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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I can't really be expected to go to my BIL's wedding the same week that I have a Caesarian can I?

45 replies

Snowboarder · 15/05/2012 21:45

WIBU just to decline? Ok I could probably negotiate the date (my consultant hasn't agreed it yet) so that I have it after the wedding BUT even then I will still be massively pg - and I'm suffering horribly from edema (both legs and fanjo ) and wearing horrible flight sock things which aren't exactly ideal wedding wear.

Please MN jury - can I have a note to be excused?

FWIW I get on well with BIL and his fiancee so no ulterior motive whatsoever - I just don't want to go to a wedding either immediately after or before a huge op.

OP posts:

Original poster

Snowboarder · 15/05/2012 22:05

It IS local so in theory if I'm still pg on the big day I could attend the ceremony at least but if I'm totally honest I'd rather not. It's not just vanity (although I am v.chubby now with huge elephant legs and the least said about my fanjo the better ) but also because I'm quite anxious about the OP after my previous EMCS and know my head won't really be in the right place just beforehand. Either way, I hope they understand and won't hold it against me. I'll send DS1 as my 'official representative' in any case - he is much cuter than me at least.

OP posts:

Original poster

Snowboarder · 15/05/2012 22:10

Good point Flisspaps ! I think the problem s that everyone from DH's family have had straight forward vaginal births and been up and about afterwards. They don't really understand that caesarians are a major op. My previous birth was a huge nightmare (DS 3 month prem, EMCS, long SCBU stay) so I will need time to get myself prepared for this time around even if all goes swimmingly.

OP posts:

Aboutlastnight · 15/05/2012 22:21

I think you have to beware of the temptation to think you'll have this baby and carry on as before. I have done this with baby 2 and 3 and at some point have had to get a grip on myself, remind myself I have just had a baby and rest and relax.

You think you know it all by number 2 but every baby is different and the challenges are different. And every c section recovery is different.

Mosman · 15/05/2012 22:23

My cousin had her 30th birthday party the week after she had had a c section, not everyone recovers at the same rate.

AdoraBell · 15/05/2012 23:36

You have my permission, if anyone tries to force/guilt you into attending let me know, I'll sort 'em out for you

Herrena · 15/05/2012 23:42

No, you can't.

Mumsnet has spoken.

AdoraBell · 16/05/2012 00:06

Oh and if need be, explain that a straightforward vaginal birth is very different to major surgery. If they tell you 'well I managed" respond with - Oh, so you don't really understand then, do you? In a "I feel sorry for you" voice

madwomanintheattic · 16/05/2012 00:11

Dsis came to my dd2's christening 5 days after her emergency c section. An hour and a half drive each way.

Jus' sayin'.

And yes, I have had a c section. And no, I wouldn't have bothered, personally.

But it was lovely to see her, and brand new shiny dnephew.

She wore trackies. no one cared.

CointreauVersial · 16/05/2012 00:17

As it's local I would suggest you tell BIL that you won't be there for reception but IF (and only if) you feel up to it on the day you will come to the ceremony. Then there is no pressure on you, but you haven't closed the door entirely.

Of course, if you'd rather dance on the tables at 2am no-one's stopping you....

MrsAmaretto · 16/05/2012 00:19

Lord no - I was still in hospital 6 days after my non complicated elective section! The NHS doesn't always kick you out after 2-4 days.

flyingspaghettimonster · 16/05/2012 02:52

I would go if it was before the csection, decline if after. I went clubbing on my due date with no. 1 though, so might have a more active 3rd trimester. I never felt unable to go places towards the births, but wouldn't feel up to a wedding for at least a week after c-section.

Longdistance · 16/05/2012 02:58

A CS is classed as a major operation, so therefor, you are excused!

TheHumancatapult · 16/05/2012 03:14

No and insurance be a nightmare anyway and your consultant would probably refuse

TheHumancatapult · 16/05/2012 03:16

Oops lol I thought abroad but I would still decline after Dd I felt like been hit by a train

TroublesomeEx · 16/05/2012 05:21

snowboarder tbh after my CS I was in recovery for 12 hours and my blood pressure was so low I went everywhere in a wheelchair for the following 3 days.

I passed out twice; I was in a private room so I only had to crawl 6 feet to the toilet and still ended up passing out in the shower; I was in hospital for 7 days.

There's no chance I'd go. As other people have said, if it was any other surgery would they still think you should go?

bobbledunk · 16/05/2012 17:32

Take it as easy as possible and enjoy your new baby, even if you feel fantastic a few days afterwards because you're on a big high after the birth, stay at home. It's so easy to think you're fine and overdo it which could jepordise your recovery.

BBisTitanium · 16/05/2012 17:47

YANBU i had a stupid bitch friend tell me that i should come to her kids bday tea (at her flat not a hall, with minimal seating) 6 days post section because it would be lazy not too! I could barely stand! She got told where to go!

She had a section for dc2 herself oct last year... Didnt leave her home until two and half weeks!

lacroixsweetie · 17/05/2012 17:03

Don't be bonkers - why put the extra pressure on yourself too? You won't be well enough to stick around for long, your husband will get tiddly and assume you can manage two kids in a hotel somewhere (on grounds that they'll be asleep) and you'll be up to your eardrums in painkillers and trying to lever a newborn from floor level, out of a travel cot, without bending....

It's highly likely that you'll have to cancel in any case which means that your BIL will have to foot the bill for your non-attendance. If he doesn't accept your decline and wants to hold the place open for you then that's fine but if you decline now he will save the cost / or offer your place to someone who can definitely come. There are always last minute cancellations so if you do feel up to it, you can always use one of those spots.

I declined my sisters wedding invite two days after my due date on grounds that I would not be allowed to fly home. Had the baby two weeks early and was put under some pressure to get there any way possible. Thankfully a passport can't be processed in the UK that quickly.......... well I wasn't going to spend the day at the passport office anyway

Ithinkitsjustme · 17/05/2012 17:56

Do whatever YOU are comfortable with. Explain to your DBIL that you don't know how you are going to be feeling on the day, not to make arrangements for you to be there at the formal reception but if you feel up to attending the ceremony (and the knees up) then you will just show up. If you have the baby first then just stay at home (or in hospital) and cuddle that gorgeous little baby.
I know that if I had not had my baby I owuld have been there (went to a Halloween party after my waters had broken and had the baby the next morning, ) but every pregnancy is different and everyone has the right to do what they are comfortable with - and every reasonable person will understand that.

skybluepearl · 17/05/2012 18:10

you need to put your needs and babies needs first right now. anyone who loves you will understand

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