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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect family members to treat my belongings/house with respect?

27 replies

cheeseslice · 08/05/2012 13:14

Went away this weekend for one night. MIL and SIL came to stay to look after my DS. SIL has two kids and two dogs (I love the kids, tolerate the dogs).

MIL very tidy and houseproud. SIL is very untidy and is not massively houseproud. I am in the middle but like to look after things and am careful to not let things get ruined. I am very close to both of them and we all get on well.

My house was messy when I got back but I expected that with three kids, two adults and two dogs. I always let it go over my head because I think it can be tidied when they've gone. However, this weekend just made me so cross. When they were packing to leave, I noticed a round yellow mark on my cream bedroom carpet, asked MIL, she said "I'm really sorry, one of the dogs peed on the carpet, I've done my best to clean the stain". What annoyed me most was the fact the SIL didn't even mention it. I think she was hoping I wouldn't notice it. I said I was cross to MIL and she agreed it wasn't on and starting going on about how SIL was very slovenly and was pretty cross she'd been left to clean pee up. My carpet always marks if anything is used on it, even water, so I'm afraid to have another go at it and for it to look worse .

Others things include-I had a tiny bit of eye cream left (a very expensive one) and that had all gone. She used my towel plus another one in my bathroom (couldn't she have just got a fresh one). She always takes a cup of tea back to bed in the morning and has spilt tea on the stairs before-on this occassion, I saw her putting her tea cup on the wooden bedside table and had to ask her to use a coaster (her own bedside table is covered in coffee rings). Two empty coffee cups plus a glass just left in bedroom which I then brought down stairs. Utility room left with newspaper all over floor (because of dogs) and she'd rinsed out their food bowl in the sink and left lots of bits of dog food in the sink. I made a chicken dish in the slow cooker sat morning before I left and no-one had bothered to clean it out, just left it.

I can just feel the resentment simmering today but I'm wondering if I sound petty, just wanted to know what others thought.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 08/05/2012 13:17

I wouldn't have sil round again tbh.

bigjoeent · 08/05/2012 13:18

YANBU about the mess about the dogs, she should have cleaned it all up, no excuses for that.

YABU about the glasses left upstairs and the other stuff (not the coaster thing, that drives me mad, my FIL is terrible about it and it winds me up), they are guests and they were looking after your DS for the night.

imnotmymum · 08/05/2012 13:21

YANBU at all I would be so cross. I always treat other people's houses better than my own when I am a guest whether doing you a favour or not. And the dog been upstairs ! Hope it did not sleep on the bed. Totally out of order to leave you in such a mess-I feel cross for you!

Debsbear · 08/05/2012 13:21

YANBU to think they should look after your belongings, but if they have stayed before and this happened then why did you do it again? Couldn't you ask if your DS could stay with them next time? There is no way that I would ever allow anyone to stay in my home with their dogs, full stop.

knitpicker · 08/05/2012 13:22

Hi Cheeseslice, I suspect you will get little sympathy because they were doing you a favour also it sounds like a lot to keep a handle on, 3 kids, dogs etc. I do feel your pain however - my fil collects two of my kids from school on e day a week (arrangement is coming to an end soon). I always have some lunch ready and the house left spotless and I am irrationally annoyed by little things - like leaving all the dirty crockery on the worktop over the empty dishwasher. I wonder if it is just people in your space with different standards etc - my fil is lovely, he is doing us a massive favour for which I am very grateful but I have to qwell that surge of irritation when I walk into the kitchen after he has been there.
Disclaimer - he/ his dog have never peed on the carpet or done any damage ever, not so much as chipped a teacup.

squeakytoy · 08/05/2012 13:28

I would have thought it much easier to take your child to them rather than the upheaval of them all coming to you.

YANBU but it sounds inevitable that you would get home to some problems.

Original poster

cheeseslice · 08/05/2012 13:39

Thanks for the replies. Feeling the anger subside a little!

They both live 2-3 hours away hence difficult to take DS there (for this weekend). We do go to their houses and I always clean up/do dishes/strip the beds/respect their belongings.

In the past, SIL borrowed my favourites sunglasses and lost them. When we went out yesterday, it was throwing it down (when is it not??) and her DS had left my DS's cricket bat just lying in the garden, I had to get out of the car to retrieve it so it didn't get ruined. One of her dogs got hold of my DS's favourite soft toys and ripped it to bits. She just has different standards to me and is a bit more relaxed. It's just the carpet thing. I'm dreading DH seeing it, he will hit the roof and ban the dogs from coming again.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/05/2012 13:43

TBH your DH should ban the dogs coming again and if she huffs over that and refuses to come herself so much the better . Who the fuck leaves dog piss undealt with?

bigjoeent · 08/05/2012 13:47

Your SILs behaviour is awful, she may have different standards and that is fine in her home, but not in yours. Its awful that some of your DS's toys were damaged. I think not keeping the dogs under control is shocking and disrespectful.

Could you get a professional cleaner in for the carpet? It may be expensive but at least you won't be looking at the stain all the time and cursing her.

Original poster

cheeseslice · 08/05/2012 14:06

I think I'm going to tell her it upset me. We are close but I do get irritated by how sloppy she is.

She thinks there is more to life than worrying about "stuff". Her house is lovely and she has good taste but will allow the dogs on the sofas and gives them leftovers from dinner (but leaves it on a dinner plate instead of putting into their bowl) which I find disgusting.

Are dog owners just more relaxed?

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 08/05/2012 14:15

Are dog owners just more relaxed

No mine stay downstairs and are only occassionally allowed in the living room. They are fed in their kennel and their water dish is outside. They don't touch 'human' stuff, including toys.

