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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

whose being UR, money issue

27 replies

laughlovelife · 05/05/2012 20:25

my "D"M, who has/wrong diagnosed with bipolar, has recently been diagnosed with social behavioural disorder/tendencies towards bipolar, after nearly 8 years with bipolar diagnosis, die to this my mum has had to change her benefits claim to the new diagnosis, which is now under the decisions panel (never claimed benefits, so I info may not be correct, but is the gist from what I have been told/understand it).

Due to the new claim, my mum hasn't been paid for 5 weeks and has no money, last week I had to pay my aunt £200 as mums landlord had his heavies to boot her out the house, due to missing the months rent, (no HA as has been stopped until new claim put through). Now mum has been told that her claim is awaiting decision and can be another 4 weeks until the decision is through, (so 9 weeks, possibly 12 weeks) if that decision is declined she has to wait another 3 weeks for new JSA claim to go through.

DH has said NO!! to anymore money, mum in the meantime has borrowed £90 and £30 from another sister, and £695, from me, aunt and sister, to pay rent, for her.

Now I want to send mum another £30 as she is currently sitting with no heating or electric, and only has enough food until Monday, so whose being UR.

me and my mum dont have the best relationship, simply due to her bipolar, and thinking of herself and only herself, we probably wont get the money back, but I feel she is my mum, and I should help her, dh is refused point black to help her further, due to her treatment of the family, which is a long story, but true.

OP posts:

missmalteser · 05/05/2012 20:35

If I had it I would send it, I couldn't know anyone was sitting with no electrons or food/heating and not help out

missmalteser · 05/05/2012 20:35

Electric!

HecateTrivia · 05/05/2012 20:36

If her behaviour is due to her being bipolar, then I suppose you have to ask yourself if she can be blamed for having a mental health problem. Do you blame someone for a behaviour that they display due to an illness or disability? Do you expect someone with an illness or disability to ensure that they don't display the symptoms of that illness or disability? Yes, the behaviour has a negative impact on you and it is understandable to resent it. But do you resent the condition or the person? You can resent the condition while understanding that the person is a victim of it. iyswim.

That said, if giving her the money is going to affect your relationship with your husband - should you do it?

OTOH - husband cross v mother hungry and cold?

It's a difficult situation to be in.

I'd give her the money. Give, not lend. And I'd remind my husband that bipolar is a disability and you don't blame someone for not being able to hear you if they're deaf...

AgentZigzag · 05/05/2012 20:38

Neither of you are being unreasonable to me, you want to help your mum and your DH is being understandably cautious about giving her more.

It's not fair she's been left high and dry being reassessed, I know it's not a solution, but the ultimate responsibility lays with whichever benefits office stopped her money. WTF do they expect people to survive on??

Short term, your mum looks like she has no choice but to fall back on family members, and I would say that should override your DHs objections, but after giving her so much already you must be going short yourselves aren't you?

Original poster

laughlovelife · 05/05/2012 20:40

aw, she thats where the confusion lies, my mum plays on her MH, shes admits this, dh knows his!, I gave aunt/mum the £200 without consulting dh as I knew what his answer would be, and I would give my mum the money, I dont expect her to pay us it back.

I know if I gave it to her, dh would NOT be happy, and would stop speaking to me, rightly and understandably so, however at the end of the day its my mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

laughlovelife · 05/05/2012 20:43

Yes, AZ we are, I was made redundant a few months back, and we are surviving on dh wage, until I get another job, the £200 I gave her, was in our overdraft, now paid off, as I got a tax rebate, but we can afford £30 to send.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 05/05/2012 20:50

'husband cross v mother hungry and cold?'

Seeing as simply put as that, and helping someone who's hungry and cold seems the obvious choice, but because it's happened before and will probably happen again it's finding help for the next one.

Your DH is saying no because he knows that even though you can afford it now, you can't afford the next 6 times it might happen.

Again with you sending her the 200 without telling him, I can understand why you did that and why he was pissed off you went behind his back.

It's a real dilemma.

Does your mum deal with the benefit office herself or is there someone who helps her?

sam86 · 05/05/2012 20:52

Cant she apply for a crisis loan in the mean time, that would give her money for food and electric at least? I'm not sure what their rules are when it's in-between claims but clearly she is in a crisis situation.

HarrietJ0nes · 05/05/2012 20:57

Is there a food bank that would help too? Does she have MH workers supporting her?

Original poster

laughlovelife · 05/05/2012 20:59

she cant get a crisis loan, as she owes them over £1000, not her fault, but them stopping and "reassessing" her claim every 3-4 months, this is a constant stress for her, I have said I will get the MP involved and the papers etc... as this happens a lot, not just for her but others in her position also, which puts her MH back and then we need to start over again.

