Is it unreasonable for a parent to ask their child to shut up?

[lostboysfallin]

4.5
Not being naughty
Singing, dancing, chat chat chat

HaHa Bodyof

I guess I'm being unreasonable
It's not me, it's dh
He can't cope with the noise.
But he can't ask nicely, just expects me to quiten him, which doesn't happen immediately.
And he needs constant reminders.
I feel sorry for DS, i work hard on his behaviour all the time, dh hasn't the first clue.

You might invite your dh to consider the point of all these "shut up" commands since it is clear they don't work. Is there any particular reason why he can't cope with the noise? Only he sounds a little unrealistic.

Tbf, he hasn't said shut up directly.
That phrase is strictly forbidden in our house, DS tells other kids off if they say it!
He's stressed, he's got a headache, his ears are ringing.
He slept all day yesterday.
He's not getting ill, this happens all the time
He just can't cope with the noise
I think he's being an arse, but we have other issues

I just think it's normal family life with kids but he says it's not

The really sad thing is that a lot of the exuberance is just being happy that his daddy is here. And i can see him looking at dh to get his attention. Ie, trying to be funny dancing cos he knows I laugh and wants daddy to laugh too. Dh not even watching.. He doesn't see him much during the week

I am hard of hearing so my DD has to learn to speak clearly not whisper but I do know some people have super sensitive hearing and normal noise can really hurt their ears, it is not treatable and it can make life difficult for them
my sister can hear a small clock ticking 2 rooms away when DD was a baby i had baby monitor on I could not hear a sound even when put it next to my ear she could hear "white noise " 10 metres away it stops her sleeping often

so it is possible DH has a real problem with noise if that is correct at 4.5 I think they need to learn to be quieter when Dh close by just like if you had really bad sight they would need to learn not to leave toys as trip hazard

if DH has a headache it is reasonable to ask a child to be quieter

on the other hand DH needs to engage with him and choose quieter activites or places like outside where noise does not matter so much

I think you need to talk to Dh about moise in general to see why it hurts his ears/ head etc or if he is just impatient

If there are other issues then it will matter in that context lostboys.

We have a mostly happy, easy going home life (now), do quite a lot with the DC's, share each other's interests, and lots of positive stuff (although it can, and has been very different).
So telling DD she is pickling my brain, with a smile, seems to work, gently, where as before Ex left with whom we also had 'other issues', he would say things like (when DS was telling him a story about a friend) ''is there a point to this DS because I am really not interested in X's home life?''

I suppose I am trying to say that if DH has problems, that impact on his ability to deal with DC's, then they need sorting, as much as DC's need to learn to hush down sometimes to give other people some peace.

yanbu. I say it when I'm at snapping point.

But as bumping has already said they will say it back to you at some point.

Honestly, he's just impatient, and grumpy because he's stressed and tired.
The hearing/headache are just things he brings up so he doesn't look like an ogre.
Everything DS does annoys or irritates him and he tells him off or not to do things all the time, which causes trouble.
E.g DS had a juice box this morning and he asked daddy if he could make something with the straw, daddy says no and puts it in the bin. Cue crying from DS, who comes to me and asks if he can make something, I say yes of course we can. Not knowing dh has said no. But what's the big deal? He says no to everything.
DS had a rock in the car, pretending it was a dinosaur bone, dh made a big fuss and wanted him to put it in the boot
I've talked and talked to him about picking your battles but dh wants immediate compliance with everythng

A lot of it is because he doesn't know what DS can do or is capable of. Eg, he thought DS would throw the rock at me when I was driving, while I know he is good in the car and would know better than to throw anything
Also, when we are doing crafty stuff, he always makes a big deal about which scissors DS has. I've told him he's really sensible and has been cutting out for a year now.

DS is undoubtedly a handful and I do have a lot of patience, and tolerance, but it upsets me that ds just annoys him and I don't feel like he's trying at all.

He's given up now and gone in the other room and is asleep again

I sympathise! I have a 4 and a half year old very boisterous boy. I'm pretty patient with him, its sort of become white noise to me (!) but I have a threshold. Example, we just were driving home from a day trip, about an hour drive and he was singing the "Day of the Diesels" theme on a loop. I thought he'd tire of it. He didn't. 20 minutes into the journey I asked him to perhaps sing it "inside his head"... I mean, 20 minutes? TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES!!!

Erm.

Generally I let him prat around and be noisy as he's also being active and whilst its tempting to "DVD" him, its not in his best interests if he has energy he has to burn, so I try and get him out and about as much as poss, he should have started school last year really but was born 8 days too late

Roll on September

OP - my DH was like yours when they were little. He didn't understand about playing and spontaneity and mess. DH's father didn't either and he never passed on the skills to him. However, DH got much much better as they got bigger and he handles our 17 year old ds much better than I do nowadays. I say no - it's not up for argument. DH will sit and debate and look up points of law and political history. I just get irritated because I know better I am 35 years older and undertand more about the consequences.

Does your DH have tinnitis? My dad was the same with us re noise, TV, etc and since it fully developed and he now wears special hearing aids he's totally different with the 2 DGS's.

The rock thing etc is probably as you say him not knowing DS but he won't get to know if if he can't get close to him due to the noise thing iyswim?

I honestly don't think it's anything major
He works in a very noisy environment and seems to function ok there
Just us he loses patience with.
He's been asleep For most of the day again.
Woke up, says he's poorly. Bollocks.
But he does acknowledge that he's ruined the weekend and just been grumpy with DS which isn't fair

In your case no YANBU, a child will get noisy and giddy and excitable sometimes. Does your DH want to change or does he think he is right? I can be a U parent sometimes but admit my failings and know I should do better to control my temper and such... Ask DH how he would like DS to remember his childhood and his childhood relationship with his Daddy. My Dad was a bit like your DH and as much as I love him, it has affected my adult relationship with him. My Dad is far worse with little boys though & had a strained relationship with my lovely DS. DS tries to impress him by showing off, my dad gets cross, DS pulls away from my dad, dad gets hurt but expresses it by being all gruff and cross.