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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be tired of my husband not being straight with me?

26 replies

bistokids · 05/05/2012 11:52

Dh keeps telling me he's doing one thing and doing another when it's too late for me to protest. We have a two year old who's quite hard work and a six year old too.

For example, a couple of weeks ago, we both had the day off work. He took DD to school and then rang me on his way home to say he'd gone to the golf driving range (this is the second time he's done exactly this).

When the kids were babies and I was on maternity leave, he would often go somewhere on his way home from work (for example, to get a haircut) without telling me what his plans were. I'd have been alone with the baby for 12 hours and I'd be desperate for him to get home. Sometimes he'd finish work early and never think to come home but go and do something else.

Last night he said he was planning to go to the driving range this morning 'to hit a few balls'. This usually takes about an hour. It was his turn to have a lie in, so I was up at 6.15am. He got up at 8.15am, had a shower and then told me he was actually driving to pick his brother up, going to the golf range, taking his brother back etc. I have no idea if he's staying there for lunch.

I feel like he keeps 'dumping' on me. I frequently get left for 7 hours or so with the kids and it's usually without prior agreement, I only find out when I've agreed to something else (like today).

It's pissing me off. I guess it shows he thinks he has the freedom to come and go as he pleases. I feel like I'm his 'childcare.'

I do things for myself occasionally (e.g. go to the gym, but this is for a regular period and I don't phone him and reveal 'extra' info after I've left). I go out with friends sometimes but that's when the kids are both in bed.

We both work, BTW. Would this piss you off too, or am I being all premenstrual?

OP posts:
reallypissedoffhouseseller · 05/05/2012 12:23

YANBU, and you know it. It would seriously piss me off. Why does he think that that's an OK way to behave? Is he a selfish jerk in other ways?

You need to do the same to him - he won't get why it's upsetting you otherwise. One Saturday, get up early and swan out of the house to meet friends and go out for lunch and the cinema (or get your hair cut, or whatever). If you do that a couple of times and leave him doing all the childcare, he may work out that actually, it's not all right for him to do it either.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 05/05/2012 12:31

It wouldn't piss me off.

Because it wouldn't happen.

Talk to him, tell him exactly how you feel and exactly what you expect to change. Plain speaking, no misunderstanding.

If he does it again - do what 'reallypissed' off said until he gets it.

There is no way what he is doing is reasonable or acceptable.

reallypissedoffhouseseller · 05/05/2012 12:34

I've never thought of myself as 'reallypissed', Chippingin, but I quite like it....

iloveACK · 05/05/2012 12:37

I'm with chipping!

ImperialBlether · 05/05/2012 12:39

Well, to play his game she'd have to go out for a newspaper and not come back for twelve hours.

The thing is that most mums don't like to do that. They don't want their children wondering where they are. They know that it's rude to expect someone else to do all the childcare without notice.

He clearly sees himself as almost like a single man. He can do whatever he wants to do and doesn't have to explain himself to anyone. You are the 'mum' figure who takes care of everything so that he can lead the life he wants.

Does he show other signs of thinking he's single?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/05/2012 12:45

YANBU... you're being taken for granted and his life has no restrictions. Next time he pulls this stunt remind yourself that 'no' is a complete sentence.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 05/05/2012 12:52

ReallyPissed Grin I did actually have the 'off' there - just the fat fingers put the space and the ' in wrong place... but yeah, 'reallypissed' must be better than 'reallypissedoff' Grin

Imperial - I think if he doesn't get it after she has laid it all out for him, then popping out for a newspaper and not coming back until the kids bedtime is just fine. She could even tell the 6 year old that she was going out for the day if she wanted to - the kids will cope. Better a few days of doing this and hopefully making the twat see sense than that relationship breaking down over time.

OldGreyWiffleTest · 05/05/2012 12:56

You could always do what my elderly friend did (long story about controlling husband). She told him she was going to the hairdressers then caught a plane to Australia for her granddaughter's wedding (which he'd booked a plane ticket for her to go, then changed his mind 2 weeks before and said she couldn't go after all because he needed looking after).

He never got over it!

ImperialBlether · 05/05/2012 13:10

I've always thought it would be a good thing to do to shake some sense into someone, if there were no children involved or worried.

So, a partner is very abusive and you just get in the car and drive off and don't come back for a few days. Has anyone done that?

kittycatwoman · 05/05/2012 13:21

Has he got any redeeming qualities or is he always a bit of a knobber all the time ?

Stellarforstar · 05/05/2012 14:09

Might your 2yo enjoy a spell at the driving range?

