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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My murder DH. AIBU?

27 replies

Louboo2245 · 06/05/2012 22:03

I had my gallbladder removed on Weds, I know it's not a major operation, but still left me in pain and sore.
Family have been fab. DH couldn't get time off of work, not his fault, not why I want to kill him.
Due to this I can't drive So today is the first day where I have been left on my own all day with DD who is 18 weeks. She is not the hardest baby but certainly not the easiest. DH at work between 8 this morning and 6 this evening.
Gone a bit loopy on my own and not getting out. So suggested we go to the inlaws to get me out and give me a bit of relief.

We forgot DD evening bottle to DH went with FIL to get it which took 3/4 of an hour leaving me with DD as MIL was preparing tea.

Anyway after tea DD starts crying as she was tired. So I start to walk her up and down the hall while DH sits and watches TV. FIL comes and takes over after 20 minutes of walking. I go back into sitting room where DH is and give him the look, at which point he says do you want to go home? I say not really (though probably did just didn't want to admit it) So he goes and takes DD off of FIL and puts her on the play mat we keep at theirs. He then walks off and leaves her crying there. After waiting 5 mins to see if he does anything. I pick her up and say lets go home then.

AIBU to want to just strangle him?

OP posts:

BombasticAghast · 06/05/2012 22:04

YANBU to feel rotten, but it definitely works best to say what you want.

Hope you feel better soon.

kittyandthefontanelles · 06/05/2012 22:10

Not really sure what he's done which is do wrong. Sorry. Hope you feel better soon

5318008 · 06/05/2012 22:13

if you wanted to go home why did you say no?

no one can intuit what another person's intentions are, really

I am sorry you are sore and feeling a bit stabby stab stab

Shakey1500 · 06/05/2012 22:18

Agree that it's best to be clear :)

Sorry you're feeling yuck :( Can I ask what led up to you havng the gallbladder removed? Timescsale etc? Just that I've got a scan looming for gallstones and any heads up would be great. No problem if you'd rather not :)

WorraLiberty · 06/05/2012 22:18

I think it's probably the post op blues that's making your a bit unreasonable.

I can't see he's done anything wrong really.

Cabrinha · 06/05/2012 22:18

Might be an idea to keep some formula cartons at the inlaw's and a bottle, in future?
I can see it'd be annoying that he didn't step in when you were walking her - but at 18 weeks I know my daughter only settled for me (and if I'm honest I didn't want t

TeWiDoesTheHulaInHawaii · 06/05/2012 22:19

I think the dynamic in relationships can be very strange when you are at one of your parent's houses. DH used to slip straight into 'son' mode and seem to forget that there was me in the background having to do everything for the baby, but in a less comfortable place!

He has got better over time, and I have talked to him about specific things (ie, it is a lot bit rude to go off and play a game with your siblings that I can't join in with) I think maybe I should have argued with him about it more, but didn't really have the confidence at the time.

The very wordy point of was, talk to him, he probably doesn't realise that he's upset you.

Cabrinha · 06/05/2012 22:20

To let her go anyway!) so maybe your H is too used to leaving it to you, too?
You really can't blame him for you saying you wanted to stay!

WorraLiberty · 06/05/2012 22:20

He's worked a 10hr shift and had a 3/4hr extra drive to get the bottle

He was probably knackered to be honest.

CountessOlenska · 06/05/2012 22:21

I had mine out on Wednesday too. Not been on own yet. Hope you feel better

Original poster

Louboo2245 · 06/05/2012 22:23

it was more the fact I've spent the day with DD and his dad came and relieved me rather than him. I know she will settle for DH and not for FIL despite doing his best bless him.

I was diagnosed with gall stones when I was 36 weeks pregnant (Late November) had pancreatitus which resulted in me having 5 stones removed at 38 weeks under General Aneasthetic and then scans and op done 3 months after ECS in Jan so I would have time to heal from that one.

I know I shouldn't expect DH to know my every waking thought, but I feel with a bit of consideration he should have got this one.

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 06/05/2012 22:36

Well, next time you'll have to be open enough to say what you want. I don't think it's his fault he didn't get it right.

You'll feel loads better when the soreness wears off, I hope.

AfternoonDelight · 06/05/2012 22:37

I had mine out last Monday! Just thought I'd join the club.

HOMEMADECHUTNEY · 06/05/2012 22:46

Gosh you've had a bit of a miserable time, OP. Hope you're recovering well from your gall bladder op.

I have to agree with the other posters who said that you must clearly state what you want. A long time ago I realised that unless I explicitly said what I needed help with, and what I expected DH to do, it just wouldn't happen. Dh, while great in many ways, was never going to say "You need some time for yourself, let me do the slog".

I actually wasted a lot of time feeling bitter and resentful and simmering with rage at the injustice of it all. Then, for various reasons I realised that I had to state what I wanted/expected and let him get on with meeting those expections.

Sadly, many men just don't 'get it'. You've had a tough week - tell Dh exactly what you need him to do to help you.

MagicHouse · 06/05/2012 22:55

YANBU! I had a 'd'h like this - he is now my ex dh! My guess is he's not really very supportive in general for you to feel like this?? My ex would say things like "that was a great evening" - when he'd got drunk/ had a lovely dinner with friends while I'd missed most of the dinner/ conversation dealing with a fractious baby.
Once on MY birthday - he enjoyed a bbq with friends while I spent the evening in the bedroom trying to get my dd (reflux baby) to sleep.

