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To expect a hug as I really need it

16 replies

4boysthatilove · 11/05/2012 22:33

My dad is 82, has dementia and been in a nursing home since November last year. For 2 weeks he has been steadily deteriorating with a chest infection and is now very very unwell and I believe close to passing away. I went to visit him today, its an hours drive from home and with 2 little ones to organise, work etc, I can't go as much as I would like to, so manage to see him about once a week.

Feeling very emotional and tearful, my 18 year old son came with me along with his 13 year old brother (I have a 4yo and 3yo but didn't feel it was right to take them). As I don't see my oldest boy very often it was a doubly emotional occasion.

Have come home absolutely wrung out, very drained, (had a tooth out this morning so that hasn't helped), we are moving house in one week's time, and as DH works 6 days a week the packing up is down to me.

I am now packing boxes with tears streaming down my face, DH asked briefly how my dad was but made no comment after I told him, instead he's being nitpicking about "do I really need to take xx item with me" etc, as he sees me packing bits - he then gets all huffy when perhaps I am a little short with him in my reply.

Could do with a hug - why are men so thick at these things??

OP posts:
ragingmull · 11/05/2012 22:35

Sorry you are having a shit time. Can you ask your husband to give you a hug and explain that you are feeling a bit low?

madmouse · 11/05/2012 22:35

Have one from me Smile

sorry about your dad Sad

Are you being moved by a company? If so I really recommend getting them to pack. This is not doable with your dad dying.

AllYoursBabooshka · 11/05/2012 22:37

Sorry you're having such a rough time.

gaunyerseljeannie · 11/05/2012 22:38

{{{{hugs}}}}
they are thick, and just not good at it, but it doesn't mean they don't care. He is probably upset about your dad too but thinking he better be 'the strong one" and in doing so is being a bit crabbit insensitive to your needs

AgentZigzag · 11/05/2012 22:39

You need to spell out to him how much you're struggling.

I know you want him to notice and react, but he must have mistaken your attempt to tell him as you being short with him.

Please go and tell him now, you've both got so much going on it's a wonder you've not cracked before now.

gafhyb · 11/05/2012 22:41

You poor love.

sleepsforwimps2010 · 11/05/2012 23:12

men aren't always good at this stuff...
my dp is rubbish at reading what I think are obvious signs....
last time he missed it I text him.....'need hug feeling sad' he was in like a shot, worth a try?

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 11/05/2012 23:17

Big hugs xxx

4boysthatilove · 11/05/2012 23:39

Thank you, you are all really kind and I am touched. He's come and found me and we have had a hug which has made me cry all the more, fool that I am.

Madmouse - had removers do the whole pack thing when we moved here 7 months ago, we are renting while our new house is being renovated, but having gone a bit over budget on the work (oops) corners are having to be cut now and money saved, while they are still moving us, we are having to pack.

OP posts:
GingerBlondecat · 12/05/2012 11:51

((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))) from me to You

marriedinwhite · 12/05/2012 12:05

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))

Sor sorry. DH's have to learn about emotion - they pick it up eventually but it tends not to come naturally. Glad you've had a rl hug as well as virtual ones now.

HecateTrivia · 12/05/2012 12:13

My husband didn't spontaneously do hugs. He just doesn't see why they're needed. They don't solve the problem, iyswim.

So I've had to educate him on the matter! No, a hug won't put money in the bank, no it won't bring back that loved one, no, it won't stop that leak in the roof, but it DOES help emotionally and you don't give a hug instead of doing the practical stuff. It's not either or, but it is needed sometimes.

Now he understands that he needs to give me a hug and then we can tackle the practical stuff. It's something that he's had to learn and it totally baffles him still, but at least now he understands that he needs to do it because it makes me feel better, even if he doesn't really understand why it makes me feel better.

I think that your husband needs to get to that point. I'm glad he gave you a hug in the end, he just needs to learn that it is needed. He can learn that. He obviously cares because he came looking for you.

I think that sometimes, they focus on solving the problem and miss the good that a big hug can do.

4boysthatilove · 14/05/2012 10:34

Thanks everyone for your messages, just to update my dad passed away last night :(

OP posts:
eosmum · 14/05/2012 10:37

Really very sorry for your loss, lots of HUGS.

gaunyerseljeannie · 14/05/2012 10:39

{{{{{{ hugs}}}}}}}
look after yourself, so sorry

CHST · 14/05/2012 12:19

(((((((HUGS))))))) I am so sorry about your dad. I am close to losing someone too so know how you feel. Take care of yourself x

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