My children only take cold drinks upstairs and i never do.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 08/05/2012 14:19

I'm not more relaxed and I love my dog but he's not allowed upstairs (is allowed on the sofa but only on his blanket!) .

I have recently had a few houseguests as you describe and it's actually made me feel quite resentful and stabby towards them! So YANBU whatsoever!!!

Original poster

cheeseslice · 08/05/2012 14:21

Totally off-topic but she gives them cornflakes for breakfast! I have queried this but she says they get their normal once a day dry food but also scraps from dinner. As soon as we have finished eating, the bigger dog starts barking because he wants his scraps. Does my head in.

OP posts:

HipHopOpotomus · 08/05/2012 14:22

You know what your SIL is like - so don't ask her to mind your child next time!

And the dog thing - well you say you do 'tolerate' them. And you admit that your carpet stains when you put water on it (sounds like a nightmare). If I had carpet that stained that badly (that I cared about) I wouldn't have animals in the house at all.

You say you did expect mess to be there when you got home (effectively you've had 4 house guests and 2 dogs) but it sounds like for you it is the "wrong kind of mess".

Next time take your DC to them, or hire a babysitter.

Pandemoniaa · 08/05/2012 14:44

It's always unforgiveable to let your dog piss on someone else's carpet. Let alone a cream one! I'd be mortified if mine did and would do my utmost to clean up the evidence. However, I can't see any occasion where I'd let him upstairs in someone else's house either. YANBU in being extremely cross about this. I'd be might annoyed about the eye cream too.

However, I think I'd be rather more relaxed about the other occurrences. Sure, it's bloody annoying when people leave washing up and use the wrong towels but I'd be inclined to weigh this up against the favour they were doing you.

simperingsally · 08/05/2012 16:16

YABabitU about the glasses and mugs, as i do tend to forget to take mine down in the morning then keep saying i'll take them later and so on and it just dosent get done.

but YADNBU about the pee on your bedroom carpet. Im always more careful in someone elses house than i am in my own . and SIL was very unreasonable in not even mentioning it.

why do both MIL and SIl need to be there for just a day ? next time i wouldn't invite sil.

VodkaJelly · 08/05/2012 16:22

My dogs are never allowed upstairs - I hate dog hair on my clothes, I even have a stair gate to stop them going up in stealth mode.

I would never let anybody let their dogs upstairs in my house and she should have cleaned the pee up, totaly disgusting

mangomadness · 08/05/2012 16:54

Try this on your carpet.... www.ozkleen.co.uk/products/carpet.php you can get it from supermarkets, wilko etc. We had an elderly basset with a very weak bladder for a little while and this got every stain out of the carpet. I have two dogs and if I ever took them to somebody else's house they most definitely wouldn't be allowed upstairs and wouldn't be allowed to mess in the house

ll31 · 08/05/2012 16:58

think you are being slightly unreasonable. You invited them knowing what sil is like/ The dog pee would annoy me but tbh when she's coming with dogs, accidents may happen... You also (sorry) sound bit unreasonable about her ds left my ds cricket bat in the garden and "I'd to get out of car" to retrieve it - don't know how old they are but they are presumably kids - who generally manage to forget stuff...

tbh if it stresses you out this much I wouldn't ask them to mind ds again - you sound slightly like you will spend half time away worrying about what state your house will be in when you get back

Original poster

cheeseslice · 08/05/2012 20:42

The glasses etc. are a minor irritation, along with leaving coffee cups all over the house, wet towels on floor etc. It's annoying but I can overlook it.

I didn't ask her to look after DS, my MIL was doing that and then SIL said she would come too. I don't mind as I am close to them and DS loves having them to stay.

It's the carpet thing that tipped me over the edge and I just found a broken slat on a set of shutters-it's things that are irrepareable (sp?) and that are left stained.

I can't not invite them again, they live too far away to just pop round for coffee.

OP posts:

Spuddybean · 08/05/2012 22:08

i think it's rude to leave someones house in a state.

However, slightly off topic, i have grown up with dogs and have friends with dogs and yes we let them on the furniture/beds (just don't see the point of having animals without getting a good furry cuddle while watching telly) we also let them lick our plates after we have finished dinner (the plates are going in the dishwasher anyway so we don't see any harm - i know people on here think it's beyond disgusting tho!).

They have never pee'd on anyones floor tho, and if they did, i would offer to pay for professional cleaning.

E320 · 08/05/2012 22:48

Wow, you are precious. What was the real damage, i.e. something that cannot be cleaned or polished away?

imnotmymum · 08/05/2012 22:50

Not precious at all I would skin my children and dog if got house in such a state!!

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/05/2012 23:59

Seriously E320, you think the OP is being precious? Her SIL's dog pissed on her bedroom carpet, SIL made no attempt to clean it up and did not even think it worth mentioning to the OP. How is being cross about that 'precious'?

PoppyWearer · 09/05/2012 00:04

I get where you're coming from, OP. My MIL came to stay recently to look after our DCs. House was tidy-ish and clean-ish on our return, but the cupboards, freezer, fridge etc were bare of food, pretty much. I mean, how much food did she need to cook?! DCs are little and won't have eaten much. All I can think is that MIL habitually cooks loads more food than needed and chucks away leftovers. So wasteful! Am annoyed because have now had to go out and replace everything, and I keep finding more things we're short of, suddenly.

But...she was doing us a favour. So I have to sit on my feelings and suck it up. Realise your SIL wasn't invited, so do understand where you're coming from.

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