AIBU to be upset by my mum

[hatingtoday]

She has really upset me lately. And will tell me I'm being stupid and sensitive about it, so I want a consensus really. Lots of little things that she says just make me feel undermined and almost like she likes me to fail.

I am growing my eyebrows back. I said I was so that she didn't comment on how crap they look. She said that it wont suit me because it doesn't suit her. I am not talking a full brow here, I just want the gaps filled in!

We were going out at the weekend so I said I was off to have a bath. She said oh good, are you going to wash your hair then? I said yes, but I don't ask you if you are going to wash your bum so piss off. She knew she had upset me but said I was overreacting.

Today we are going to the dentist which I am absolutely petrified of. I know I have to have about 4 fillings. I said to her that I was afraid but I knew I had to have them done. She shouted at me that it was ridiculous and I would have no teeth left if I don't have the fillings. I KNOW MUM! I already said I would have to bite the bullet and have them done! Jeez!

AIBU or is she a bloody nag?

but good luck and well done for going to the dentist :)

How old are you OP?

I ask my DD if she is going to wash her hair when she has a bath, as she doesn't always wash it. She does if it needs to be washed but sometimes she needs me to point it out

With the dentist thing, I am afraid to say I might have responded the same way as your mum, though I am trying to chill out a bit these days, as my daughter would say something like she was afraid but she knew it had to be done, but then try to look for excuses and justifications to avoid having the fillings done, so I would assume and head her off with the kind of response your mum had

Errrm....you do sound unreasonable to me sorry.

If you're this irritated by her, why do you bother spending time with her?

I have only needed one filling before so my teeth were generally very good until I got pregnant. I go regularly, I'm actually complimented on my teeth.

As for the hair, I wash it everyday so I had no idea what she was on about, it just seemed like a needless dig.

I'm 31!

Actually your responses to her seem a bit tbh.

What she said about the fillings was correct, if you didn't want her opinion why bring it up? Just go to the dentist. I doubt anything she could have said would be right.

'Are you going to wash your hair?' doesn't really warrant the response you gave her.

I wouldn't dare speak to my mother like that

I think it sounds like she needs to let go a bit actually. Why even ask if you were going to wash your hair if you do it every day anyway? And if you were feeling a bit upset about having the fillings but had accepted you were going to have them, for her to push the point further seems pointless and might be more upsetting. I don't know how scared you are but more pushing could even make someone back out.

Eyebrow thing sounds like she should have kept her mouth shut and let you decide.

Hair just sounds like making conversation.

Fillings sounds like she's being a bit of a fussy/worried mother. You haven't been known to rush shrieking out of the dentist when he starts the work? (as one young man I saw do once! He lept into his car still shrieking and left hurriedly. Bemused dentist appeared shortly after.)

These fillings have only occurred in the last year, so I'm not a serial filling dodger! I'm not that afraid DeWe, no! She didn't even wait for me to finish what I was saying.

She is always making comments about my hair like, did you brush it today? and other things. I don't straighten it any more because I don't get time, so its not going to look as non frizzy as before. I often feel like its just the easiest thing for her to pick on.

She sounds exactly like my mum who irritates me just as much as your mum seems to irritate you, so you have my sympathies OP!

Having said that I don't know who is BU in this situation - is it you and me or is it them? I find it extremely difficult to cope with. I try to do the old "nod, smile, ignore" routine but eventually she riles me yet again... I wish I could be more patient

I could have kicked myself after, thinking why on earth did I even discuss it with her. She's the same if I go to the doctor and often tries to come in to the consultation with me.

I suppose I've seen here that perhaps it is me! Maybe I am BU! Something to consider!

She's the same if I go to the doctor and often tries to come in to the consultation with me

And you're 31? That's very surprising, to put it mildly. I don't know of any adult whose parent would even think to come into a doctor's appointment with them, absent SN or some similar issue. It sounds as though she doesn't treat you as an adult. Problem is, when this gets annoying you can find yourself reacting like a teenager (I speak from experience) which leaves you looking even less adult to your parent.

By all means put your foot down, calmly, about things like trying to attend doctor's appointments, but can you let all the hair digs and other minor stuff go? Tell her you'd prefer if she didn't comment on your hair etc, then just leave it, so if she does comment ignore and don't answer. Ultimately if she's going to be nosey and intrusive you have to make sure you don't tell her about things.

Do you live with her? If not, why does she even know about this stuff? You need to stop these type of discussion, just talk abut inconsequential stuff instead.

YANBU to be annoyed, but my mum still checks if I've done my teeth when I stay there, and have I been to the loo before we leave the house - aaaargh! She seems to think I'm 12.

Only way to avoid this kind of crap is not to speak to them at all, and seeing as that's not really a necessary option, you just have to learn how to not react like a 12yo when they treat you like one. It's bloody hard work, and I still hear myself doing it too, but it's the only way to stay sane!

I think she knows to much about your life, is there a reason for this ? I would cut back on the info you give her to be honest

I would limit time with her - sounds like you could both benefit from a bit of distance.

Do you live with your mum? You both seem trapped in a young teenage patter tbh.

Haha - this is how things go with my mum at times and exactly the reason we can't ever live together again! She will stand next to me in the kitchen (my kitchen, as we are preparing for a family outing I am organising) and say, "Are you in the car yet?". She will reorganise my things without having been asked. She will suggest extra things to add to a meal I am already making and have chosen to be balanced and tasty, and then be put out when I say I already planned something else instead. She will tell me it's silly to feel something when I've just that moment said, "I know it's silly but...".

We drive each other round the bend. We always will. We totally respect and love each other but fall back into teenage power struggles when we are together - she can't break her habits and I'm fighting against mine. You are unreasonable if you expect much to change here. We're eventually getting beyond the criticism for feelings comments. But it has taken years. It'll take decades for her to get out of the habit of treating me like a child. It is just a habit. Insanely irritating but it doesn't mean that much in the end. Distance is the only thing that helps!