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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Father's contact with children - Am I being unreasonable?

25 replies

Bluesky22 · 05/05/2012 19:54

Potted history. Ex and I split up after affair and I moved back to be close to my family to support bringing up my 2 young children (200 miles from our marital home). Ex moves too, gets new job and sees kids every 2 weeks. He then meets someone and eventually moves 360 miles away. Now 4 - 7 weeks pass between each visit. Some visits have been missed and dates changed. Communication scant ie I send texts and they are ignored for days. Always have to chase for final confirmation of arrangements. Agreed that every 3 weeks, I would drive 270 miles with kids to meet him (ie a 4 hour round trip after a full week at work), the other 3rd week, he'd come to where the kids live. This has not been met, with the majority of time me driving the 270 miles. He actually wanted me, on occasion to drive the 800 miles to him in one weekend (with me having to stay locally whilst kids with him). One time I refused to drive on the Friday night because I wouldn't get home until after 11pm. Instead, as a compromise, I offered to drive them first thing in the morning ie he'd lose effectively about 2 hours of time with them as they'd have been going straight to bed on the Friday night. Ex thinks i'm being unreasonable. I'm mostly fed up because I want a routine for the kids and to let them know exactly when they'll see their dad. All I want is clear communication. I'm tearing my hair out and feel the kids are being mucked about. Should I be travelling further with the kids so my ex doesn't have to do most of the travelling?

OP posts:

AnitaBlake · 05/05/2012 20:00

I think you are being fair driving more than 'your share' of the distance you have moved tbh. You are letting him dictate though. I would agree a drop-off point with him and say that you will be at X etc., and leave it at that tbh.

rhibutterfly · 05/05/2012 20:02

sorry to be nosey OP but was it your husband who had the affair, if so and then he chose to move further away from the children then why are you bending over backwards to make his life easier, if he wants to see his kids he'll make the effort and if he keeps letting them down and upsetting them i'd go through the courts so he has to stick to the agreement, Good luck x

TidyDancer · 05/05/2012 20:05

I think given that you've both moved, the arrangement you're proposing seems fair.

I would offer that and if he messes you around, don't offer an alternative. I think you've done enough to facilitate the contact.

TidyDancer · 05/05/2012 20:06

That's a good point, rhibutterfly. I assumed from the OP that the ex had the affair, but I could've been wrong.

squeakytoy · 05/05/2012 20:08

I assumed from OP that OP had the affair..

Original poster

Bluesky22 · 05/05/2012 20:11

Yes he had the affair. I moved away first though to be close to my family for support. He followed, to be fair, and was close to the kids for a few years. Then he chose to move 400 miles away. His argument is that he moved and made the effort so it's my turn now. However, I think I do make effort - my bugbear is that he doesn't communicate, doesn't stick to a pattern and lets them down. He thinks I should do more because he says he sacrificed things to be close to the kids for a few years and now it's my turn....

OP posts:

Original poster

Bluesky22 · 05/05/2012 20:12

New to this... What's OP and where can I find out what these things mean?!!

OP posts:

babybythesea · 05/05/2012 20:15

OP means original poster - in this case, you!

Original poster

Bluesky22 · 05/05/2012 20:17

Ah .... thanks!!! NO, I was NOT the one who had the affair! It was my ex..... Did not split up straight away... I threw everything into saving our marriage and became a different person. He made very little effort and showed no remorse for the affair....

OP posts:

rhibutterfly · 05/05/2012 20:22

Yes you moved first but only because HE destroyed your marriage, encouraging the relationship between your ex and children is enough in my eyes, he needs to do the travelling in my opinion

RandomMess · 05/05/2012 20:26

How old are the dc now?

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/05/2012 20:42

"I moved away first though to be close to my family for support. He followed, to be fair, and was close to the kids for a few years. Then he chose to move 400 miles away. "
So, when you say he followed, he moved to the same area as you? So far so good, you were both in the same area, so far so even. But then he moved again. Completely his choice. I'm not sure I'd be willing to do any of the driving at all in these circumstances. It's not a case of 'your turn now' IMHO.

