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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Staying with Inlaws AIBU? Sorry its long...

22 replies

westcoastnortherner · 08/05/2012 21:55

So I have an ok relationship with my inlaws, we're not that close and to them.

Three years ago we emmigrated to Canada from England, they live in N Ireland, previously when we lived in England if and when they came to visit they always stayed with us (and when they visited canada too). Likewise we would always stay with them when we flew over and visited them.

We are due to go and stay with my parents in England for three weeks in the Summer, DH flys out to me and the kids on the second week, due to crap holiday entitlement, anyway we phoned his parents and asked if we could stay with them for 3 days so that they can see our dd and ds.

We have been told that because DH's Bro (has a flat close by with his dp) and sister (both are nearly 30) are still living at home, we will have to stay with an Aunt.

The Aunt is nice but i'm not sure that she's going to want the 4 of us for 3 days.

I just feel hurt and snubbed by them, i mean its 3 days, and they haven't seen their grand kids for over a year.

OP posts:

Dropdeadfred · 08/05/2012 21:57

But if they haven't gott room they havent got room...?!

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 08/05/2012 21:58

How is his brother living at home and in a flat nearby?

Could you rent a holiday cottage? Would be much nicer.

Original poster

westcoastnortherner · 08/05/2012 22:01

Thanks maybe i'll look at the cottage idea Loopy, i just wonder if we could get one for 3 days though.

OP posts:

Flyonthewindscreen · 08/05/2012 22:01

Are they offended because you are spending 3 weeks with your parents and only 3 days with them? Can't believe they aren't more keen to spend as much time as possible with their DGC!

Flyonthewindscreen · 08/05/2012 22:04

If they have room for 2 adults on a permanent basis they could surely squeeze in a family of 4 and get the grown up siblings to make other arrangements for a few days if haven't seen DGC for a year?

Original poster

westcoastnortherner · 08/05/2012 22:04

I know i've really tried with them in the past, but they have their hobbies to see to, and its not like we demand they look after them for childcare for several days a week either

OP posts:

LRDtheFeministDragon · 08/05/2012 22:05

I think you're a bit unreasonable to expect them to put you up automatically.

But YANBU to feel upset on your DH's behalf that they seem to be treating his siblings differently from him. It would upset me if I was told adult children who had their own place were still 'living at home' and therefore I couldn't use their room.

Would your BIL even mind someone using his old room if he's mostly moved in with his girlfriend?

Original poster

westcoastnortherner · 08/05/2012 22:16

LRDTheFeministDragon its always like this, i feel do sorry for DH though.

Apparently they view his DB's room as his still, as he occasionally visits at weekends

OP posts:

LRDtheFeministDragon · 08/05/2012 22:22

That's rotten. My parents do this with my big brother - first time I took DH home we shared my childhood single bed for a week, for the same reason.

I dunno what you can do though - any comment is likely to come across as getting between your DH and his family, I think.

If it was me I'd definitely not want to stay with the aunt, I'd rent somewhere if I possibly could.

talkingnonsense · 08/05/2012 22:28

You could get a cheap travelodge/ premier inn and see if they feel guilty?

duckdodgers · 08/05/2012 22:32

I think the same as Kamer, that they are maybe a bit hurt that you have only decided to spend 3 days with them but 3 weeks with your own parents.

LoopyLoopsTootTootToots · 08/05/2012 22:33

3 nights is standard for self-catering cottages AFAIK.

Iteotwawki · 08/05/2012 23:49

Have they moved? Where did you sleep before when you stayed with them? Presumably your DH's siblings were still living at home then, so something must have changed.

Not related to your OP but if one of my sons moved 10h flight away, came back for 3 weeks but could only see me for 3 days of that I'd be really upset.

knowitallstrikesagain · 08/05/2012 23:54

If DB is not in his flat, can you use it?

ZacharyQuack · 09/05/2012 00:13

Can your DH contact his brother directly and ask if you can borrow the room for a couple of nights?

choux · 09/05/2012 00:21

Are your kids well behaved? How old are they and how old are the inlaws? Is it possible they are staring to find the kids too much when they are around day in day out?

iscream · 09/05/2012 03:07

Maybe your parents find it hard to get the house company ready, and it is easier this way?

Dropdeadfred · 09/05/2012 09:30

But a room belonging to his brother may well be full of belongings that can't just be emptied out to suddenly accommodate 4 people. I'm not sure if you answered the question earlier in the thread but where/how did you used to stay there??

fedupofnamechanging · 09/05/2012 10:07

If they can't be bothered to help you, then don't bother visiting them.

bamboostalks · 09/05/2012 10:11

It is unbelievably mean and horrid that they cannot accomodate you. How sad. Imagine you in 25 years time not allowing one of your children/grandchildren to stay and doing whatever you need to (not much in this case tbh) to facilitate it.

2rebecca · 09/05/2012 10:21

Agree the situation with the brother who is and isn't living with his parents sounds bizarre, but 4 people is alot to put up if you don't have room and there have been plenty of threads on here where women are encouraged to tell various relatives wanting to stay where there are no spare bedrooms that there isn't room and they should use a B&B.
I presume 3 years ago the kids were younger so staying wasn't as much of a problem.
Compared to the cost of flying from Canada I'd have thought 3 days for a b&b of holiday cottage was a relatively insignificant cost, and might make the stay in N Ireland more like a real holiday with your own space.
I think the way alot of families squish into small houses just to save a bit of money when visiting is daft.
It sounds from your post as though you haven't seen them for 3 years so the extra space might reduce tension as well.

thefurryone · 09/05/2012 10:28

Is it possible that they are just trying to be helpful? They may just think that they don't have that much room and you'll be much more comfortable staying somewhere that has space for you all to sleep.

This may not automatically mean that they don't want to see their grandchildren, surely there is still plenty of waking hours where you can go to their house, or do other things together.

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