/05/2012 09:41

Thanks for your advice on this - I admit I'm feeling slightly smug that MN has backed me up. She IS entitled!! It's just taken me a long time to realise....

I will reply and say that due to her late reply we've had to let go some of the rooms we were holding at the hotel, and there's no longer any free rooms. I will say that I'm looking forward to seeing her at the wedding though. I'd feel a bit mean otherwise.

She's always so friendly in her contact, it really puts me on the back foot. Its all "honey how are you!!!??" when I'm feeling all

OP posts:

Gigondas · 17/05/2012 10:55

Do what evenbetter said. And words are cheap- you can do all the "hi honey how are you?" you like but means nothing if you act like an entitled precious cow.

VonHerrBurton · 17/05/2012 11:09

That's what it will be, I bet you're right Mrsjay - the DH won't want her to go alone. He doesn't know you that well, is jealous that the two of you were close when you were both younger and single etc etc. I have a friend like this and she's lovely, but DH is a prick. She isn't 'allowed' anywhere without him. He will want to know she is coming home to him after the celebrations...

I bet she really wants to come. I think it's him. Why else would he be booked to come as well? How rude! Unfortunately disinvite is the only way to avoid awkwardness on the hen especially.

VonHerrBurton · 17/05/2012 11:11

Sorry - I've only read bits of the thread, lots of it has been resolved - good.

Had to stick my two penny worth in tho!

Original poster

CupOfBrownJoy · 17/05/2012 11:13

I've let her know that we could only hold onto the hotel rooms for so long, we've had to let them go now and there's no more room for her.

I think 2 months to sort this out is long enough. I'm quite relieved tbh. She'll be at the wedding, but I feel as though that's manageable.

Thanks all.

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claudedebussy · 17/05/2012 11:49

well done.

Nonky · 17/05/2012 12:32

It might sound mean but I would definitely rescind her wedding invite. The relief I had when I did this to one of my bridesmaids for similar reasons meant I was able to enjoy my wedding at last. It's hard but worth it

CheesyWellingtons · 17/05/2012 23:21

I don't think you will need to rescind the wedding invite. Even with her thick skin, I expect she will be so p'd off she is no longer invited to the hen do, she will withdraw from the wedding. Job done

Original poster

CupOfBrownJoy · 18/05/2012 09:06

Update - after my email to say she was too late, I've had another email back saying oh no, what a shame, never mind I'll see you at the wedding..... so she's not exactly gutted!!

Ah well, I've got what I wanted (sort of) in the end and I've managed not to look like a total bitch, so I'm happy with that

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topsmart · 18/05/2012 09:07

Well done OP! Had been wondering about her response, thanks for keep us nosey people informed. Glad it all worked out for the best, now you can relax and enjoy your hen do.

claudedebussy · 18/05/2012 17:40

you've acquitted yourself very well and got the result you wanted. great stuff

PineappleBed · 18/05/2012 17:46

These "me me me" people are always over the top when they do bother to contact you, it's designed to make you feel like they actually are nice so they can continue to piss you around (bitter experience tells me)

Looking forward to hearing what she says in return (yes I'm that sad)

Original poster

CupOfBrownJoy · 18/05/2012 17:55

I think that's it now until the wedding PineappleBed. She did the whole "oh no I'm so sorry I can't be there, but hey never mind see you around", and I don't think an answer from me is really needed, so I haven't replied.

Judging on past experiences I won't hear a word until the actual day, OR I'll hear the day before that "oh honey I'm SO gutted but one of the kids is ill" and they won't come.

Hey ho!

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