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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to not want to pander to over involved parents?

27 replies

peanutbutter38 · 15/05/2012 19:16

dd2 has a friend who she's been making and breaking friends with over the past five years. (going to middle school in September and I've asked they are not in the same class)
To cut a very long story short,my dd is always complaining about issues with this girl. But one minute they're friends and the next minute not. Today she came home upset because this girl said she'd only play with my dd if another girl was excluded (which my dd refused to do because she likes this girl and didn't want to exclude anyone) and was making up mean songs about her etc.. they're 9.
On many many occasions in the past, when they've fallen out, the Mother of this girl has emailed or phoned me to ask what's going on and basically accuse my dd - (very daft, very trivial. And if I phoned her every time my dd has been on receiving end, I'd have a very long phone bill).. I recently had a conversation with someone who had no clue about the trouble I'm having with this super involved Mother. She brought up the subject by asking if I'd ever had problems with this girl because her daughter has, and then saying that she'd had issues with the Mother (same as mine, constant calls etc)and had had to back off.
So anyway, after yet another text from her saying she needed to speak to me immediately (same old shit), I did let rip and tell her I was sick of it, and the phone calls (often slagging off other peoples kids) had to stop. And I told her that my dd had complained frequently about hers, but I'd dealt with it, and didn't feel the need to phone or text her every time this sort of thing occurred. She was a bit pissy, but I had got to the very very end of my tether with her.
And I suspect that part of the problem (with her daughters behaviour) is that she knows her Mother thinks she's sweetness and light and never puts a foot wrong. In conversations, she's never really conceded that her dd might be at fault. Did I do the right thing telling her to back off?

OP posts:
DizzyKipper · 15/05/2012 19:24

Sounds like you got it right to me.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 15/05/2012 19:27
bringbacksideburns · 15/05/2012 19:27

Yes absolutely.

She sounds a total PITA.

I have a 9 year old girl. You have to back off from time to time, they fall out, they are friends a couple of days later.
DD was left out a bit at school in a similar situation and i just had a quiet word with the teacher, they are now all friends again.

CremeEggThief · 15/05/2012 19:43

You did indeed. Don't let her make you feel guilty about something you have been bottling up for a long time.

GrahamTribe · 15/05/2012 19:54

Perfect. :) If you really want me to nit-pick I could criticise, but only by saying "You should have done it a damn hell of a lot sooner!". Grin

exoticfruits · 15/05/2012 19:55

You did the right thing. My mother's advice was correct- never get involved in DCs friendships. Don't feel guilty.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 15/05/2012 19:57

Well done!!

I used to get similar from the mum of a girl that DD1 is friends with. DD1 and her friend are nearly 14!! The mum refused to believe her little darling had ever done anything wrong and basically just wanted to moan at me and argue with me rather than sort anything out.

Eglu · 15/05/2012 19:59

Good for you. You did what most people want to do in that situation but don't have the nerve too.

Rilson · 15/05/2012 20:00

You did the right thing.

Childhood is all about the break ups and then the make ups. Its completely normal and if it does start to get a bit OTT then just a word in the teachers ear usually does the trick.

Inneedofsanity · 15/05/2012 20:07

Sometimes people need to be told the reality of their childrens behaviour.
Well done OP hope you get some peace and quiet now!

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 15/05/2012 20:11

Nothing pisses me off more than parents that see their childrens' behaviour through rose-tinted glasses.

peanutbutter38 · 15/05/2012 20:16

I suspect that's part of the problem. This girl knows Mum will back her corner no matter what she does or says and knows that if she ever has a problem with anyone her Mother will phone their Mother and whine about it (and she's done it with three or four people)

OP posts:
LeQueen · 15/05/2012 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manicbmc · 15/05/2012 20:37

Dd had a similar problem. The girl also had a mother who would call and moan about my dd (okay dd did once lamp the girl one, but how she'd kept her temper for so long was beyond me).

This girl bullied and harassed dd through year 5/6, telling the rest of the girls not to play with her and generally being nasty but her mother would not have it that her child could behave like that. Now she is 17 and still behaves like that, more often than not towards her mother.

Mainly I just advised dd not to bother and find different friends (which she did) but it was still all hurtful at the time.

Coconutty · 15/05/2012 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LeQueen · 15/05/2012 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ToryLovell · 15/05/2012 20:45

YWNBU at all

exoticfruits · 15/05/2012 21:35

Children need to learn about friendships and they need to make their own mistakes and sort it out. A parent who tries to engineer it for them isn't doing them any favours- they are missing an important part of childhood- learning how to break up and make up or possibly just move on.

Bagofholly · 15/05/2012 21:38

Spot on.

Olympia2012 · 15/05/2012 21:38

Middle school might sort them out a bit as it's quite different to primary!

ladymariner · 15/05/2012 21:43

Brilliant, well done you x

theoldtrout01876 · 15/05/2012 23:42

My Dd1 had a friendship like that at that age. The mother actually called my Dd1,upset her hugely. I had a quiet rant word with said mother reamed her a brand new asshole told her if there was problems between the girls,let them work it out or to talk to me and to never again call and bitch at my 9 year old daughter

Stupid cow :o

exoticfruits · 16/05/2012 06:52

When I was about 8 we all used to play out and one girl was really bossy and we always fell out. Her mother would then come out and ask us to be friends again- we were deeply resentful, but too young to argue with her. You can't manage your DCs friendships. They will also not manage arguments and relationships and give and take as as adult if they haven't had the experience as a child.

Scholes34 · 16/05/2012 09:28

DS1 has a friend and mother like this. She micro-managed their friendships and locked me into a weekly play-date (I hate that term) arrangement before I realised what had happened. This boy has nothing to endear him to me and his main skill seems to be his ability to grab biscuits with two hands when they're offered to him. He's sneaky and underhand and always the "innocent by-stander", but my DS seemed to enjoy his company.

When secondary school places were allocated, I was relieved to see they weren't in the same class, but mum of said boy asked the school to move him, and they did. All along, the mum's attitude has been tedious and annoying, rather than anything major that would cause me to take action. However, on a school trip DS and a group of pupils, including said boy, got into trouble for high jinx. Said boy played the innocent by-stander card.

My response to DS was that if he couldn't behave in said boy's presence, he should subtly try to avoid being in any groups with him in or out of school. Not sure how this message has made it back to his mother, but she's been blatantly ignoring me in the primary school playground and in any other places we might meet. I am really happy that DS's friendship with said boy is on the wane, but I'm feeling massively guilty about it. And I know I shouldn't.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 16/05/2012 10:00

Some mothers have clearly never left school and the playground themselves. Either that or they had a shit time at school with friendships and are determined their children will have lots of friends no matter what a twat they make of themselves when they're ensuring this for their child

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