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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be having palpitations over the thought of my wedding?

42 replies

diamondsonthesolesofhershoes · 07/05/2012 23:20

DP and I were supposed to be marrying this July but due to redundancy and money problems we have had to postpone it. We had some of it planned and had asked people to be best man/bridesmaids (including my 2 adored nieces aged 6 and 3). It is still very important to both of us to marry, no problems in the relationship or anything like that.

However, after going to my DB's wedding last weekend I'm starting to really worry about it. It was dire. I know it's horrible to say but after several outbursts by the bride and then my DB and bride leaving their own party to die at 9pm, I really resented the effort and money it had cost us to attend. (I realise I probably am being U about this part).

I'm thinking more and more of just booking flights to our favourite city in the world and getting married in the town hall with some grabbed witnesses. This would be so unfair to my lovely nieces and the rest of our family but the thought of having to please them all (especially bitches like me!) puts me off completely! I just want to marry my wonderful DP.

WIBU to just do it?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 07/05/2012 23:23

You can have a great wedding without great expense. We did. And we also left at about 10pm, and left everyone to carry on partying, which they did until the next day apparently!

marriedinwhite · 07/05/2012 23:26

If you are redundant you need to save money. The important bit is the marriage not the party. Just do it, you don't even need to fly to your favourite city in the world. You can do it at the local town hall or your local parish church with your mums, dads and closest familiy and have a jolly nice lunch afterwards.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2012 23:26

What squeaky said.

It doesn't have to be either/or...either a big wedding or elope.

You can just have a very minimalist wedding like my DH and I did.

We booked a small registry office, invited immediate family, went for a carvery and then checked into a honeymoon suite at a local hotel while everyone else went for a drink in the carvery bar.

It as absolute heaven and only cost a couple of hundred quid too.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2012 23:27

*was

sensuallettuce · 07/05/2012 23:28

No YANBU - OH and I plan to go the Gretna Green in the not too distant future - its about him and I wanting to be together until we die - no one and nothing else.

Original poster

diamondsonthesolesofhershoes · 07/05/2012 23:29

Sorry I've been really unclear In my waffleyness.

We are back on our feet now, money isn't a big problem, we just didn't have the time to pay for everything before July. We are now planning for next year.

It's more the idea of keeping people happy, who to invite, who not to invite etc etc. it makes my head spin!

OP posts:

entropygirl · 07/05/2012 23:30

You can always get married on the cheap now (not that cheap means it can't be fantastic) and then have a big party some time later when you can afford it.

I think the mega expense is what is responsible for all the stress and in the end it is responsible for a lot of shit times had by all....so avoid all that and have a great time!

It's like the big night out that's been in everyone's diaries for ages is never as much fun as the spontaneous pub crawl that people are still talking about 5 years later....

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2012 23:31

Oh bugger that!

Seriously, the marriage is way more important than one day....especially as it can really put a strain on you both.

The last thing on your mind should be keeping other people happy.

squeakytoy · 07/05/2012 23:31

I had two bridesmaids whose dresses were bought for £20 each in the sale at Monsoon, my own dress cost £30 in a wedding shop closing sale, a friend with a nice car put a ribbon on the bonnet of it, and we asked everyone to make sure they brought a camera.

We didnt have a sit down meal, we just had a really nice buffet, and I bought the cake in marks and spencers, then went to a cake decorating shop for bits to stick on it so that it looked pretty...

Our honeymoon was a week in Menorca, and the whole thing cost less than £1500.

It will be our tenth anniversary this year, and we have friends who had much more expensive weddings who were divorced before the debts were paid off.

entropygirl · 07/05/2012 23:32

Ahhh well the answer to that is not to engage!

Invite who you want to be there...but do not take responsibility for other peoples happiness - it is not yours to control!

squeakytoy · 07/05/2012 23:33

Well with having a buffet, we didnt have any table plans to faff about with, or seating arrangements, people just sat where they liked, and mingled, and we didnt do loads of speeches. We just stood at the cake with a knife, said thanks to everyone for coming, and cut the cake.. job done!

entropygirl · 07/05/2012 23:34

squeaky Im pretty sure we have had some MN rows in the past but honestly your wedding sounds identical to mine...

It is really amazing how many people have told me since that we did the right thing in going low key and just getting the job done...

squeakytoy · 07/05/2012 23:39

Entropy

People still say now that ours was one of the most fun weddings they went to. We had it in the local social club, not some fancy expensive hotel that meant people had to travel miles and spend a fortune on cabs, and I have to say, there was just no stress at all.

I was organising it myself, so I wanted something as easy as possible.. that wasnt likely to go wrong, and thats what we had!

entropygirl · 07/05/2012 23:42

yup - people dont talk about the fripperies and extravagances, they talk about having a relaxed fun time and maybe actually getting to talk to the bride and groom at some point during the day....

