There is constant chaos everytime I come home from work and I am sick of it.

[D0oinMeCleanin]

Rant alert.

I come in from work to be pounced on by two starving children asking if I have brought them home any lunch. I told them no, their dad told me he would make them some so I bought something with gravy for me which neither of them like.

DH has not made them anything. Apparently they've only 'just' started asking for lunch. It was 2pm ffs and they had breakfast at 9am.

I gave dd1 money and send her to the shop for easy food because if I start cooking them my lunch will go cold and it's the only hot meal I will get today.

She comes back with pastries. DH consficates them because he has just put something in the oven for them (at 2:10pm ) Tears ensue. He was at the shop when she was. He saw what she was buying. Why now, does he decide he will cook for them? Is it just to piss me off?

He has Sky Sports news on and is hogging dd1's netbook. They want to watch something so ask if they can watch one of the movies I've uploaded onto my phone. I give them the phone. He takes it away. Hysterics from dd1 who goes slamming upstairs. Dd2 tells him she is telling of him and comes to me.

This is why, apparently, he did not want me to get a '£500' phone (free with the contract, same contract I was on last year and the year before that and the year before that etc.)

Why has my phone and what I do with it got anything to do with him? Yeah he pays the bill but he pays it with our money, not his money our money.

Besides the fact the phone is insured and the children used my last phone for 18 months solid and never once broke it. He actaully causes me more problems with my phones by accidentally changing settings and not remembering how to change them back. At least dd1 knows how to work it, which is more than I can say for him.

They now have the phone back but my rant is still not finished....

I asked him to do one single thing during the two and a half hours I was at work. Just one thing and that was take the children's bed sheets out of the washer and put them in the dryer. Has he bothered? Has he fuck I've been up since 7am cleaning up this shithole before work while he slept off his hangover and he can't even empty the fucking washer. I have no hangover because I was working last night and will be working tonight and tommorrow night and Wednesday. i haven't had a day off since thursday and won't be off again until thursday yet I am still solely responisble for the house work

(I may be over tired and slightly over reacting)

I feel stabby.

Im sorry Doo, but really everytime i see a post from you i know what the problem is before i read it.

Get rid of your selfish, stupid, self entitled, useless piece of shite, twat of a husband please, please, please, please!!!!

If you don't you will look back and seriously regret not doing so.

ImperialBlether - I think I will do that at some point, my kids are pushing all the wrong buttons lately .... ;)

:) Daisy- kids and husbands have a lot to answer for.

Well he redeemed himself late last night coming to meet me after work because some pissed up eejit was threatening to kill me.

He got the neighbours teen to sit in with the kids and came straight out in the rain with the dog being all heroic and such like. Of course said eejit had probably gotten himself arrested by then after insisting I called the police whilst he continued to threaten me but that's not the point. So I guess dh does have some good points.

No he was quite good last night, making me cups of tea and fetching wine and meeting me in the rain. He'd also actually cooked a decent meal for the children and redressed their beds, which proves he can be thoyghtful and helpful when he wants to be, he just needs to be like that more often. He still didnt wash up but reckons that was because he was waiting by the phone for me to text or call if I had any more problems

I know none of this excuses his earlier behaviour I just wish he would be this way more often.

But he won't though. How many chances has he had? Anyone can be thoughtful and helpful - he's choosing not to most of the time.

Any parent knows you don't wait until (mobile) children ask for food, they get too distracted and forget they're hungry until they're ravenous and it gets everything out of sync. Meals are at a set time.

Dooin every post from you is moaning about your DH.

I feel sorry for your kids tbh. Neither of their parents bothering to feed them, no communication, having to go to the shop for their own food at 8 years old??

Hang on Alibaba, how was she supposed to feed her kids when she was at work?

I suppose the perfect doormat mum would have prepared something nutritious before she left for her shift...

I don't know, if the hangover's only a rare thing then it's maybe forgivable for him to have an off day, but only if you get an equal number of off days, do you?

tall that isn't what I mean at all.

But, if she knows that her useless fuckwit of a husband can't be relied upon to feed them, then yes she should have a plan. The children should not be left hungry in some kind of idiotic power battle between their parents.

However, if your 8 year old is hungry and there is bread and cheese for lunch, then that is what they get. When a child is that young, the parents are in charge and the child shouldn't have the option of going to the shop for themselves.

I agree with whoever used the word dysfunctional upthread.

Dooin that's not being good - that's what a normal DH would do though. That is what you should expect all the time, not just when he realises you're fucked off and he's fucked up

'which proves he can be thoyghtful and helpful when he wants to be'.

OP, it's not thoughtful and helpful of him to feed HIS kids and do some housework in HIS house. It's just what he should be doing, the same as you just do it.

Honestly, what is it with men who pretend they need to be told to do everything and looked out for every step of the way?

I agree with the poster who told you to shut yourself away somewhere quiet, eat your lunch and let your DH do some parenting.

And yes, kids of this age (well, anyone really) ought to eat what they're given, not be given money to go and buy crap.

