Have had to name-change for this as exh has a history of following me on here and may well have told his dm my username. Have had the same username for the past 9 years and dont really want to change it for day-to-day stuff. My story will however be very recognisable to some on here.
History: I have 2 boys with exh aged 9 & 10. We separated 5 years ago, and have been divorced for 3.5 years. We had been together from the age of 19 for 10 years.
Ex-mil has a vile temper. Over the nearly 15 years that I've known her, I have seen her blow up at exh over the most minor things. She has 5 children, and is constantly falling out with one of them. In fact with one daughter she has no contact with at all. They haven't spoken for some years now, and afaik eh-mil only has contact with her granddaughter from this daughter through the daughter's ex-partner. She has 1 other grandchild who lives abroad.
Exh has told me that all of his other siblings have distanced themselves to some degree from their dm. She is known to be very judgemental and critical. She is married to a lovely man (4th or 5th husband I think), and he is utterly devoted to her, she can do no wrong in his eyes.
Her children have had a very disrupted childhood with her many husbands and lovers. Exh once found her in bed with a strange man while she was married to his step-father (the one step-father he regarded as a dad and loved dearly).
You would be forgiven for thinking this is a Jeremy Kyle type family, but no. Very middle class, in fact she thinks of herself as quite the 'lady' and is a former teacher in a v expensive private school.
My oldest son has autism and was diagnosed before he was 2. As I'm sure you can imagine this was a very traumatic time for us. His autism was very severe, and he suddenly regressed from a perfectly fine toddler, to having no speech, no understanding, no eye contact, nothing. My ds2 was a baby at the time so we were naturally terribly worried the same would happen to him. Very dark times for us.
Examples of her behaviour:
When we had been together for about 2 years, exh and I had a brief split during the uni summer holidays. I stayed with my dsis, he with his dm. We were in the process of getting back together and would call each other. She got annoyed with me calling and called me back (getting my sister) and freaked out at HER for me calling exh. My sister had to put the phone down in shock. She never apologised to my sister and this made for a very awkward meeting between them at our wedding a few yrs later.
When I called my dm to tell her that we thought ds had autism she listened to me with a sympathetic ear, was comforting etc. Basically said all the right things. It's very hard making a call like that, admitting to your family that you think there is something wrong with your baby :( When exh called ex-mil, I could hear her screaming at him through the phone from the other side of the room that he was being ridiculous and stupid. Great. He'd already had to psych himself up to make the call, then got that response.
When exh called her to tell her I was pg with ds2 she screamed down the phone that we were ridiculous for having another baby so soon.
She sent me a letter once when exh and I were having problems. Saying 'xxx has had to sacrifice a lot for this marriage, including genetic problems etc etc'. Along with pages of other awful judgemental crap. Vile. Basically blaming me for ds's autism. I didn't speak to her for years after that. In fact I should have never spoken to her again.
She does love her grandchildren (one positive thing about her), PARTICULARLY ds1. One day I was looking at all of the pictures on display in her house. I was holding ds2 and we were pointing out at who we could see. There was LOADS if pictures in silver frames everywhere, most of them of ds1. there was not one of ds2. it makes me want to cry just thinking about it. His little face when we didn't find one of him :(
I made exh confront her about this. She said she would have a picture of ds2 but doesn't own one that 'does him justice'. WTAF? My suspicions are that she is more comfortable having pictures of ds1 on display as he looks v European whereas ds2 looks more mixed-race (I am mixed race). I don't know this for sure, but it really wouldn't surprise me. I've always felt it's been a disappointment to her that her son brought home a mixed race girl. Ruins her delightful middle class facade.
Exh is always having to walk on eggshells around her. There are often times when they are not talking.
She has always seemed to have a problem with me. I have no idea why, as I've been nothing but pleasant and forgiving to her over the years. Recently I've made a real effort to be extra nice, and will always have a chat with her about this-and-that. She will be lovely (to my face).
A few years ago her and her husband moved to the next town to where we live, so saw much more of the boys. She often takes ds1 out on bus and train journeys (something he loves) and looks after the boys a lot for exh. I don't really understand why he needs her help so much as he only has them on average 1 night a week. But they always seemed to be staying over there. I was not happy about this as I felt that he should have the boys during the short time he gets to spend with them (and not his mother). Also he would often leave ds1 with her (all day and night) as he found it hard having the two of them together. He would then do something like play golf with ds2. This would upset me as I think they should be doing things together most of the time, even if ds1 can be difficult. I manage to do loads with them together.
So ex-mil would see the boys, esp ds1, a lot, and would enjoy this. I am fine with this and she helped out when I was in hospital having my baby 2 yrs ago.
About 6 weeks ago ds2 came home saying 'I don't really like grandma'. He proceeds to tell me that she had just freaked out at exh in front of them when he had gone to collect them. Apparently exh had just said to ds1, 'come on then, get your shoes on...' 
. She was shouting so much that exh had to leave the house.
And prior to this she had been talking (shouting) about me. Referring to me as 'THAT WOMAN'. Saying I was a bad mother. Why did I not buy ds1 Clarks sandals (I had bought Timberland), I don't cut their nails enough (WTF). Generally ranting about me within direct earshot of my boys. And ds2 said this wasn't the first time he had heard stuff about me, or heard her freaking out at exh.
I was obviously furious. I told exh that I didn't want her having the boys anymore at her house. She could see them at his house, only when he is there. I am not having her spreading her poison any more. And if I hear that she has freaked out at him again, or said anything about me again in front of them, then she is not to see them. I have had 15 yrs of this crap.
At first he agreed with me. Said he has had enough too and she's getting worse. Apparently she's now turning on her (very sweet) husband too. I don't want the boys to be her next victims. Or to be around this sort of behaviour!
Now exh is saying I'm being too harsh as he needs her help with the boys.
AIBU?