NagooIsBuildingAnArk · 05/05/2012 16:29

Imperial I did once do similar...

DH didn't come home from the pub until 8am. I had work that morning, and he knew it was his job to look after the children. I took the DC to MILs and went to work, turned off my phone. DH had to ring up all our relatives to find out where his son was. The reception he got from family all knowing what he had done ensured he never ever did it again.

ImperialBlether · 05/05/2012 18:01

Good for you, Nagoo.

I was thinking more in terms of making them panic, but you went one better and made everyone give him a grilling. Hope he suffered!

loveisagirlnameddaisy · 05/05/2012 18:10

OP, have you ever told him how you feel? Men can often be quite blind to what's going on around them and might be assuming you're fine with the status quo. My partner has very similar tendencies but because he knows I expect support with the children, he is careful to communicate in advance and make sure I'm ok with it.

dondon33 · 05/05/2012 18:21

YANBU bisto and have every right to be pissed off. I'd be waiting like a feral dog to have his balls when he came back :)
It's unfair and selfish of him to do this to you. Of course everyone needs a few hours of "free time" but you are right he is treating you as his "child care"
I'm with ReallyPissed, you need to give him a taste of his own medicine.
Make a date with a friend to go shopping next weekend, tell DH but be vague about it "probably will be out a few hours huni, who knows" so then there's less chance of him making his own plans on your return.....then stay out til you decide to come back, obviously after he's juggled the kids, had to feed, bath and put them to bed. A nice little welcome to your world :)
Good luck x

Jinsei · 05/05/2012 18:22

I feel like he keeps 'dumping' on me. I frequently get left for 7 hours or so with the kids and it's usually without prior agreement, I only find out when I've agreed to something else (like today).

YANBU as everyone has said - he is definitely being an arse! But did he know that you had agreed to something else today, and if not, why hadn't you told him?

Not criticising you btw, just Confused

MadameChinLegs · 05/05/2012 18:31

It would be good if your DH could agree with you a rough time when he gets in on a work day. He could agree to being home sometime around 6. This way, if he gets an early finish he could go off and do something with that time, but if he doesnt he comes home and does bath bottle bed while you rest.

Something we do is have a calander which we each put stuff on as soon as we arrange it. So, if you are going to the hairdressers you write it in first and then if he wants/needs to do something with that time it's up to him to either rearrange/sort a sitter/ take the kids with him. Similarly, you could expect him home/to be in/around on those days when he hasnt put anythign in the calander?

And, if all that fails, get up early with the dcs one weekend morning (irrespective of if he is booked to go anywhere) and leave the house and let him get on with sorting the kids. Come home 7 hours later. Do not answer your phone in the meantime

ImperialBlether · 05/05/2012 18:32

You need a big calendar on the kitchen wall and both of you put on it your plans for the week ahead. Force him to do it every night.

Oh and tell him you're going to match the number of hours he has to himself.

MadameChinLegs · 05/05/2012 18:33

Grin great minds.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/05/2012 20:22

"He took DD to school and then rang me on his way home to say he'd gone to the golf driving range "

OK, this is how that kind of a telphne call SHOULD go :

Him: I've dropped DD at school, then decided to go to the golf driving range.

You: WHAT!?! Get your arse back here NOW you lazy selfish bastard, you have things to do here and I am SICK of picking up your slack. You have 30 minutes to get here, if not the chain goes on the door and it will only open again for your packed bags to be deposited on the doorstep.

And hang up. Grin

bejeezus · 05/05/2012 20:32

my XH did this allthe time. Ex.

IWantSummer · 05/05/2012 20:40

Mine does it aaaalllllllll the time.
If I want to do anything I have to arrange childcare etc. He just goes off.
Tonight perfect example-it's 8.30pm and he is not home. He finished work at 4pm.
No idea where he is or what he us doing.
We lead very very separate lives.
I need my own post in relationships but it's all too complicated for the 'leave the bastard' comments.

It's not good .
Back to my wine and chick flick

bejeezus · 05/05/2012 20:43

ah summer feeling for you....its horrid

I worked alot of stuff out inthe Relationship section-IME they are much gentler overthere, than on here

Downandoutnumbered · 05/05/2012 20:57

Second bejeezus; the women on Relationships are great. I posted on there once or twice under another name and got excellent advice.

DorisIsWaiting · 05/05/2012 21:05

How do you respond when he moves the goalposts?

Do you ever challenge him and say no, I want you to stick to the original plan. I have plans etc.

He thinks he's single

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