to expect more effort from my bro & sister in law?

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My younger brother is 30 yrs old and married, but makes almost no effort with my children (4 & 2), which I'm finding quite hurtful. He and his wife have forgotton my little boy's birthday this week, and still don't seem to have noticed, and make no effort to come and visit despite being only 90 mins away. The sad thing is my son always talks so fondly of him.

By comparison his wife spoils her own sister's children rotten. They get elaborate presents for birthdays and Christmas, where as my brother still expects my mum to buy for my children and gives her the money when he can get round to it. My sister-in-law also had her nephew, who is the same age as my son, as their page boy at their wedding along with her sisters, nieces and friends playing key roles, as if my brother's side of the family didn't exist.

Is it unreasonable to expect more involvement from my brother? Also, is it wrong to think that his wife should maybe have some responsibility towards us too? I've really tried to reach out to them, sending them pictures from the children, etc. I really couldn't care about any of the neglectful stuff towards myself or my husband (of which there's loads), I just feel really sad that my children don't have a loving uncle.

How much effort do you make to visit?

To be fair, 90 mins is a 3 hour round trip.

How often do you go and visit them too?

THis sounds like typical brother behaviour! A brother spoilt by his own mother who is still running around after him. Maybe his wife (not unreasonably) has said that he is responsible for keeping in touch etc with his side of the family, does she run round after your brother too. Maybe your SIL suggested to your brother he involve your family in the wedding but he did not get round to it.....

He sounds lazy more than uncaring.

It is the responsibility of your brother rather than his wife tbf, so he should be matching what she does for her side of the family.

How much effort do you make with them?

Sadly, you can't force an emotional attachment that isn't there. Also, a 90 minute journey is hardly down the road. I don't think anyone should have responsibility dumped on them just because they happen to be married to your brother so while it is a shame your children's uncle isn't overly fussed, it is difficult to see what you can do about it.

It's up to your brother to make the effort if he wants to, if not there's not much you can do about it. If he wanted your ds as pageboy he would have discussed it with his wife-to-be. Of course his wife is going to make more fuss over her nephews and nieces, they're related to her. Sad but I don't see what you can do.

Yes, it is wrong to expect your brothers wife should have more responsibility towards you.

Why do you want them to have 'responsibility' towards you anyway, you and your children aren't a chore that needs to be done like housework. They are not obliged to visit you and buy your children gifts out of a duty.

They either want to be close to you or they don't, and unfortunately for you it appears that they don't. Your SILs relationship with her own sister and her children isn't relevant. That is between her and her sister and nothing to do with you. She may have been closer to her sister than her brother is to you.

What was your relationship like with your brother before you both got married?

I don't mean this to sound as harsh as it probably does btw, and I can understand that you feel sad that you don't have a better relationship with your brother. But that's between you and him,nothing to do with your sil.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Me and DH make an effort to treat both sides of the family as equally as possible, I consider it as much my responsibility as his to make an effort with his side - just because I'm not related by blood they are still my family, and DH also tends not to think of these things as much as me (and has just said that I do tend to push these things more than he would for his own family). So YANBU imo.

Does your SILs family live closer to her? Personally 90mins does actually sound like quite a distance to me - that's 3 hours there and back in a single day if they're going to make a visit, possibly more if the traffic's bad. It would be nice of them to make these visits, as it would be for you to visit them, but unfortunately it is often easier to make effort with those who live just much closer to you than others and can lead to closer relationships as a result.

Hmm, reading other's comments - I do think when you marry into a family (as she has done) you become part of that family, and families being treated unequally is one sure fire way of building up resentment. We want our families to get on and also for our children to have as close a relationship to both sides as possible, neither side is better than the other - they both bring in certain things that our children can benefit from.

I do make an effort to go up there a lot but tbf my parents live in the same town as them so I am very used to doing long journeys to see everyone at once, and don't think much of it.

In reality it probably is because we didn't have a close relationship growing up, but because having children changed so much for me, and made me prioritise family relationships more, I have started to wish my brother did too.

Agree there's very little I can do, but it has helped to vent, thank you!

Maybe she does have some responsibility-but she can´t force him to phone/visit you, can she?