There was no 'idiotic power game' we discussed what they were having for lunch before I left for work. I told him what we had in the house and gave him him the option of having dd1 come and collect my free meal for them to share.

I am past power games. I am past trying to get any help from him. I've done power games that did not involve the children by refusing to cook for him or wash for him all that happened is that I ended up with more take out cartons to clean up and huge piles of dirty washing on the stairs.

He said he would 'cook' chicken fingers, sweetcorn, peas and potato shapes for them. He normally does cook for them, albeit later than he should but never as late as he did yesterday. Dd1 said she would make angel delight for dessert for everyone and asked if I wanted some.

She did buy some jelly cubes (with her pocket money) to go with a tin of fruit earlier in the day to make herself and dd2 some jelly and fruit but DH took it off her and hid it so she would not 'make a mess'

I had spent all morning cleaning the kitchen and dining room, so DH did not want her in there messing it up again. Why I don't know because she is fairly good at putting what she has used in the sink and wiping down any mess.

There was and still is food in the house that dd1 could have prepared herself, there was just no crisps and yoghurts left for them to pick at and only bananas left in the fruit bowl which dd1 does not like, there is a fruit stall just accross the road on weekends and bank holidays she could have made use of if she wanted to. She knows where I keep spare change, an apple only costs a couple of pence. She also had the option of coming to me and getting something from my work. I only work around the corner. She is allowed to call in alone during daylight hours.

Pastries are not an ideal lunch but as a weekend treat they're hardly going to kill them.

Had I not been working until 12am (so not in bed until after 1am after I'd had a cuppa etc.) the night before and then up at 7am to clean up before work and had I not been looking forward to having a sit down and some lunch before more washing and a busy evening shift I would have made them both omlettes or something.

I had no energy or time really (I had uniforms still to wash and dogs to walk before my next shift) to argue with either dd1 or DH about who was having what for lunch. They'd been at my mum's the night before and had been given a decent breakfast of eggs, beans and wholemeal toast and fruit at 9am, so I saw nothing wrong a pastry treat for lunch. I knew she would buy pastries at the shop it's what she always choses when she is allowed to pick a 'treat' lunch. It's flour, eggs and milk and butter, not aresenic. With a fruit or savoury filling. She went for cheese and onion pasties and an apple turnover each, like she always does. She would have warmed up some beans to go with the pasties were they not confiscated from her because DH had just put the chicken fingers and potato shapes in the oven while she was at the shop.

He didn't tell me he was doing that but had seen her at the shop so I assumed he knew she was buying lunch for herself since I do not like sweet pastries.

And yes DH needs a rocket up his arse or a nuclear bomb or I need to leave, but with no support from anywhere I find the prospect of that terrifying. I brought in a family support worker to help us and try and get him into counselling and us both in couples counselling or to help me leave, which is what they promised to do, but he will not engage with them or partake in counsellling. Everytime I mention wanting to leave to them because of lack of support they point out how much childcare he does when I work and his 'illnesses', like I'm not doing the same when he is working

I get the same response from my family when I tell them how much I am struggling.

Right at this moment in time I am still far too tired and stressed as well as now mulling over the prospect that some drunken eejit might not be some just some druken eejit and might actually try to 'do me in' to even think about what I am going to do next.

DH is still being nice and has told me to phone the police and then him immediately if the drunken tosser turns up at work today and he will come straight home from work.

DOin. This is tough for you, and also your DD's.
Hope you can access some support.

DOoin, if your counsellors are implying that you should stay with or be grateful to your husband because he looks after his own kids, then they are a sack of shite and not worth listening to.

The thing is, he isn't looking after them. He is physically in the house, but that's about all you could say. I think he's actually quite unkind to the dc, almost like an overbearing (bullying?) big brother, rather than a responsible parent. Really who sits on their arse watching telly and takes a child's own netbook off them and takes away a phone that their other parent (who owns said phone) has allowed them to play with. And that's before you get to the stuff about not feeding them properly.

Meeting you from work because it's raining and you've been threatened is normal behaviour - not anything special or particularly nice. cleaning up the house, when you are the one at home and your partner is at work, is also normal.

Okay - strategies. I would cancel Sky Sports. I would also make very clear that the notebook belongs to dd and he is not to take it off her and thet the phone is yours to lend as you see fit and none of his fucking business.

Make sure you have plenty of healthy food in the house that the kids can prepare themselves - they shouldn't be left to the mercy of a fuckwit.

If you don't have separate finances, perhaps now is the time to start - one joint account for bills, split the rest into his and yours and put into own accounts. Given that you are thinking of leaving him, it will be easier if you are not so tied together.

Your kids sound fine btw, so you are doing something right - it's just your husband you need to sort out.

Who's pointing out the childcare he does? The family support workers? That's bonkers I mean, he's doing the barest minimum. If you had an au pair who was acting like this, you'd sack them. I think it's mean that he upsets them too by allowing them to think they are allowed something and then suddenly changing his mind :(

Is there not anyone else who could support? Because the worker you have right now sounds just as useless.

