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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think exP is just a moron...

18 replies

MummySunshine · 12/05/2012 18:04

DS is 7 weeks old. Me and exP had been together for a very short time when I fell pregnant very unexpectedly, he was not happy, left me and quickly found a new girlfriend and pretty much ignored me for my whole pregnancy, but still demanded he be at the birth.

Since having our son I've welcomed his family into my home who seem to never know when to leave , bent over backwards to give him time with our son, even let his new girlfriend into my house to see the baby (which I won't be doing again since she said nothing and didn't even look at my son). I always involve him with decisions, update him on DS's progress and send him pictures. He visited every few days in the beginning for short periods of time, but now has reduced to once a week at very most for about 15 minutes.

As he visits so infrequently and briefly, he's never changed a nappy, dealt with DS when he's been crying, got him to sleep, prepared bottles etc but has tried to pressure me into letting him take son overnight on his own. I've suggested he spends more time with DS first to get us all used to it, and have been told it's 'not appropriate'.

Would like to clarify I in no way wish he would get back with me, this is not any form of attempt to cling onto him using my son. I just wish he'd make more of a bloody effort instead of thinking our baby is a toy to take out and show your friends?!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 12/05/2012 18:06

Hmmm I'd be suggesting that go through mediation and ultimately take you to court if he's not interested in learning how to bond and looking after his son before having him overnight!!

How is his mum with baby, would you feel happy with her looking after him overnight?

TheProvincialLady · 12/05/2012 18:16

Let him take you to court. I wouldn't hand my tiny baby over to such a loser dad, nor his mother (nothing against MILs - I wouldn't have handed either of my babies to my own mother for the night).

FeedingTheBirds · 12/05/2012 18:25

There is no way on earth I would be handing over a tiny baby to such a useless plank.

LaurieFairyCake · 12/05/2012 18:28

Yabu

He's not just a moron. He's also a useless turd arse too Grin

Just say no, he has to agree to spending gradually more time with him - use breast feeding as an excuse even if you're not.

tallwivglasses · 12/05/2012 18:28

7 weeks? Not even at 7 months! Shock

splashymcsplash · 12/05/2012 18:35

7 week old babies should not be separated from their mums!

I was in a very similar situation to you, but I never really found a solution so don't know what to suggest. I hope you are getting help from your family/friends op.

Greatdomestic · 12/05/2012 18:41

He's kidding right?

Unless he has real experience in dealing with tiny babies other than with your son, then it's an absolute NO.

Don't be manipulated and stand your ground. He shows you he can look after him and then it's a possible. Where will he be taking your son to stay? Is it a safe environment for a baby?

He's a baby, not a toy.

Good luck, sounds as though you'll need it.

IAmBooyhoo · 12/05/2012 18:44

wow, this is almost identical to how it was when i had ds1 execpt exp didn't have a girlfriend.

for teh first week he visited every night for about an hour, then once a week til he was 7 week. i ran round the country bringing my newborn baby and leaky boobs all over the place so his family didn't have to shift off their sofas to see teh baby. he didn't attend any of these visits even though it was him who told me they all wanted to see teh baby.on teh last visit he asked if he could have him to sleep overnight (i was bfing) and i said no so he didn't see him again til he was 19 weeks and he wnet through court to get it instead of coming to me and asking rationally like a normal person.

GoPoldark · 12/05/2012 21:02

Tell him to go fuck himself :)

And take you to court if he fancies it.

I can't believe you let him be at the birth, btw!!

No way will he have a leg to stand on re having contact overnight, not until he's pulled his finger out and actually learned how to parent, and got to know your son.

He's unlikely to do any of it, by the look of it, so don't cause your son anxiety by even entertaining the idea of him having the baby without you, even for an hour or so.

It's called parental responsibility, not parental rights. Maybe explain that to him (veeery slowly, in words of one syllable, in gentle tones used for men who have exactly the same number of brain cells as they do dicks)

MarySA · 12/05/2012 21:24

I'm all for Dads playing a part and not being pushed out. However, it seems you have absolutely bent over backwards to include him and he is not being a lot of help at all. I certainly wouldn't let him have the baby overnight at such a young age. Good luck!

kittycatwoman · 12/05/2012 21:28

He looks like an utter and absolute prick who just sees woman as objects to shag and make babies and then move on to another. Get him out of your life straight away and tell him to fuck himself.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 12/05/2012 21:33

No way. Not in a million years. Well, not until baby is muc, much older and your useless wanker of an ex starts to show an actual interest in his son.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 12/05/2012 21:36

Sounds like you are doing everything you should be doing. I think you're absolutely correct to refuse him overnight stays at this point.

Was he present at the birth btw?

corlan · 12/05/2012 22:44

The man is a complete fucktard and you my dear are a complete saint.

( I would have turned into Linda Blair from the Exorcist at the words 'not appropriate'!)

Sparks1 · 12/05/2012 22:57

He looks like an utter and absolute prick who just sees woman as objects to shag and make babies and then move on to another. Get him out of your life straight away and tell him to fuck himself.

Yes, because that's in the child's best interests isn't it..... FFS

You're right in your stance OP. He needs to show more commitment ( And practical ability) before being allowed to have your son on his own.

He's a stark choice, he either commits or he doesn't. And men who don't, generally won't be bothered going through court anyway.

The whole situation sounds very sad.

MsVestibule · 12/05/2012 23:19

Over my dead body would I have have let anybody look after my baby overnight at such a young age. (I first left DD1 with my mum when she was 7 months old, and even then I left her a list of instructions, full side of A4, typed!)

What does he think is "inappropriate" about spending more time with his son first? If he's worried you're going to try to seduce him, perhaps he could bring a chaperone with him Hmm.

Tryharder · 12/05/2012 23:27

Ok. He's not a total arsehole because at least he is seeing the baby and he may well shape up more as the baby gets older.

The overnight thing is silly. I suspect that this idea has come from the girlfriend who clearly does not want you, him and baby to spend time together as a family unit. Who can blame her really?

I wouldn't argue or make suggestions. Tell him baby is too young- it will be reviewed in a year's time.

madmouse · 12/05/2012 23:27

You are right OP stick to your guns.

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