Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to completely cut this girl off?

24 replies

MummySunshine · 15/05/2012 11:52

(Sorry if this is long and trivial)

I have been very close friend with this girl for the best part of 8 years, to the point where she was the only friend I ever really saw - did everything together, spoke every day, let her live in my house when she had nowhere to go etc

The problem is in the last year or so I realised how draining she is, she always was very controlling, extremely rude, bitched about all her friends to me (and I know she did the same about me), and in general was a very mean person. She lied about being raped, being pregnant and having cancer. She also has an eating disorder but is in complete denial about it.

When I fell pregnant with DS (now 7 wks) I decided enough is enough and I didn't want this girl around me anymore, let alone my child. Had one facebook msg from her while I was pregnant that I ignored, and I've heard she's been badmouthing me to who ever will listen of course.

But as of the last few weeks I've been feeling so guilty. I know she's awful and poisonous to be around but I also know she has a lot of issues, have I been a crap friend?

OP posts:

KellyElly · 15/05/2012 11:55

No, you did the right thing. You don't need a toxic person like that in your life. Sounds like you are well rid. Just don't even think or talk about her any more or she's still in your life and your head.

WorraLiberty · 15/05/2012 11:56

I'm going to be honest and say it looks as though you ditched her because something better (a baby) came along.

I can't believe you didn't notice for the first 7yrs of your friendship that she had these issues.

ChitChatFlyingby · 15/05/2012 11:56

I think you're at a place where you need to be kinder to yourself than you have been before, by having such a drain of a 'friend' around you.

If you have a 7 week old DS, then you are likely feeling very emotional at the moment, which is why all the feelings of guilt have suddenly come up.

DON'T get in touch at this point. The last thing you need with a young child is a so-called friend who drains you of all your energy. It also sounds as though having her around all the time prevented you from forming and keeping other friendships - and you will need to form new friendship groups with other mums for support right now.

Tryharder · 15/05/2012 12:02

Well of course she's bad mouthing you if you cut her off without explanation. How rude of you! If you were friends for so long then she at least deserved an explanation.

YABU

Original poster

MummySunshine · 15/05/2012 12:08

Sorry I didn't mention I didn't just disappear with no explanation, it was quite gradual and we did address it - I told her I was finding it difficult do deal with all her negativity.

It wasn't because 'oh now I have a baby I don't need you' it was more 'now I have a baby I have to be more careful about who I have around me'

When you've been close with someone for that long its difficult to get out of the habit until you have such a strong reason to?

Do you think I should reach out to her then?

OP posts:

Original poster

MummySunshine · 15/05/2012 12:08

Sorry I didn't mention I didn't just disappear with no explanation, it was quite gradual and we did address it - I told her I was finding it difficult do deal with all her negativity.

It wasn't because 'oh now I have a baby I don't need you' it was more 'now I have a baby I have to be more careful about who I have around me'

When you've been close with someone for that long its difficult to get out of the habit until you have such a strong reason to?

Do you think I should reach out to her then?

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 15/05/2012 12:11

How does your DP feel about her, just out of interest?

Original poster

MummySunshine · 15/05/2012 12:12

I don't have one I'm a single mum

OP posts:

Original poster

MummySunshine · 15/05/2012 12:12

I don't have one I'm a single mum

OP posts:

MoodyNagoo · 15/05/2012 12:15

You only ignored one message.

If any the friends i have ever 'ignored' because I failed to respond to one FB message started badmouthing me then I don't think I would be rushing to regain their friendship!

You are better off out of it, YANBU.

WorraLiberty · 15/05/2012 12:15

No I don't think you should 'reach out to her'

You've decided you don't want her as a friend anymore, despite being very close to her in the past.

You've distanced yourself just as you wanted to, so I'd leave her be.

Has she shown any signs of wanting to be friends again?

Original poster

MummySunshine · 15/05/2012 12:19

Not since the very start of my pregnancy, I definitely don't want to go back to being how we were as it was an extremely one sided 'friendship' but I feel guilty as I know she has a lot of problems and wonder if I'm in the wrong. I'm just not sure if it would be possible to have a more casual friendship with her.

OP posts:

KellyElly · 15/05/2012 12:51

You've kind of answered you own question in your posts about her - she doesn't sound like she'd really be a 'casual' friend as it was a very intense friendship.

thebody · 15/05/2012 13:43

As often what worra says

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 15/05/2012 13:54

YANBU, I can't believe a few posters have said otherwise

Pseudo341 · 15/05/2012 13:57

YANBU if someone is all take they're not a friend and you're definitely better off without them.

sallymonella · 15/05/2012 14:00

YANBU, you have done what you feel is right for yourself and your child. Yes she has issues, but if your friendship didn't help her with these issues after 8 years then I doubt you can help at all. She probably doesn't even want help with them.
You're feeling guilty because you're nice - that's normal :)

OAM2009 · 15/05/2012 14:09

How did she react when you told her how you felt about her negativity? Do you think she would be interested in a different kind of friendship?

Babies change the relationships around them - create parents and grandparents. Could you use the wonderful birth of your little one as a chance to create a new, more positive relationship?

This is ONLY if a) you have the time and strength for this and b) you think she would genuinely want a changed and more positive relationship. If the answer to either question is No, then YANBU to distance yourself and keep distanced.

Congrats on your DS

MsKittyFane · 15/05/2012 14:13

No, don't reach out to her. Let her go. We all make bad choices ( friendships/ relationships) when we are not feeling great ourselves.
You have your baby to look after and can do without her poisoning your world. Don't feel guilty about letting her go.

Mrsjay · 15/05/2012 14:14

your friend drained the life from you , you now have your own familiy to take care off you dont need somebody like that in your life IMO keep her at arms length for now ,

redexpat · 15/05/2012 14:29

Having limits does not make you a bad person.

Friendships are usually for a reason, season, or lifetime. The season on this one has drawn to a close.

Inadeeptrance · 15/05/2012 14:49

I have had 'friends' like that before. My life has improved immeasurably since I got rid of them.

Now, I see friendship as a two way street and have good boundaries. My friends now are lovely, positive and don't drain the life out of me.

You've done the right thing, move on and let her say what she likes.

MaisyMooCow · 15/05/2012 15:16

I think the fact that she has bad mouthed you to other friends since you distanced yourself speaks volumes. Had she valued the friendship she would have approached you directly and asked you want the problem was.

LifesComplicated · 16/05/2012 14:56

YANBU. You really don't need toxic people around you ever in life, but especially now you have such a young baby. From personal experience, I found that it wasn't until I had my DS1 that I gained the personal self-confidence and self-worth to assert what I would and wouldn't tolerate from others. At that point I too let some 'friendships' slide that were not good for my psyche.

As an aside - I work in mental health and from your description of your friend it indicates she may possibly have a serious underlying personality disorder (either narcissistic or borderline) which are notoriously difficult to deal with for those close to them, and do not have a great prognosis in terms of huge improvements (without huge amounts of intensive therapy and the individual recognizing they have a personality disorder and learning how to deal with it in a less socially destructive way- i.e. how to resist the urges to lie and emotionally manipulate).

So no, YAdefinitelyNBU !

Flip