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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that I know what bullying is?

30 replies

bogeyface · 15/05/2012 15:54

And not appreciate getting a bollocking for suggesting that "I'm not your friend anymore, I am BFF with X" is not bullying?

OP posts:
manicbmc · 15/05/2012 15:56

Eh? Confused

GrahamTribe · 15/05/2012 15:57

Well, if you're unreasonable so am I because it doesn't match my view of what bullying is either. So what dork who told you otherwise?

gafhyb · 15/05/2012 15:58

Well, it would depend a lot on how old the children are, and what else has been said, and whether a child is being excluded

Original poster
bogeyface · 15/05/2012 16:00

I suspect it is a PFB, and she is getting the normal girls falling out thing in the play ground and her mum is getting way too involved imo. I suggested that it wasnt bullying (was asked for advice btw) and was told in no uncertain terms that I dont know what I am talking about.

despite being bullied mercilessly myself Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
bogeyface · 15/05/2012 16:01

about 9/10 yrs old

OP posts:
manicbmc · 15/05/2012 16:02

Don't know about bullying. That would depend on circumstances and what has been said. Having said that, I always brought dd up to try and be inclusive and to treat others in a way she would expect to be treated.

gafhyb · 15/05/2012 16:04

girls this age can be 'orrible. It might not be bullying, it might be. Girls of 9/10 should know better than to speak to someone like that

IcantSleep · 15/05/2012 16:05

When I was that age, myself and the girls in my class were forever changing best friends! I think that's normal behaviour, to swap friends and maybe even stop speaking to the ex best friend.
Exclusion/being ignored isn't nice no, but if it's just that alone then I wouldn't class that as bullying.

gafhyb · 15/05/2012 16:06

bogey - you may not know the extent of it, the mother may be blowing it out of proportion. When my DS was being bullied I didn't talk to any other parents until afterwards, because I suspected a fair few would not believe me. I know the effect it had on my son, though

manicbmc · 15/05/2012 16:07

At that age girls seem to become vile, jostling for position with their peers.

Just think how that other girl is feeling by being excluded by people who she has probably previously got on well with.

2shoes · 15/05/2012 16:07

that is what kids say to each other it isn't bullying

IcantSleep · 15/05/2012 16:07

Thinking about it, we were probably more like 6-7 years old, than 10.

gafhyb · 15/05/2012 16:07

sorry, that should read "you may not know the extent of it or the mother may be blowing it out of proportion"

gafhyb · 15/05/2012 16:08

For anyone in this situation - get the book "Bullies, Bigmouths and So-Called Friends"

Hullygully · 15/05/2012 16:09

Run of the mill unpleasantness I'd say.

manicbmc · 15/05/2012 16:09

Turn it around and consider, next week it could be your child who is being excluded from a circle of friends. Would it be bullying then?

Hullygully · 15/05/2012 16:09
gafhyb · 15/05/2012 16:10

hello hully Smile

DeWe · 15/05/2012 17:16

I would say it could be bullying. It could not be.

Just as "you're not invited to my party" could be said in a nasty "I am excluding you" way or in a factual "this is what's happening way". Both ways can upset the hearer though and it should be recognised as not a nice thing to say anyway.

Original poster
bogeyface · 15/05/2012 17:36

Manic, it has been my kids at one point and another. Ime it is a rare thing for this not to happen, particularly to girls, at some point in their school career. Girls can be bloody vile to each other, and I should know, I was on the receiving and giving end of it myself as a child.

I know it is horrible when your best friend says " X is my best friend now and we arent talking to you" and you get left out of things for a while, but generally things straighten themselves out and in time the cow gets a bit back from someone else and lessons are learned all round. I just dont think that barrelling up to school demanding punishments etc is going to help in anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
bogeyface · 15/05/2012 17:38

Anyway, the point of my post was really that I dont appreciate someone asking me for advice when they know I have children older than hers, only to be told that I catergorically dont know what i am talking about when I gently suggest she might be over reacting.

OP posts:
thebody · 15/05/2012 17:45

Well most people who ask for advice don't actually want it they want u to agree with them!!

It's not bullying if it's transitory so it's not always same kid left out etc.

I always find inviting the bully to play and tea works, especially when u instigate a conversation about ' being nice to each other'

Yanbu

ImBetterThanYou · 15/05/2012 17:50

I thought this was about you OP, not your daughter, I was about to rant about acting immature and you all needing a kick up the bum until I read the other posts :o

You may not see it as bullying but if this is how the child feels (personally I think the mother is overreacting but I don't know the whole story), maybe this would be a good time to teach yor daughter about not swapping or excluding friends all the time as others may get hurt, and one time it may be dd feeling as upset as her ex bff does now.

manicbmc · 15/05/2012 17:54

*shrugs

I just reckon it is an ideal opportunity to teach kids about respecting others and treating them as well as they would want to be treated.

I agree that barrelling up to school, shouting about bullying isn't the way to go but I don't think it should be just dismissed as 'what kids do' either. Some kids don't behave like that - but then they're usually the ones on the receiving end.

DogEared · 15/05/2012 18:12

I know of several instances where this kind of thing has been bullying. Do you think the girl has said this in a pleasant way? Is there a pleasant way of saying something like this? Exclusion can be bullying, and there's no shrugging it off for many young children. I don't get this shrugging of the shoulders and saying "that's what young girls are like"- If it's not acceptable as an adult, they need to learn. (not saying you're doing that btw OP.)
Maybe the person asking for advice was hoping for a bit of sympathy, and thought you weren't taking her worries seriously?