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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my Mum BU about our plan to get a dog?

26 replies

FidoAndHisBone · 08/05/2012 09:17

We are planning to get a dog in August. DH took some convincing as he has never had pets but he is now in agreement although still a bit (understandably) apprehensive.

My mum doesn't like dogs and wants us to go on holiday with her in the Summer. I told her we were planning to get a dog and that DH was feeling a bit apprehensive and that I was concerned he might change his mind.

She came for dinner last night and I have just been told that while I was cooking a meal for her she was in the other room trying to convince DH and DC's it was a bad idea....

I feel a bit pissed off she did this, especially in such an underhand way, aibu or is she?

OP posts:

Jinsei · 08/05/2012 09:22

She is BU. DH and I have decided that we don't want a dog, despite dd's pleas - too much responsibility. That's our decision, and if someone else stuck their nose in and tried to change our minds, especially in the sneaky way your mum has done, I would be bloody annoyed.

TheCunningStunt · 08/05/2012 09:22

YANBU about your mums behaviour. But ensure your DH is fully committed to getting a dog too. It's a huge commitment. We have swayed for years over it and still don't have one.....

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 08/05/2012 09:22

Well, why do your mum and DH think it's a bad idea?

my2centsis · 08/05/2012 09:22

She is being unreasonable!

YANBU for bein pisses off! I would be!

She's undermining you so your DH changes his mind (altho not sure why you he gets the final say) so thy you will do what SHE wants and go on holiday!

Have you mentioned it to her?

oreocrumbs · 08/05/2012 09:27

YANBU to be annoyed at her underhand attempts.

However, IMHO anyone who can be swayed from a course of action is not fully comitted to it.

I would be making extra sure that DH is fully on board before you get a dog, because the whole house hold needs to be comitted to the animal.

She says growling while her DP lies in bed and she is about to gather 5 dogs 2 toddlers 1 neighbour and fit in a walk before work because 'someone' is tired. Ahem, as you were

ripsishere · 08/05/2012 09:30

YANBU, but I do think it sounds as if you want it more than him.
Do make sure you are both committed. I stupidly let/enabled DD to have two kittens. They are the bane of my life and my responsibility for the next 20 years I should imagine

Original poster

FidoAndHisBone · 08/05/2012 09:32

She told them we wouldn't be able to go on holiday with a dog (we never go abroad anyway, always camp in the UK) she aslso told DC's they already had a little brother (DS 3) and that they didn't need a dog too.

When I was pregnant aged 24 with DD she tried to convince me to have an abortion and got her friends to try to convince me too, when that failed she cut ties with me throughout the pregnancy, I think this incident although different brings back memories of similar manipulation!

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 08/05/2012 09:38

Hmm, I'm not sure tbh. For me this comes down to whether you think your mum should be freely able to speak her mind or not. I think perhaps she senses that this is not a done deal, that your dh is maybe not fully on board and so feels able to say what she thinks, in the hope of dissuading you. I'm not sure that this is unreasonable (my own mother thinks she knows better than me, what is good for me, so maybe I'm just used to maternal interference).

I do think that when a decision has been definitely made, it would be wrong for her to go on about it, but not wrong for her to air her opinion once on the subject.

I can see why you are annoyed about her doing it while you are out of the room - but it could have been accidental. She can't really censor her conversation just because you happen to be out of the room. I think I would judge it by whether she would have said the same things if you had been in the room. If yes, then she's just airing her views, if not, then she is being a bit manipulative.

ChickensHaveNoLips · 08/05/2012 09:38

She is BU. My MIL tried similar, as she visits 3 times a year and doesn't like dogs. Dog is currently curled up next to me on the sofa

fedupofnamechanging · 08/05/2012 09:40

X posted with you OP. I agree she was definitely out of order wrt your pregnancy. That was on another level entirely and you should not have been subjected to pressure from her.

revolutionconfirmed · 08/05/2012 09:41

YANBU. You're a grown adult. If you choose to have a dog as a family that is your decision. You don't sound like you want to go away with her this summer anyway.