That's it. Having DCs changed life for you. It tends not to to the same extent for men. If he didnt make the effort for you pre-DCs I wouldnt expect him to now. it's not nice but it's sadly normal

Sorry, YABU to expect the wife to take care of all her husband's family stuff like she's his bloody mother or PA.

My husband is utterly useless with that kind of stuff with his (huge) family. His family are fabulous so I do always try to make an effort with presents and cards and suggesting visits etc when I remember, but if we accidentally missed a birthday of one of HIS family I would consider it his cock up, not my own as, ultimately, it's his responsibility tbh.

I can understand you being hurt and frustrated and your brother not making more effort himself though, for sure.

Dont force a relationship that isn't natural as that will lead to you becoming bitter.

I'm not especially close to my Bro & SiL or their children and can only vaguely remember which end of a month their birthdays may fall on, they too are 2 hours away. We are not close and whilst I think its a bit sad we both have our own lives and friends and if there was an emergency I know we'd both pull out all the stops for each other.

Dont judge them too harshly, people have busy lives and 90 minutes is a long way, especially when you're working during the week.

I think that part of this comes down to whether you think of your ILs as family or not. For you, you consider sil to be family and therefore feel she has obligations to you, whereas she might be of the opinion that you are her dh's family but not hers, iyswim.

Agree that it is your brother's responsibility to remember and acknowledge your dc's birthdays. That said, I would do this for my dh, if he was likely to forget, because I think it is a nice thing to do, but I wouldn't think it was my responsibility to do it.

He should have considered your dc when he got married, but he probably didn't think. I kind of think though that the bride chooses attendants who are personally important to her, so would try not to be offended that she didn't include your dc, even though it would have been politic to do so.

I think the fundamental problem here, is that she isn't bothering to disguise the fact you are not important enough to her, to even pretend to be interested and your brother is genuinely not that bothered and it is hurtful to think that he doesn't love your kids the way you do.

You can't always treat each side of the family the same.
Dh's family has decided they do secret santa because they can't be bothered with the hassle of buying presents. My family we buy each person.
Dh's brother decided that he wasn't going to buy his siblings presents one year. Pity he didn't have the manners to tell them before they had bought him presents not just that year but 2 subsequent ones too.

So dh's side aren't even consistant among themselves, as the other siblings give and receive presents. Just Scrooge doesn't want to.

YAB a bit U

It's a shame your brother is a bit lazy about meeting up but I don't see why it is his wife's "responsibility" to force him. If she is close with her sister and does more with her kids then that is nothing against your kids and family.

I agree 90 min away is actually quite far.

I could have written that op. My SIL lives 15 mins away, her mum lives opposite my mum and she is over there all the time yet we never see my nephews unless she wants me to have them overnight. My brother works very long hours and most weekends but brings the boys over when he's not.

For my dd's birthday she was given £5 in 50p's with no card yet sil's niece had over £50 spent on her, a sleepover and huge card and balloons. I'm used to being a second class citizen but I see red when its rubbed imo my dd's face.

Don't think it's down to the sister in law, more your brother. He doesn't have his own kids so mayb he's just not at that stage where he actively thinks about things that you take for granted when you have kids. You can't do much, you can't force him. Maybe try involving him more. My brother asks about my son but that's about it... He's not at that stage where he understands having children. My DH was the same with his nieces and nephews until we had our own.

I could write an OP just like this. SIL and my brother had a birthday party for their DD (similar age as DS) just for her cousins. By which they meant SIL's sisters' children. I used to get irritated by it but life is just too short.

I could write an OP just like this. SIL and my brother had a birthday party for their DD (similar age as DS) just for her cousins. By which they meant SIL's sisters' children. I used to get irritated by it but life is just too short.

Sounds like my brother and his wife. Sometimes I feel a bit sad that they don't want to be very involved in dd's life, especially as my father is equally disinterested, my mother is dead and DH's family are overseas, but you can't make people care. My friends make wonderful substitute aunties and uncles instead.

Have you called them and specifically invited them over? I think visiting their town because your parents live there is not the same as going to visit them personally too.

It is sexist to expect your SIL to make the effort with her Dh's side of the family. That is your brother's responsibility.

Do you expect your brother to make an effort with her side of the family too? Perhaps that is another thing you could take up with him.