to write a complaint letter about the poor smelly lady in toddler group

[secretlyahippy]

Our local toddler group is held in the local church and it is lovely. The volunteers are great but its been getting quieter and quieter there. There is an elderly lady in her late 60's who helps out a bit and she obviously has a few issues (ie you can never get away if she starts chatting to you, is a known hoarder etc). Its difficult to get a rapport with her as you can never have a conversation with her - she just talks to you without taking a breathe.

The main problem is with her personal hygiene, she does have a very strong odour. This has gone on for years, there have been periods when its not been too bad (strong only when you stand about a foot towards her) to quite bad (the odour is very strong and pungent)

Recently though it has been terrible, the toddlers is held in a large hall and the whole room is completely overpowered by the strong smell. I used to be a homeless nurse and I never encountered anyone with such a strong odour.

Mums have been leaving in the middle of the session. Last week the smell was so bad that when she walked past I started to gag and when I looked at a few mums sitting alongside me - they were starting to gag too.

I spoke to the toddler leader who said that the church ladies have been having gentle chats with her many times over the years and it does improve but quickly deteriorates again. The leader has obviosuly had enough too and said that that nothing was done the last time she complained.

She has asked me to write a letter to the church who accepts her as a volunteer and asked me to get a few mums to sign it so that something will get done.

Something needs to be done as the smell really is unbelievable. I'm not sure what the cause is - she has obvious dental issues and her clothes are a bit grubby. I think though - it is just general self neglect and years and years of not washing. Its not good that she is in a workplace that looks after small children and babies (although she never interacts with them). However, she is obviously lonely and if I write this letter she be asked to leave and will spend all her time on her own in her cluttered house.

when I say 'these women at the group' I mean the leaders, not the women who attend.

oh blardy hell - re final para I am cross with the leaders, not the women who attend.

Good post, Springy, well said.

I agree. I think that clubbing together to write a letter would be a dreadful thing to do. The poor woman clearly needs help.

It seems to me that the leaders have tried to refer the problem lady on for help. It hasn't worked. Unfortunately writing a letter may be necessary to get the right people to listen.
Does the church leader/minister ever visit the group? If not try and get him/her along and talk with them about it before/after.

Have you considered a conversation with a minister which says:
you've been asked to write because the leader(s) feel ignored;
it feels uncomfortable to do so;
you don't want to result in the lady being ostracized;
you realise that she needs support and prob. has a mental illness;
sadly parents are taking themselves and their children away from the group.

The leader isn't trying to dodge the issue by asking mums to put something on paper.

She has probably been asked to confirm (by whoever can do something about it - possibly SW, GP or mental health team) that 'the users' of the group are affected.

She may not want to discuss who has asked her to do it but it needs to be in writing and carry names to carry some weight and not be interpreted as a personal vendetta.

Complaints from 'users' are taken very seriously.

Good luck, hope the lady gets help

it is difficult but it needs addressing. I don't agree with writing a letter. The person in charge of the group needs to act as it is her responsibility. I used to help run a toddler group many years ago and we had one volunteer who had similiar issues. She used to turn up smelling really badly- she had learning difficulties and didn't wash every day or wash her clothes. The leader used to take her to one side and spell it out for her that she couldn't stay as she needed to go home and wash and change her clothes. the leader was the vicar's wife so she was diplomatic and tactful.
maybe the leader should do something similiar? Every time she turns up unwashed and smelly send her home.
I would also arrange a meeting with the vicar and try and help her as she obviously needs support.

Sounds like my old gp at the surgery. She absolutely reeked of BO. As soon as i opened the door it would hit me and take my breath away. It was awful. You wouldn't believe she was a gp she was so scruffy and slovenly with her dirty hair and clothes and very posh voice! She was ok but the smell made me choose another gp.

This is really tough. I believe you re 'gagging'.

I had a very close friend who really badly smelt - a very close friend. And yet none of us could bring ourselves to tell her, it was just so difficult and she was a very sensitive soul.

I once told her politely and discreetly 'Oh XX sorry but you are a bit whiffy' when we were in a night club as I thought as a 'one off' and context appropriate (sweaty club) moment it would be okay! She was upset and didn't take the hint.

It's just so personal. Also I always think if someone is not aware enough to know they smell, then they are unlikely to take a conversation on board.

Tough subject to deal with sensitively but if it's not dealt with the whiffer will be ostracized. Pussy footing around is not helping.

This woman could live a better life with more friends if her hygiene issues were resolved

Gentle words and offers of support haven't worked over the years. She is a bit of a difficult character. I'll make an appointment with the vicar and chat to him