to ask how you'd feel about DH's 'extreme' hobbies and the DCs?

[FelicityWits]

I am a catastrophiser. I try very hard not to let it impact my/our life.

DH has always enjoyed 'adventurous' stuff. For example wreck and cave diving, skydiving, bungee jumping, snowboarding etc.

I knew this when I met him obviously but since we've had our DCs I am caring more about it, especially when he says stuff like he will take them skydiving for their 18th birthdays etc.

I am fine if I am there, that's the pathetic thing. I can't scuba dive (physically can't rather than am unable to), but for example on honeymoon I snorkelled around while DH did dives. I worried less then. I worry when he goes snowboarding but I am happy with the idea of all of us learning to ski (we are moving somewhere where that is possible).

Him jumping out of planes or off cliffs attatched to elastic I just can't stand the idea of and he hasn't done it since we had the DCs (the opportunity hasn't really arisen either to be fair).

The DCs obviously think their dad is brilliant and want to do loads of this stuff because he has gone on and on about it and I really don't want to hamper their lives in any way. But I have told them they aren't allowed on motorbikes - my uncle was horribly damaged in an accident and in my line of work I do see a lot of motorcycle accidents. For now it's sort of a joke. The youngest DC is going through a 'death' phase (wanting to know what happens after, what it means etc), and says "I will be sad when you're dead but I will get a motorbike". That sort of thing.

But when DH said he was going to take them skydiving for their 18ths I had a very strong almost angry reaction. Like they should ask for that themselves, not be told it's happening. DH tried to take our eldest scuba diving and DC1 hated it and I was very angry with DH then too. Like I felt he was trying to make DC1 be 'like him'. And glamourising it. But then again scuba diving is quite glamorous isn't it and I don't have a problem with the DCs doing it at all - when they are older, and not in caves (says my gut).

I know that statistically it's more dangerous to cross a road than do any of this stuff (maybe?), but I was wondering how other people felt about this sort of thing.

How old are your DCs? Because unless they are, say 16 and 17 I think there's no point worrying about what your DH may or may not do for their 18th birthdays. He may well offer to take them skydiving, for example - but they may well say 'actually Dad, can you just put £100 quid behind the bar so me and my mates can get drunk.' Equally, by the time your DCs are able to go on a motorbike, you won't be able to stop them.

I think you are very self-aware and think you need to find a strategy that helps you let go of worrying about what people might do in the future.

My DH is very similar to this and eventually tried CBT - it has quite literally changed his life.

YANBU about the motorbikes. I hate them, they are so dangerous. The rest, I haven't got so much of a problem with, if they really wanted to do it.

well, let him say that about what he'll do when they are 18, by which point he'll be a lot older, having knackered up his body a bit and possibly not be up for that anymore. Your 'protecting' reaction will have mellowed by then too, you are looking at your babies and imagining them skydiving, when when it comes to it, they will be adults.

Take away your angry reaction and sit him down quietly, suggest that your DC will be their own man/woman and need to find their own way in the world, their own interests, he should make them feel that they have to be just like him (for instance, DH used to play rugby at international/professional level, when DS was a newborn DH refused to put him in a rugby shirt with a mini rugby ball for one of those cutey photos for family, DH's argument was that if his son wasn't sporty, that was fine by him, but he didn't want his boy feeling he'd not lived up to his dad). Say that he shoul be encouraging them to find sports/activities they enjoy, just because Dad is into diving doesn't mean they'll enjoy it.

re the snowboarding, can I point you in the direction of the number of ski holidays with childcare/children's lessons? You could have a deal DH gets the mornings to himself to do what he wants while your DCs/you are in ski schools, but has to be back for family holiday in the afternoons.

I am not a worrier by nature, so I just think those are all fun things your children will enjoy and they are lucky to have such an adventurous Dad who can introduce them to it.

IME motherhood has made me very aware of risks to my children in a way that my (non daredevil) DH is not.

I see the children doing things with him that I wouldn't have let them do (they are little, so it's stuff like going on the big slide at the park aged 2 :o ) and I've realised that his confidence in their ability to manage things thrmselves is very good for their confidence and independence.

I think you are right to see most of this problem as being one of your perception, rather than the reality of the situation.

Oh, but I agree with you about motorbikes. I hate them.