Original poster

diamondsonthesolesofhershoes · 07/05/2012 23:43

We've already scaled it down considerably by deciding against a sit down meal (I refuse to call it a breakfast. Cos it's not!), im making the bridesmaids dresses myself, having reception on family's farmland, so i'm much happier with the more relaxed way we're doing things.
I have to say, the idea of a stately home etc makes me feel ill. We met as 2 scruffy students who loved a good time and intend to stay that way (apart from the student part)

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2012 23:44

My Sister had a proper biker's wedding

My Mum was a bit worried about how that would work out with the rest of the family but they still talk about it to this day (20yrs ago)

She turned up in the side cart of a drop handled motorbike....he turned up on a Harley and my Gran had the Windsor Chapter of Hell's Angels singing The Wild Rover and various other Irish songs before the night was out

Happy days!

squeakytoy · 07/05/2012 23:52

Most of our friends were into rock music, bikers, just a bit weird or a combination of all, and I was "given away" by my two best mates, who were gay blokes... and there was also a few of their more "camp" mates there too... everyone had a great time and the photos are one of my best memories (luckily as I was rather pissed by 8pm after having had no chance to eat all day!)

Our aim for the day was to invite as many friends as we could so that nobody was left out, and we worked it on that basis, rather than who we would have to leave out if we went for a more expensive function.

We recently had to decline an invitation to a friends wedding that we would have loved to go to, as it was about 50 miles away from home, in an extremely posh hotel, (think £8 for a pint of lager), and it was just out of our budget. I was sad about it, but it would have cost us a fortune just to get there and have a few drinks.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2012 23:59

£8 for a pint of fucking lager???

I'd expect that to be served by a Unicorn on a bed of naked George Clooneys

Brandnewbrighttomorrow · 08/05/2012 00:00

Before we planned our wedding we wrote down a list of the weddings we remembered and loved and which ones had been dire. Having been to 30+ weddings together by that point we had plenty of both to choose from! We picked the bits we liked best and scrapped the things we didn't think were important (cake, favours, cars) and put the money we would have spent on them behind the bar. It was a bloody good wedding! I think it makes it easier to plan it as a party (which is all it is really) and ignore all the conventions about weddings. If the thought of a big venue stresses you out seek out a small one that you love. Then you have the perfect reason to not invite all and sundry! Our best mates had a small wedding followed by lunch at a lovely restaurant by the Thames. Fantastic day, there were only 20 or so of us there. If I were getting married now that's what I'd do. Plus there are tons of venues where you can have a civil ceremony now that provide a picture perfect spot for the ceremony BUT you don't have to do the whole thing in one place.

Brandnewbrighttomorrow · 08/05/2012 00:03

Sorry, x posts missed the bit about the venue above. If you have the land to do it, maybe a marquee and a hog roast?!

LRDtheFeministDragon · 08/05/2012 08:32

Why not go for it, then when you are settled, have a party to celebrate? Your little nieces might well enjoy it just as much, and you have the excuse of a difficult year behind you to argue that you and your DP would really like to have a smaller official ceremony.

I think it would be lovely, and if you can get away with it with family, I'd do it like a shot.

It sounds like you already get that your wedding doesn't have to follow traditional rules if you do go ahead with it as planned - but that extends to invitations. Who do you want there? Invite them. I wish I'd done this and not been so keen to be polite!

Congratulations and good luck!

marriedinwhite · 08/05/2012 08:43

It's not just the £8 for a pint of lager, it's the gracelessness of expecting guests to pay at all at an occasion they have been invited to. If you throw a party the hosts pay.

mangomadness · 08/05/2012 08:49

I had a beautiful wedding, but my mum was mum from hell.... Part of me wishes that we'd just gone on sarfari and got married out there.
Having said that I loved every minute if mine. Got 'married' at the reg office first thing in jeans. Then got dressed up and had our own ceremony with just our family by a beautiful lake with champagne and canapes. Then massive party in afternoon/evening/night with a summer buffet, band. Saved costs by getting cake made by pro caterer, seriously saved £900, was cheaper and yummier than m&s and was what I wanted. Made all of our invites ourselves, whilst buying our first house! Just wish that I could have invited people that my mum disapproved of, our relationship wasn't the best at the time.
Since then I've been to some that have a cost a fortune, just to show how much money they can spend. What made my even more special was that it was the only sunny sat in July! Our friend decorated his BMW to be my wedding car, and was wearing chauffeur's cap. Little things like that made the day, one of my friends travelled for 3 hours to come, had some food then had to travel back as he was flying to USA at 4am....made my day.
You're not going to please everybody so do what makes you happy!

margerykemp · 08/05/2012 08:51

I've never known a wedding where guests got more than 2 free drinks. These free bar weddings sound fab!

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 08/05/2012 08:57

This is why DH and I had a very small wedding...the pressure is silly! I would have died if someone had described my wedding as "dire" op. It's a celebration of a relationship....a joining of two people...not a competition.

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