GateGipsy · 05/05/2012 20:49

What the others have said. YANBU. I would say that the children make a difference here though. How old are they? I would say that the long term benefits of them having time with their dad would be worth it for you. I don't mean that you should do the whole 800 miles. You're already making a big effort meeting him half way, and should stick to that. And stick with insisting it is a fixed routine etc. But keeping all this away from the kids.

(am speaking here from my experience)

He needs to step up a bit more though and realise that the kids are important, not him. However that's not your job or something you should try and fix. Just focus on what you need to do to ensure the kids are getting some time with their dad and that's it. It is really only for a very short time in the end, and one day they will appriciate it. And if you think they don't know - don't. They do know even if it doesn't seem like it now and at some point from now they'll let you know how much they appreciated it.

Finally I just want to say - your ex is a tosser!

Original poster

Bluesky22 · 05/05/2012 22:48

Thanks folks... Been getting into a right old state wondering what else I can do, but I don't think I can. Think it's down to him now. Kids now 10 and 12. :-)

OP posts:

RandomMess · 06/05/2012 13:48

Hmm just wondering how long until you get use of public transport involved - you put them on the coach/train at one end and he collects at the other!

Olympia2012 · 06/05/2012 14:39

Must be costing you a small fortune in petrol!

redwineformethanks · 06/05/2012 14:45

In legal terms I'd think that who had the affair isn't relevant. Usually I'd expect the non -resident parent to travel for contact visits. Think he should be grateful that you're offering to do any driving to help out. If term time visits are too far for him to travel to collect them, how about generous holiday contact instead?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 06/05/2012 14:47

Tell him you'll see him in court. Then you'll find out if he actually wants to see them, or just wants to use them to piss you off.

Triggles · 06/05/2012 14:59

She wouldn't be able to use public transport in that way unless he was reliable. What if she sent the children on the coach or train and he didn't show up on the other end??

RandomMess · 06/05/2012 15:06

They get back on and come back!!! They're a little young yet tbh but travelling together if there was a direct line that would make a huge difference in the parental travelling it could make a difference.

For example travelling from Newcastle to peterborough and each of them having to drive 45 minutes each to the stations - just an idea.

It would be up to the ex to book and pay for the tickets so he would have to commit to the dates etc or pay far more for them if leaving it to the last minute

McHappyPants2012 · 06/05/2012 15:09

If I was living apart my dc I would move heaven and earth to see them.

lunamoon · 06/05/2012 15:13

Could you seek legal advice?
Get things on a more definitive basis.
I really do not think it is on for a parent to pick and choose when they see their children.
If the arrangement is he sees the kids once a month for say, 2 nights then that arrangement should sick no matter what the hell else is on offer in his life.
He sounds like a twat tbh.

I understand how draining it is to not have definate plans.
If you do get firm arrangements then I would also second public transport.
If your ex objects to this then hios only option is to do all the driving himself. This objection would also hightlight that he isn't that interested in his kids but rather the control element he has over you, when actually it isn't your problem or concern how he makes his transport arrangements.

Good luck.

lunamoon · 06/05/2012 15:16

Oh and another thing, he is using the love you feel for your dcs to force you into complying with his plans.
Ie he knows at the moment that you will do all the running so that your dcs don't suffer. If he really wanted to see them then he wouldn't have moved away, or he would be willing to travel to see them.

RandomMess · 06/05/2012 15:20

lunamoon I completely agree with you. He is yanking your chain knowing that you will do everything you can do facilitate contact.

"No" is a complete sentence.

No - I can't afford to share the driving anymore
No - I don't have the time to share the driving anymore
No - I can't agree to an ad hoc schedule

and so on

If he takes you to court, self represent worse case you will have to share the travelling but will end up with fixed contact so you will know where you stand!

Original poster

Bluesky22 · 06/05/2012 23:47

Thanks all.... got to a point where I thought I was the one being unreasonable but don't think I am. Will now stick to my guns and see what transpires! Know it'll be tough on the kids initially, but hopefully, he'll eventually see sense and reach the compromise I'm aiming for...

OP posts:

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