I agree in regards to DH being comitted too. DP was a bit so-so but agreed to our puppy and now loves her but I think he is the exception rather than the rule. If DH isn't happy or agreeing I'd say it's a no go.

TattyDevine · 08/05/2012 09:45

YANBU, and she is BU

That said, if it were a situation like with my sister in law, who gets animals and then they always seem to end up being cared for by my MIL - the 2 cats they have were originally SIL's, and then SIL got a dog about 6 years ago which over the years has been spending more and more time at MIL's as SIL does shift work, and now it pretty much lives there too.

So if you had that kind of history, she might have a point.

But it doesn't sound at all like you do, and your further update about your pregnancy makes me think, the problem is with her!

GoPoldark · 08/05/2012 09:45

Smile and ask her if she enjoys being welcome to spend time with you and your family in your home.

When she says 'yes of course'...

...get close up and hiss at her 'Then if you want that to continue, keep your beak out of our family business and stop interfering.'

Disclaimer: nasty way of saying perfectly reasonable thing utilised in disgust at your Mum's behaviour when you were expecting. I expect she now adores the granddaughter she wanted aborted, does she?

Keep manipulators at arm's length, always.

keepthechangeyoufilthyanimal · 08/05/2012 09:46

She IBU for sticking her nose in and trying to sway your DH, but... I don't think you should be getting a dog unless you are both 100% certain about it and will both be 100% committed to it.
It sounds like your DH is not 100% yet.

GinPalace · 08/05/2012 09:46

Even if you had a dog it wouldn't stop you going on holiday if you wanted to - there are always kennels or maybe willing friends.

Cassettetapeandpencil · 08/05/2012 09:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 08/05/2012 09:51

"I told her we were planning to get a dog and that DH was feeling a bit apprehensive and that I was concerned he might change his mind. "

I don´t understand this tbh.

Sounds as if she has tried to change his mind so that you will still go away with her-that´s not on.

But your husband doesn´t sound that bothered tbh.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 08/05/2012 09:54

It's not her decision and she's interfering. If you don't like what she's saying, don't you stand up to her and tell her to butt out?

TattyDevine · 08/05/2012 09:55

GoPoldark

I nearly sheet myself reading your post!!!

IAmBooyhoo · 08/05/2012 10:02

ooh she sounds a bit like my mum and i feel your pain!

she's entitled to her opinion on whether you should have a dog. but she needs to accept that her opinion is of no consequence as to whether you actually get a dog. that's between you and your dh.

IAmBooyhoo · 08/05/2012 10:04

and she shouldn't have gone to your DH like that behind your back.

GoPoldark · 08/05/2012 11:24

Tatty - hmm yes sorry

I think it's one of those GO FOR THE THROAT DAYS here.

I'm not like that all the time, oh no :)

ddubsgirl · 08/05/2012 11:42

we go away camping and our dog comes with us,he loves it,my bil doesnt like dogs and moaned when we got ours and had ago at me on facebook as a friend of his had just got a dog too,told him to stay out of it,hes still funny with our dog even after all this time,when he 1st came over with sil & 2 dd`s it was freezing cold and snowing he wanted us to shut the puppy out in back garden :/ told him to f off.

MoaningMinnieRisesAgain · 08/05/2012 11:49

Dogs are good for going camping with, they are usually allowed on most campsites and they are a big warm hot water bottle to have in your sleeping bag.

It would be more of a PITA if you were planning a holiday where it would need kennels or a dogsitter. But I am not sure why it is any of her business.

TBH, I wouldn't have discussed it with her first, just got the dog and presented it as a done deal (much like baby names - once it's all done you look a bitch for moaning about it) esp after the way she interfered with your pregnancy

dreamingofsun · 08/05/2012 13:39

initially i thought it off that she was sticking her nose into your business. then i thought of my BIL who's just got a pet despite being in totally the wrong situation for it and then wants his mum to look after it now the inevitable has happened and i'm bit more sympathetic to your MIL (not saying you are stupid like my BIL).

dogs are great. they are hard work but the best thing ever. if you are all keen to get one go for it.

mums often try and interfere and give help/guidance. i expect we will do the same. its a habit they can't seem to get out of

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