I agree AZ, I know what I want to do, but dont want to fall out with dh over it.

OP posts:

Original poster

laughlovelife · 05/05/2012 21:02

she does, have MH workers, and she attends them, however they specialise in helping her socialise with the public, as she cannot atm, be in contact with anyone out pf her circle.

she deal with all her financial implications herself, and wont allow others, which is why we are in the position we are, I dont know about food banks I am in a different country from her.

OP posts:

rhondajean · 05/05/2012 21:03

Is she in an ha property?

Just to clear that up because that changes the rent situation if her HB claim is suspended.

Original poster

laughlovelife · 05/05/2012 21:06

No she is PR, and gets HA to pay landlord.

OP posts:

rhondajean · 05/05/2012 21:07

Ah that's harder then sorry.

I can see both sides of this story. Just remember, putting yourself in financial problems to help her out can't be good, can she speak to the cab? They are usually very helpful.

AgentZigzag · 05/05/2012 21:31

It's finding a way of your DH feeling comfortable giving her a bit more money so she's not cold/hungry, but in a way he can see a closer end date in sight.

It's really should be with the benefits, but getting an end date from them would be blood from a stone.

Very frustrating.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 05/05/2012 21:47

It's a horrible situation for you to be in, but you have already helped your Mum a lot and i can understand why your husband is reluctant to give your mum more money. It may only be £30 this time, but what about next time? It has already been a lot of money and could add up to a lot more.

Ultimately I think your loyalty should lie with your husband. Maybe there are MH charities that could help?

marriedinwhite · 05/05/2012 22:14

I can't add anything useful. I'm sorry. Can you go to CAB to make sure your mum is getting optimum help without you giving her money you can't afford to give. I couldn't turn my back on my mum even though we don't have a good relationship. Can you get another job and give your mum a small allowance?

carernotasaint · 05/05/2012 22:23

They dont tell you this but under the 1992 Housing regulations you get Housing Benefit if you can prove you are on a low or no income.

missmalteser · 05/05/2012 22:31

Is your mum without heating and electric at the moment? Is there anyone she can go and stay with short term?

kelly2525 · 05/05/2012 23:37

If my mother was cold, hungry and sitting in the dark and I had the money to pay for food, gas and electricity to her, then there would be no question about it, infact even if I didn't have the money I'd beg borrow or steal it.

Hopefully my child would do the same if I was ever in that position.

Charities, benefits etc might help in the future, but the woman is cold and hungry now.

AgentZigzag · 05/05/2012 23:40

But it's not just about the OPs mum not being able to afford heating and food kelly, there's more to it than that.

The OP wants to give her mum the money, it's her DH who has understandable reservations.

TidyDancer · 05/05/2012 23:48

If I knew my mum needed money for that reason and that's what the money was going towards, I would defy DP's wishes on it. I know that's not what everyone would do, but DP being cautious vs my mum going hungry, well there's no contest. And I would expect him to do the same with his mum.

inabeautifulplace · 06/05/2012 00:07

Husband cross versus mum cold and hungry. Surely that's a no brainer? I understand that your H is worried it might end up as a continuous drain on family finances. But if you can afford it then you should definitely send her the money. I guess it's complicated by the things she's done to your H? They'd have to be pretty awful to justify living family hungry though. Hope things get better for her soon...

kelly2525 · 06/05/2012 00:07

I know Agent and I would guess with the mum not being on the right medication or not taking it she's probably been a pain in the arse at times, and she sounds a bit feckless with money, but OP's mum has no heating and only enough food for one day.

OP you wanted opinions, mine is I couldn't stand the idea of anyone I know being cold and hungry, let alone my own mother, and I wouldn't let anyone tell me I couldn't help her, I certainly couldn't sit down and eat dinner in my warm house, knowing my mother had no food.

You know she's going to struggle until she gets her benefits sorted out, and will probably ask for money again, help her, she may get on your tits (most of them do at some point) but you could be her in 20yrs, you may need to rely on your own kids for financial help.

AgentZigzag · 06/05/2012 00:17

I agree with you kelly, definately, but it's choosing to go behind the OPs DHs back if he feels so strongly about it. I presume the OPs DH isn't some hard hearted monster, he knows the mum is struggling at the minute, I'm sure it wasn't a knee jerk reaction to her current problem.

Just thinking on the crisis loan, don't 'they' (whoever is sorting her benefits) have some duty of care over the OP's mum does anyone know?

So she owes them a grand and probably at the limit of what she can borrow, but don't they have to look after her regardless of what she owes them?

Or is this the case of a place where someone can fall through the net?

I can believe they'd do it, but surely there must be something while she waits for them to get their act together?

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