To be sick of being the sensible one in the relationship...

[mrfreeze]

I know im not, i just need to vent about it.

dp and myself have renovated a house the past year or so, theres still tons to be done in it and 1 of the major things was to sort out a nursery from the spare room as im now 8 1/2 months pregnant. Im not working at the minute as was made redundant in november, dp works full time, he pays mortgage and the car, sky and insurance, i pay everything else which i really struggle with but just get on with it, i dont really go out anywhere, every bit of spare money goes on the house, dp hardly goes out either, but does go to the local with his friends or dad prob 3-4 times a month. i see friends but its always at 1 of our houses as they know i dont have the money for nights out etc.

a while ago we made a list of things still to be done, we needed 2 rooms plastered and flooring for all downstairs, we agreed id pay the cheapest which was the plastering, i saved for this for months, used my birthday money etc and had this done a few weeks ago, yesterday we set off to get the flooring, half way there i said to dp have you go enough to get the other room aswell, he suddenly stops the car and says what do you mean have i got enough, i thought you were paying.

this went on for a while and in the end i told him to take me home, this is how it usually is that ill sort things out in the house, trying to make it nice and get everything done, yet he never has any recollection of saying what he should help out with. i have no job, i dont know where he thinks i get the money from, Ive not asked him for anything to do with the baby stuff, ive just been selling stuff on ebay to help with the cost of things so he thinks im fine, i tell him im really struggling, and nothing changes.

Todays arguement was that he shouldnt go the pub and instead put the money towards the flooring we desperately need (or a moses basket), this led to me apparently being controlling. he just thinks like hes a teenager still, hasnt learnt to prioritise whatsoever and im sick of being the only one realising what needs to be done and getting on with it. i feel like im single, i certainly dont feel part or a couple. i sit upstairs most nights while he sits downstairs on his x box. Just feeling really crap right now, im due in 6 weeks and everything babywise i have done myself, i wish he'd make more effort but im tired of asking him to do so.

You have a house together, and are about to have a child together.. surely you need to be pooling your finances too into one pot, then using what is left over after all bills and other expenses to be split between you both.

To be honest if we did that, the house would never get finished which is why ive never wanted a joint account etc. he just cannot be trusted with money, hes good paying his bills etc but any spare money he would see that as an excuse to buy another x box game or go for a few drinks, whereas i think ok treat yourself with a bit of it but save the rest for something that needs doing.

i feel like his mother sometimes, we've been together 11 years, and i just feel like the sensible one whose always thinking about where the next bit of money is coming from, i hate being so sensible when he can be so reckless and it doesnt worry him cos he knows im here to think of things hes forgotten.

You don't need the nursery done, as the baby will be in your room for the first couple of months.

Also you didn't get pregnant yourself so he should be paying his share.

when we found out I was pregnant, one of the first things my husband did was sell his xbox.... his choice, not mine although I was very happy about it :o he realised that he'd been spending ALL of his time on it, away from me, shut away. He got on with so much more stuff when he'd got rid of it, that had needed doing for ages that I couldn't physically do.

I was surprised reading you've been together 11 years.

Is it just the current situation you're in that's made him behave like this, or has he always been like it?

If it's always been the same, how do you normally resolve it?

If your baby was planned, how did you factor his student behaviour into the equation?

Sorry, most of that is questions

Hi,

no its never been like this before, I admit some nights im just so exhausted that all i do is crawl to bed around 8 and leave him to either watch tv or play on that thing. but i always make time for him whenever he comes in from work most of the time i will cook our tea and we eat together. or if its his choice to go on it i will just go to bed and watch tv alone. he asked me not long ago did i mind him spending so much time on it while i sat upstairs alone, i told him yes i did mind but some nights all i want to do is crawl to bed to sleep as im so tired from doing everything in the day.

The baby was planned (were both in our early 30's), its since i got pregnant its been like this. Its always me saying shall we do something at the weekend, pictures or meal whatever, then something will always get in the way. This is our last bit of time off together as a couple before the baby is born, everyone is telling us we should be making the most of the time together we have left and he just doesnt seem interested. on saturday he went out with some friends in the day, he was home by half 9 but so drunk that i had to undress him and put him to bed after hed been sick everywhere. yesterday he was still hungover so did nothing all day, while i went and did the shopping, bought a moses basket and other bits, he finally crawled into bed around 6am so im guessing he will stay in bed most of today aswell, so thats our last holiday together ruined. i just feel like a single parent already, id love him to take an interest in getting things ready but i ask him some things and he just looks completely bored. i think ive made the worst mistake of my life

Ugh. He sounds like a stupid kid.