OP, you're right about the food thing, I'm sorry. I only meant the word 'crap' in conjunction with the pastries casually; I certainly wasn't casting aspersions on your kids' diets or your parenting. I think I used a mild swearword because I was so annoyed with your DH's behaviour and the miserable situation you're in.

I agree that the support workers sound rubbish. I'm sorry, I don't have any good advice on that front, apart from perhaps ask to see a new one.

Yes it was the family suport worker. We do have a new one. The old one got promoted

This one does seem better and since DH is avoiding her and she agrees it is him she needs to speak to more than me she has asked when my shifts are so she knows when she catch him home unawares so he cannot avoid her in order to pin him down and get him to come up with a list of what he can do himself to help support me while I am working and to work out with him when would be a good time for him to step in and give me some down time, although that is making me all panicky about the house because I don't know when she is coming hence the mad steam cleaning sessions at 7am.

I have the kind of life where when one thing goes wrong my whole life starts crashing down all at once.

Atm my relationship is falling apart, dd1 is being bullied again by people in the street now as well as at school, dd2 is a jack russel again sparking SN concerns again as well as inferring to her teachers that our dog is dangerous by trying to bite them when they try and pull her out from under the desk because "that is what dogs do when you pull them out of under the desk" , the boiler is starting to pack in and I do agree that we have a leak somewhere now, I have more shifts than I can manage without going mad for the foreseeable future (my boss is training someone else up to help me out my sister who I will kindly give all my weekend shifts too ) and now I have some muppet threatening to kill me or cause me severe pain. And to top it all off the dog is still smearing shit everywhere so I have to try and fit in a vet visit today and the other one now will not sleep alone, so I also have to shift around the bedroom furniture to fit in her crate somewhere.

At least it can only get better from here right?

I could always leave the dog's arse and train him to smear anal scretions on DH's favourite chair

One thing I wouldn't do is any more of his dirty washing. If he leaves it on the stairs, just chuck it somewhere you can ignore it (back garden?) and don't do it. You have to hold your nerve for longer than him.

Having read your previous posts about your DH, I think trying to get him to engage with a FSW is futile - unawares or not. IIRC (and correct me if I'm wrong) but haven't you got him out once before but let him back as he promised he would change?

You don't need anyone's green light to walk away. You sound like you're busting a gut to try to keep things together - but why? He's not caring for the children, he's just an adult body in the house when you're not there. It's not the same thing. Why should you have to ensure that x, y and z are done before you go to work so the kids eat - he's a grown man, he's capable of putting a meal and snacks together before the children become ravenous, and of washing and ironing some uniforms, surely?

Your children will remember the little things like him confiscating your phone from them despite you letting them have it, they'll remember him hiding the jelly cubes they bought with their own money to make a treat for themselves and you. All these little, miserly, mean acts will build up in their memories.

what 'illnesses'? Is he disabled? Is that why you have a family support worker?

No, he has varying 'illnesses' his real illnesses include epilepsy, sleep aponea, depression and anxiety. The latter two he will not seek help for. His 'illnesses' are varying and many and can include dental pain and migraine right down to various undiagnosed cancers and more recently strangled hernias or some such bowel problem.

We have a family support worker because I asked for support because I was struggling and the girls had no routines on nights I worked, leaving them tired for school the next day. The house was a mess and I felt like I was sinking to a degree I would not be able to pull myself back out without some support from somewhere Dd1 also had issues with bullying and dd2 was a jack russel at the time, although she did revert back to being dd2 for a little while, she is now a dog again, most of the time.

He will now follow a routine and does mainly get them to sleep on time, bathed and dressed properly for bed which is a massive improvement on how things used to be and to be honest I would rather the FSW just buggered off now and left me to it as other than that they have been no real help but they think I need ongoing support because of the state of our relationship and the pressure I feel I am under to keep the house straight pretty much alone while I work ft.

I had hoped that by hearing from an outsider or even having an outsider to mediate while we talk that DH would realise just how much things need to change, but instead he just blames me for involving SS (which they are not) and complains more about the house work but does less, because it's "my fault" they are here, although the girls have benefitted from the new routine , which makes the rest worth it.

Fliss I didn't chuck him out, it's his house and it's falling apart. I don't want it. I'd rather start a fresh and just pack up the bare minimum of what we need leaving him with all the clutter and crap . I did get hold of some money to leave shortly before xmas but chickened out and agreed to give it another 'one last go' after he promised to change, which he did do, until about mid January.

If I am being fair things are not as bad as they were (i.e routines now in place, he does sometimes, not often but sometimes wash up etc.) he has slightly stepped up and took some responsibility but things are still not as good as they should be and they are not good enough for me to not feel like I am drowning.

On the brightside the silly drunken sod did not turn up at work this lunchtime with the police to have me arrested like he promised he would, nor has made any apparent attempts to find out where I live in order to hurt me. So that's good.