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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Think My Special Needs SIL Is Too Affectionate With My Sons.

24 replies

Eliza7 · 10/05/2012 13:40

I was wondering how to go about a really tricky situation. My SIL has Downs and has become very affectionate with my 3 sons who are 13 , 11 and 9. She isn't particularly affectionate with anyone else and isn't doing anything sexual per se...but will sit on them shrieking loudly and try to kiss their faces or give them big bear hugs. They will try to push her away or tell her to get off , but she does take some telling. She has tried in the past to give them wedgies, which she has stopped after DH told her too , but it's always done when adults are not present and just to the boys. My youngest son also says he can't breathe sometimes when she is squashing him , which I'm worried about...She is obese, so is heavy.

My DH has spoken to her about it, and it stopped for a while, but my MIL is very defensive if you mention anything derogatory , so I don't think he has spoken to her. They go round when I'm at work, so I don't see for myself what is happening. I do ask DH to check , but sometimes he is fixing his mothers shed etc and isn't around every second. I don't know if it is innocent, but my boys have to come first and the youngest one is saying he doesn't want to go round there any more.

I don't really know what to do ?

OP posts:

Pagwatch · 10/05/2012 13:44

You could post it somewhere more appropriately which might make the responses a bit more sensible. It is not a great topic for the cut and thrust of AIBU.

I am not sure what you want to hear. Your DS should put up with any attention or contact that they don't want. You and your DH need to explain that to them and your MIL preferably all at the same time.

Pagwatch · 10/05/2012 13:45

Should not put up with...

IAmBooyhoo · 10/05/2012 13:45

i think you might get some helpful response if you reposted in the special needs topic as others may have more experience dealing with people who have downs syndrome.

it's upsetting for your ds's so i'm not surprised tehy dont want to go there. if your dh has spoken to her but nothing is changing, i'm not sure what you can do if MIL isn't supportive except not take the boys there.
i'm not sure what you mean by you dont know if it's innocent? it sounds like she just enjoys playing with them and getting a reaction/poking fun by giving them wedgies.

Snowboarder · 10/05/2012 13:47

Pag is right - you're best off having this thread moved if you're looking for sensible responses. AIBU isn't always the most useful or forgiving of topics.

Hope you find a solution OP

boredandrestless · 10/05/2012 13:52

You need this moved to SNs so you get some actual advice on this issue.

Your SIL who has special needs, needs guidance and boundaries.

Your DS who is uncomfortable should be supported either by not having to go, or by staying in his dad's company until the matter is resolved. The behaviour to me sounds fairly child-like, but obv as you say it is not ideal for a large heavy grown woman to be sitting on your dcs.

Does SIL get to mix outside the home or is her only source of interaction with her relatives?

Birdsgottafly · 10/05/2012 13:55

Please move this.

The solution to this is individual, depending on your sisters, understanding, ability to retain information, if she has a key worker, or your MIL is her only carer.

You need it moved and give other details.

ImBetterThanYou · 10/05/2012 13:58

I agree with others about moving it, threads about those with special needs more often than not end in a bun fight and some pretty nasty comments and views are put across. You'll also get some great advice over on the special needs board. :) good luck.

Lilicat1013 · 10/05/2012 14:02

I think the best idea is to speak to you sons and ask why kind of physical contact they would be happy with having (if any).

Speak to you husband and your MIL about it to get everyone on board, then finally speak to your SIL and explain that the boys are growing up and they are getting a bit old for kisses/bear hugs/being sat on but they like being friendly and affectionate with normal hugs/high fives/hand shakes or what ever your boys prefer.

If everyone in the family keeps reinforcing the new rules hopefully that should work out. You could even do something like a elaborate hand shake or high five that is something special between your SIL and the boys.

Do the boys play fight physically with each other? That might be the reason she is physical with them and no one else. She sees them interact like that and have fun in that way and wants to join in.

What ever you do you will need your MIL on board to help reinforce the changes you make so you will need to approach the situation gently. Try and suggest it is more of an issue with the boys becoming teenagers and getting shy about hugging and kissing relatives to avoid her thinking that you are accusing her daughter of doing something wrong.

Good luck

ErikNorseman · 10/05/2012 15:21

She is a person with special needs
Not a special needs person
Just saying

HecateTrivia · 10/05/2012 16:55

If someone is doing something to someone else that that person doesn't want them to do - they should stop it.

It doesn't matter that your SIL has special needs. That doesn't give someone the right to do what they like to other people.

It does, however, mean that she may require support to understand that it is inappropriate and to be guided away from such behaviours.

If her mum isn't prepared to help her, then that's a real shame and it's doing her no favours.

I suggest that your children stay with their dad and if that means being outside with him while he's fixing the shed, then so be it.