Sorry you're feeling so down. This is very tough and extremely frustrating and disappointing for you.

I'm torn between feeling he is a selfish, addicted arse and thinking he just needs to adjust to the idea of parenthood (that's not to say his behaviour acceptable and I am not giving you the 'Oh men, eh?! Bless them!' routine!).

Maybe he is getting all this teen shit out of his system?

I think he sounds absolutely terrified/deeply in denial as the X Box shiz and getting drunk as a skunk is a way of escaping reality?

It's taken my dh many years to shed all his teen habits and he was a bit rubbish when I was pregnant but he did come to get all the baby stuff and painted the nursery etc. Your dp sounds extreme.

Can you find time to properly talk to him?

mrfreeze - you deserve more than him. You sound like you would be better off without him

I think some men do becaome arses during pregnancy. The balance shifts so they feel that they don't have to try because you are vulnerable and can't leave/won't leave. They therefore behave selfishly just because they can

My dh was like this when I was pregnant the first time. Before I fell pregnant we had both lived a bit like students - out drinking every weekend - but when I knew I was pregnant I changed and he didn't. He was just as selfish when baby was born tbh. I remember having a sickness bug at the same time as dd and I still had to get up repeatedly during the night to tend to her even though I was being sick every time I moved. It did eventually come to a head and I decided I was leaving him. It was only at that point things changed and things have been much better since. Not being a merchant of doom but don't expect any drastic changes to happen just because baby is born. Do you have family on hand to help you?

Mind you, the thing about him not being interested in getting things ready for the baby is a step further than my dh went. That is very hurtful - what does he say when you ask him why he doesn't want to decorate or buy baby stuff?

I agree with toothbrush my "partner" has behaved like a total arse since I was about 8 weeks pregnant and is continuing to do so now. He has never contributed financially towards our dd who is now 2 1/2 month, despite the fact I am helping him pay for rennovations on the house we live in. (Not OUR house mind, it belongs to him and his dickhead lovely mother)
Refuse to contribute anymore towards the house and tell him that you need to save any spare money you have for your dc.... Babies are expensive!!!

Its not the decorating or anything like that, weve spent the last year doing the house and i cant fault him for the work hes put in, we were so skint he learnt how to plumb and tile on a little course so he did the whole bathroom himself around working full time. its the choosing things for our baby that just hurts, im just doing it alone, i know hes keen to decorate as much as me and get the house done, but he wont prioritise that first which i find selfish. i have a wonderful family thankfully so my mum has helped out heaps and bought our pram, his own mum has bought our cot for us. i cant help wonder where we'd be if they hadnt helped out like that.

I did kind of wonder if he was just like this cos im pregnant and will it change when the baby is born, ive read about men not being able to realise it till its actually here. fatfingers hit the nail on the head, as soon as i realised i changed dramatically, i wasnt a huge drinker but i started looking after myself a lot more, he just hasnt and if anything has got a bit worse. maybe its my hormones making me worse, only time will tell i suppose if he changes once the babies here. I know 1 thing though i certainly wont be around the chase after him if he continues to act like a child.

My husband at first wasn't overly interested in baby stuff, I'd try to get his opinion and it was "if that's what you want get it", I tried to tell him I wanted his input. I got toys and books etc and he thought I was being silly. I think it's because they're removed from the process. It's only really been in the last few months (I'm 40 weeks today) that he's getting really enthusiastic about it. For example last week he chose sleepsuits etc. He's not been as bad as yours by any stretch because he loved decorating, and he's pushing on to get our kitchen ready. But I think that it has been much more real and 'happening' for me than for him and it's sunk in now that a screaming bundle is due to arrive.

You really do need to sort out your dps relationship with the Xbox too before the baby arrives.

Otherwise it will just cause even more problems between you.

"I did kind of wonder if he was just like this cos im pregnant and will it change when the baby is born"

I think the truth is the other way around. You already knew he was rubbish with money and irresponsible but preparing for the baby has thrown this into sharp relief. You're growing up at different speeds. When the baby arrives the risk is that he will not like being pinned down, having to change his lifestyle or make sacrifices. You'll be on MN in a few months wondering why he still goes out all weekend and you're literally left holding the baby.

If you want it to work you're going to have to be sensible a bit more assertively. Start as you mean to go on or it'll be miserable.