to be so insecure about EVERYTHING

[46andacompletemess]

Have name changed as I feel a complete idiot. There's noone I can talk to in real life, noone who has any clue about how I feel. This probably is a pity party, so sorry.

I just feel paralysed by insecurity at the moment but it's only really in the last day or two I've realised that the problems are mine and mine alone. In the past I've blamed a million other things for how I am.

This morning I sat down and made a list for the first time of all the things that have probably impacted on how I feel. I can safely say though, that no one would ever suspect this is going on in my head.

Moved house and schools before age 13 x 8 times
Raped by stranger at 11 - to this day only a few people know and I never told my parents
Didn't have many friends
Was bullied a bit at school
Dh hit me the first Christmas we were together
Had an abortion
Had an affair and got caught
Paying off 90k debt (1 year to go)

Secrets, so many bloody secrets. I'd love to be free from it all. But I feel like I'm stuck, can't come clean to anyone because a) there's noone really to trust and b) have high powered job where all that shit up there WOULD have an impact.

I tried counselling once, went to a house where a woman in an orange skirt just said (when I told her about the rape) oh, poor you. I don't know what to say. I never went back.

Deep breath, press create.

The OP said "yes I am" when I asked, which I assume means she's still with him.

I could have written this -I'm the same age and had a major meltdown this year that I'm trying to recover from. Confidence is shot and I feel useless, just want to stay home and potter, cant take the full on job anymore. I have some major stressors at the moment which are not resolvable so feel really stuck with life.

I hugely admire you have repaid your debt, that does show you are capable of achieving but I suspect saying that doesn't help, does it? I have been seeing a counsellor and have actually planned to retrain as a counsellor as a way out of the job I can't stand any more! It can help just to be able to talk to someone unconnected to your life and say the things you haven't been able to say to anyone else but it is certainly no quick fix.

I don't really understand why this feeling is hitting now when I have been living with some of the issues for years and years but maybe it is the cumulative weight that finally brings you down. I dont know how to make things better other than reaching some form of acceptance with the things that have happened -easier said than done of course. It helps to try and see the lighter side of things when you can and not to take things too seriously.

I'm the main wage earner in our household and that felt like a crushing responsibility when I wasn't coping with severe work pressure. I know what I need to change, work, but I am stuck as to how I do it having worked in the same company throughout bringing up my children - I feel like I don't know how to do anything else. So I would just ask - what's the main thing making you unhappy now and can you change it?

I agree with littlegirllost29 in that I think you have to do one step at a time.
which issue would you like to handle first.
talk to someone in Rl, get a counsellor,talk some more on here.
people on here are not going anywhere.you may not want to talk on here until tomorrow for example.
You may need to do nothing for an hour, that may be your now step.
what would you like to do right now?

Going for Neuro-linguistic programming may be an easier alternative to counselling in the first instance. I had a pretty traumatic time too and counselling did nothing for me as it made me feel weak (I know its a sign of strength now, but it didn't feel like it then) and NLP felt positive and as if I was taking action...its hard to explain. It helps with coping strategies and identifies your triggers to help you help yourself iykwim. I was also superwoman and not one single person understood what was going on in my head so I empathise. I only needed three sessions of NLP and the fog began to lift. Good luck whatever you decide.

I dont think you need to blab absolutely everything to everybody.I think everybody keeps a little tiny bit back.

A good friend of mine, a trained counsellor, volunteers at a local health charity phone line and she has several regulars who she chats to on the phone who have been raped and abused in childhood. Most are high powered super women types and prefer the phone to face to face... Maybe worth thinking about talking it through by phone, that way no orange skirts?

Also, like snake*, I think NLP is worth a look, it's helped me in the past!
good luck x

How are you doing 46?

I feel a bit better now some of this is out even if its not out in real life. So thank you.

Regarding my dh, our mariage was pretty messed up at first even though I didn't really see it (excuses, fear of failing etc etc) but now it's ok. That episode was a long, long time ago and it did scar but I'm pretty sure that he wouldnt ever hit me again. We've each had our second chance and think we are committed - I'm not unhappy with him, just with myself.

Do you know the trigger for me? I've never told anyone I don't think - its those girls - Holly and Jessica. I was the same age as them when I was attacked and it's always haunted me - what if the person who attacked me went on to murder as they say that can happen. When my eldest was the same age too, thats when things really went tits up, I was like a lemonade bottle ready to fizz - completely out of control. I had a brief affair, looking for something to ease the hurt. But as coping strategies go, I woudn't recommend it. I saw something on the internet yesterday, and poof off I go again.

But I wont ever go back to that awful place, how I feel now is a picnic compared to that. I just want it to go away.

Can you do NLP online I wonder, I can pour everything out on here but give me a real human and I just lie.

Unfortunately I think the only way to make it go away is to confront it. Pushing it under doesn't really work, at least not in the long term.

If you'd like to join our thread here please do. Everyone on it has had similar experiences to you, so we will understand how you feel.

It is possible to get through it and release its power over you but it is difficult.

Does your DH know about what happened?

It sounds like you're suffering from rape trauma, which unfortunately is something you have to heal from.

regarding the rape ,if the man did go on to murder,that is not your fault.That would have been something he did, that he has to answer for.
A child aged 11, no matter how grown up and mature,is not responsible for what happened.

Firstly, I want to say that you are very brave to post and open up like this. I really respect that.
I've worked with people who have experienced trauma, and I've lived through it myself. When something so terrible happens to you, there are going to be unhelpful ways that you try and make sense of it or try to feel better. Could be drink or drugs, self harming, spending too much money etc. For me, I blamed myself, and I was really hard on myself about the messed up things I did, that were completely linked to what happened. It took me 18 years before I spoke openly to my therapist about it, after seeing 3 counselors who I couldn't trust with it.
I don't think that making a list of all the bad stuff is helpful, it gives you another reason to beat yourself up. But what I read from your post is that despite everything you are moving through it (paying off 90k debt is amazing). You already have a lot of insight into how your experiences have impacted on your behaviours and choices. These are not your fault, but with guidance, you may be able to look after yourself more. That's what therapy gave me. Hardest thing I ever did but it saved my life.

How are you feeling today 46?