to make my son change school?

[loopyluna]

DS, 12, is in his second year of seniors. He chose to go to an international school that is a 30 min drive away and we supported his decision as it seemed like a really great opportunity for him to keep up both his languages.

However, 2 years in, the workload is immense, the transport is tiring and DS has turned into a lazy pre-teen who is putting in zero effort. He's been playing up something rotten for months -back chatting at home, insolent at school, "forgetting" his homework, messing around in class... I'm not at all happy with the school set-up, the discipline or his peer group.

Now, DD1 is due to start seniors in September and doesn't want to go to the international school as she has no friends going there (and I guess she's picked up on a certain amount of negativity from DH and I regarding the place!) She's going to a small, friendly private school nearby (5 minute drive/ bus ride) and I have enrolled DS too.

DS is furious but I have given him so many chances to pull his socks up and he hasn't improved at all. His marks are going downhill rapidly and his attitude stinks.

So, is it really unreasonable of me to make the decision, as a parent, to send him to a smaller, stricter, more reliable school in the hope that the change of scene and lighter workload will help DS get his act together?

YANBU he's had plenty of chances to get his act together. Now is a good time to move before he gets too much into exam time.

If you warned him this would be the case if he didn't start to pull his weight then yes, it is your decision to make and be consistent.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but I wouldn't have just gone and done it. I would have talked it through with DS first and perhaps given him a term or two warning that this is where things would be heading unless he knuckled down or perhaps talked about the pros and cons of moving him (shorter journey time etc). I'm discovering with a teenager myself that doing things in a high handed manner rarely gets you anywhere as they might rebel - negotiation is the way forward in my view (maybe you've done this anyway, sorry if I'm getting the wrong end of the stick).

I think it sounds like the right choice to make him move to the smaller, stricter school.
It doesn't sound like he is getting on that well at the other school if his marks are going down and he isn't putting in the effort.

It is a really hard decision to change your childs school, but once you have made the decision, stick with it. Only point out the positive points of moving school like the closeness to home/less time travelling, more local friends/spend time with them at the weekend.

I moved my DC's school when they were 7 and 10. It was the hardest decision I've had to make but it was most definitely the right choice. They are much happier now and are doing really well. DD has since moved on to secondary school and had friends from primary moving up with her.
DS is much happier and doing so well.

After an initial difficult 2 weeks, we never looked back or doubted if we made the right choice. The tears and tantrums were difficult to deal with but by remaining positive, DC realised it was a good thing to move schools.

Good luck with your DS.

YANBU. The only thing I'd be doing which is different to you is telling him that I'm considering whether it's worth me going to the expense of independent school at all given that I'm already paying an arm and a leg for his current education for what appears to be no good reason. Then I'd absent-mindedly leave out on the kitchen surface the prospectus for the shittiest, largest state comprehensive with the worst reputation in the county.

As a secondary teacher, I'd make the point that firstly the child maybe didn't know that there would be a consequence to his behaviour and may feel a little hard done by because he wasn't warned that this could happen. He may also be feeling that he's failed in some way because he couldn't/wouldn't make things work at the international school but, being a teenage boy, he probably can't express that to you.

Please don't take this as criticism- I'd have done the same as you, just trying to help you get into his head to find out how he may be feeling about this...

YANBU, you are his parent, it's your call.

But I think you need to be careful how you present it to him "you haven't worked hard enough, so you have to go to a new school" could end up with him doing zero work and really playing up just to get back at you. Point out to him the lighter work load.

And don't expect him to turn into an angel over night just because he's at a different school. Yo're playing the long game here.

I don't think YABU to change his school but you could have handled it better by talking through the advantages of the new school and giving him time to get used to the idea rather than presenting it to him as a done deal.

We started discussing the idea in December and applied to the school for both DC in Feb. I think I made it plain to DS throughout this time that I would much rather he stayed in his current school but he would have to start working harder and behaving better. So, I didn't really do this without fair warning...

I think I came to a point where I had to stop dithering (and I had to pay a deposit to the new school and give notice to the old school.)

As he spends a huge amount of time criticising his teachers, I'm playing the "yes you're right, that sounds terrible, that's why we we're sending you to X school so you will no longer have such terrible teachers..." card!

I don't think he'll ever turn into an angel though...

What is likely to happen if he's disruptive and lazy at his new, private school?
If he gets expelled, do you have a alternative plan?

He may also be worrying about how he's going to ex

I've no idea why you allowed a child to make the decision as to where they were educated in the first place tbh...

Oops...pressed post too early.

How he's going to explain it to his friends. That won't be easy and I think you need to be prepared for him to totally blame you rather than taking responsibility himself.

Plus...he may be a bit sniffy if you didn't make the consequence 100% clear, i.e. you will be sent to x school at y time if you don't sort things out by doing z. Sometimes boys of that age need things spelt out to them...

FallenCaryatid: I sincerely hope he won't get himself expelled! He was angelic at his interview with the headmaster. I have worried about this though and if he was chucked out or genuinely really unhappy at the new school, the final solution is the catchment area comp. I would hate for him to have to change to a third school so I really hope it won't come to that.

I think his behaviour is 50% pre-teen "angst" and 50% to do with the fact that his school day is 8.30-5.30 plus a long bus ride there and back. I can understand why he doesn't feel like doing an hours hwk when he gets in! Hopefully a shorter day will give him time to play out/ chill after school and put him in a better mindset for doing his hwk after...

Yes, once the pressure's lifted he will probably turn into a different boy and in the long term he'll appreciate the fact that you did what was right for him, despite the fact he disagreed at the time.

I think he sounds like he's worried but doesn't know how to put it into words. He can't even begin to consider the advantages but hopefully he will once he realises how much pressure this move takes off him.

Will be difficult to start with, but I think you're doing the right thing.