AIBU to think that SheIBU?

[TortoiseshellCat]

Sorry this is so long but it's complicated and I want honest opinions please!

DP and his ex-wife have a child together. They divorced when she was 2, and she is now 9. Everything has been extremely bitter and horrid and there remains much hostility and rudeness on the part of his ex.

I was nothing to do with the break up, I didn?t even know him at the time. I get on very well with his DD, she?s a lovely girl.

DP has always paid maintenance, and has tried to see DD as much as possible. In recent years this has been difficult as his work has taken him abroad, but he has written and skyped and phoned (contact is not encouraged from his DDs side).

When DP and his ex divorced, she moved 100 miles away from where they had lived together to be closer to her family. He understood this and went down every other weekend to see DD. Contact was always on the ex wife?s terms and he always picked DD up at the door.

DD has had issues with staying overnight anywhere other than with her mother. So for several years he travelled up and down 100 miles in either direction, every other weekend.

Then we met, and I lived further away still. His job was transferred to near where I lived and worked, and two years later we are about to get married.
We now live 280 miles, 5.5 hours drive, away from his DD. His ex is still insistent that we pick DD up from the door, she won?t even bring her half an hour away to save us an hour?s drive. We are not allowed to have her overnight ? DD has only just had her first successful overnight stay with a friend ? and DD suffers terribly with anxiety, so we do not want to make this worse for her.

But this situation cannot continue. DD is now 9, she?s not a baby anymore, surely there has to be some give and take? Or are we going to have to pick her up from their front door every time? We have to have her back by 5pm on days we do have her, so by the time we have driven there (leaving at 5am) we only see her from 10.30am-5pm, and then on Sunday from 9am to 2pm (giving us time to drive home again).

Would there be any point in us pushing for a more equitable drop off and more access? We?re not even asking for halfway ? just half an hour would be massively appreciated. He?s never had her for Christmas or a holiday or anything, any requests are just met by a flat no.

AIBU to think we?re going to have to go back to court or should we be grateful for what we have? What would the court say?

Thanks Martha

In the past the jumping through hoops has occurred - DP is definite that it won't happen this time. Thank you for all your advice Moon

Cafcass talk to the child and get their true viewpoint. They will help DSD find a solution to her wanting to please everybody and will give her confidence in her decisions.

Not sure whether you can use them as mediation (without involving court) or whether the court needs to order them to be consulted to help them make a decision re the contact order.

From a friends experience of CAFCASS, they were great and their sole purpose is to listen to the child and help find a solution that is in the childs best interests. They are impartial and the court takes into account their recommendations.

I think what you and your DP are doing in making sure he has regular contact is great, but I do find it hard to understand why a caring father would get himself into a situation where he lives 280 miles away from his DD.

I know there are lots of circumstances that have conspired together to create that situation, but do feel that his ultimate aim should be to have both his families living closer together. I know there will be a million reasons why this is difficult, but where there is a will...

As others have said, if things stay like this, when you have your own children the situation will become even harder and ultimately he will end up spending less time with his DD. Which is what you will want him to do. Even though you can't believe that will be the case now, you will want him (and everyone else) to put your child first when/if it arrives, that's only natural. You will not want to spend whole weekends driving to see his DD and you won't want him to do it either.

I think we have to involve the courts to get a CAFCASS analysis Shew, tbh that's what we think we need, an independent review.

There is a will, 02B, we're trying our best, but his work sent him overseas and saying no would have resulted in redunancy - which would not have been a good thing for either him or DD! I would happily move much closer, but without a job I wouldn't be able to pay the mortgage.

But that won't solve the overall issue of her having to be picked up from the doorstep - even if we lived an hour away this would still be expecting under the current situation.

Of course tortiseshell, I acknowledged all that, but it can't be impossible. It might be impossible to go tomorrow, but it can't be impossible to have that as your medium term plan.