My children have additional needs. (autism). It does not mean that they get to treat people how they like and I expect people to put up with it . It means I have to help my children to understand that other people have the right to say that they don't want to have certain things done to them. You are not doing the right thing as a parent by saying that someone who has additional needs should be allowed to behave however they like.

Your mil is really being unfair to your sil by not supporting her to behave appropriately.

kilmuir · 10/05/2012 16:58

great post hecate

GingerBlondecat · 10/05/2012 17:56

At the risk of geting flamed..............

I don't want this thread to go out of mainstream MN.

It feels of hiding' it away. I know it isn't meant that way, but that is how I feel.

GingerBlondecat · 10/05/2012 17:59

Perhaps OP could post a duplicate of this on the site the others have mentioned and also have this one here.

Pagwatch · 10/05/2012 18:35

I am not sure why you thought that would get a flaming Gingerblondecat.

I think SN is a good place to get responses but I see what you mean about it being on the main board. I just think it is not great in aibu. Maybe wwyd or relationship?

Having said that the responses have all been very polite so maybe aibu is getting better?

GingerBlondecat · 10/05/2012 18:41

I was thinking of the recent threads Ive read. And since I'm not a regular here and I'm Autralian I'm not sure about how the MN really operates.

Some of the lingo alone makes me look at it twice

GingerBlondecat · 10/05/2012 18:44

There's a wwyd thread ? I haven't seen that yet. (waddles off to look ) :)

Original poster

Eliza7 · 10/05/2012 19:57

Thanks for all your comments, sorry I've not been on earlier, have just got in from work . Firstly I do agree that my SIL has special needs rather then a special needs person..just trying to keep the thread title short .Sorry.

Secondly, I posted on here, because I wanted to be sure it wasn't me being a bit funny about it all and as it's a sensitive subject I did hope that the replies would be kind and polite.Thank you.

She doesn't have a really hands on key worker as far as I know, she's very independent and my MIL doesn't like any interference , that's why it's hard to say anything as she thinks it's because we don't understand her and is very defensive. I just don't want my boys to dread going over there and as someone pointed out it's unfair on my SIL to think that it's ok to constantly stroke their faces and kiss them .However at least it is teaching them compassion and understanding which isn't a bad thing. My DH has promised to speak to his mum and sister together to say the boys just feel their personal space is being invaded , so hopefully it will all be sorted ! Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

Ilovedaintynuts · 10/05/2012 20:28

I will give advice from a different perspective. I grew up with an uncle with Down's Syndrome. He was/is very similar - extremely over affectionate, kissing on the mouth, tickling you etc.

My parents and extended family took the view that we should 'suck it up'. We should accept his differences and I as a young girl and later a woman was expected to cope to a certain level with his behaviour. I felt very uncomfortable at times.

But, do you know what? It taught me tolerance. It taught me that sometimes its not just about ME and how I feel, it's about other people. He got so much pleasure from being tactile that allowing it, benefited him more than it adversely affected me.

As long as the behaviour isn't painful or sexual and comes from a place of innocence, I wouldn't worry to much. You may be teaching your boys an important lesson about tolerance.

CrumpettyTree · 10/05/2012 21:34

It's good that your SIL stopped doing the wedgies after your dh spoke to her. It shows that that does work. Wedgies can actually be unsafe when performed on a boy as there have been cases where it has damaged the genitals. (Hate that word.) As it worked last time I would get your dh to ask that she stops the squashing as the boys don't like it/can't breath. There is nothing for your MIL to be offended by if your dh asks politely but firmly.

2old2beamum · 10/05/2012 21:47

My DS has Downs 32yrs lovely man but we realised he was overly affectionate at 7 years so we clamped down hard for his sake for the future and we taught him to shake hands with males and to shake hands with ladies and kiss their hands they were besotted. He still does this and still loves small children and acts appropriately.
Eliza I do know where you are coming from.

Triggles · 10/05/2012 21:53

sensitive subject? kind and polite replies? You're new to AIBU then?

BuntyPenfold · 10/05/2012 21:59

Your SIL needs support, and possibly frequent reminders, to understand that her behaviour is inappropriate. It is doing her no favours to let her become unpopular, just because she hasn't realised for herself, which she isn't able to do.

2shoes · 10/05/2012 22:14

wow what a forst post on mn

Peachy · 10/05/2012 22:15

Isn;t it simple really?

As Mother to someone who has SN and can't judge the way he behaves, we never leave him alone with 9well in his case anyone else at all but in your case it would be kids)

Doesn't have to be nasty- or even voiced- and if she still does it you can then look for clues as to what it is in a situation that causes her social boundaries to lower, and maybe how to address them.

DS3 (not the one above) has Sn that elads him to have a lack of boundaries and a very exhuberant personality, it is both bewitching and exasperating in turn.

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