Moan moan! Sorry to bring my bad memories to your thread!!! But no, I can totally relate to your feelings!

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/05/2012 22:58

YABU to want to strangle him. Get creative, you can do better than that.

CountessOlenska · 06/05/2012 23:12

Sounds like you've had a horrible time, and need some tlc- try explaining to DH??

Bunnyjo · 06/05/2012 23:12

I think YABU, but I understand the pain you are going through.

I had gallstones throughout my second pregnancy, but had a terrible attack when my DS was 3mth old. I was rushed in with acute cholecystitis which developed into peritonitis on a Wednesday and spent 4 days in hospital. I spent 3 days on nil by mouth whilst they did a scan, MRCP and then decided to stabilise me with IV (and tablet on discharge) antibiotics before doing the op. On the following Tuesday (6 days after the bad attack) I had my gallbladder removed and was discharged on the Thursday (I always suffer complications after GA and the op lasted 2hrs longer than usual). During both hospital stays my DS was with me as he was breastfed. Two days after being discharged, my DS developed a very high fever and rash and was rushed into paed ward, we spent 4 worrying days in hospital whilst he was being treated for suspected bacterial meningitis, he was on an IV drip and had to endure a lumbar puncture, he wasn't even 14wk old . Thankfully he was diagnosed with rotavirus, that he contracted from being in hospital with me.

My DH was unable to take any parental leave during the whole time (company were issuing redundancies and, as luck would have it, he got his redundancy notice the day DS was discharged) and my DMum and Dad looked after our older DD when I was in hospital, but I had both kids on my own as soon as I was discharged each time - they had to get back to work. I honestly look back at that time and think it was the worst time of my/our lives and it took me a long time to recover fully.

My DS is now 11mth old and I've just had a knee op and may need another in 6mth! I'm hoping my luck changes soon before I single handedly bleed the NHS dry

bejeezus · 06/05/2012 23:14

Jeez! I don't think YABU at ALL. He should definitely have relieved you, 10 hour shift or not.

Pancreatitis, pregnancy, labour, gall stone removal, 18 week old baby?! Why on earth shod you 'have to be clear' It's bleeding obvious you'll need some RnR. Stoopid man

WorraLiberty · 06/05/2012 23:18

He let his Dad take over for a while and left the baby on a mat for 5 minutes

It's ok to be tired yourself too

Even if you do have a DP who's had a serious operation, a young baby and a long shift.

He just wanted to chill for a tiny bit by the sound of it.

lucyellensmumnamechange · 06/05/2012 23:20

your DH, for example, is a cunt

Shakey1500 · 06/05/2012 23:28

Jeez I wouldn't go that far lucy

Jenny70 · 06/05/2012 23:41

To me the putting baby on mat, leaving her crying there was odd - did she even settle with you, FIL or him after walking her around? If not, plonking her on a mat isn't going to work, and if it did settle her (assuming it took 30+mins) the last thing I'd do after she was happy was plonk her and leave her.

And yes, he should be more considerate after your op, even if he's working hard and tired, he should be more considerate (but he did ask if you wanted to go).

But the thing that leapt out at me was today was first day left alone and you needed IL's to get you out sounds little needy. If you'd been stuck at home days, sure - but this was your first day and you were climbing the walls?

I think you need to find ways to be content at your own home, they'll be plenty of housebound days ahead with sicknesses etc.

WorraLiberty · 06/05/2012 23:47

I'm trying to flip this on its head...

OP posts to say...

My DH has had his gallbladder removed and is in a lot of pain. I just can't take time off work (not my fault) but fortunately the family have been a fantastic help...especially as we have an 18wk DD.

Sunday was the first time DH was left alone with the baby...it was unavoidable as I had to work a 10 hour shift. Because she'd been in all day on her own, she suggested going to my parent's house this evening so she could have some light relief.

After driving there, I was just about to relax after my long day at work when we realised we'd forgotten DD's bottle...so I drove another 3/4 of an hour to fetch it...by now I was dead on my feet.

After tea, I finally flopped into the chair due to extreme tiredness and the baby started to cry. My DH started to walk her up and down the hall and after a while my Dad took over...I was so grateful to him.

Next thing my DH comes into the lounge and gives me a daggers look...so I ask if he wants me to drive us all home...to which he replies 'not really'.

I take our DD off my Dad and wonder if she'd like to sit on her playmat...she cries for a few minutes but I reckon she'll settle soon enough like she has before.

Next thing my DH grabs our DD and says 'let's go home then' and now for some reason he wants to strangle me???

AIBU that he just didn't communicate with me? AIBU to think that even though I know he's in pain and has been with our DD all day, I did my best after a 10 hour Sunday shift and a lot of driving on top?

I can imagine the 'YANBUs' would slightly outweigh the 'YABU's' actually.

WorraLiberty · 06/05/2012 23:49

"Sunday was the first time DH was left alone with the baby...it was unavoidable as I had to work a 10 hour shift. Because she'd been in all day on her own, she suggested going to my parent's house this evening so she could have some light relief"

That should obviously have read he'd and his

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