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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think it's no-ne else's business?

25 replies

Debsbear · 04/05/2012 16:06

Odd I know, because i'm posting it on here! Grin My husband has a decent wage and I work part-time (pretty much earn "pocket money"). We have a joint account, that he has almost complete control over. He looks after my debit card, every Friday he puts housekeeping money into a seperate account for me to use. I also get my wages, and if I want any extra I can ask and he ALWAYS gives it to me. My problem is that other people seem to take exeption to this on my behalf, when I am more than happy with the situation. Put simply, I am a walking disaster with a debit card. I never know how much money I have in my account, I always end up overdrawn on my account anyway, and we'd be in a complete financial mess if we didn't do it this way. I can understand people telling me that I need to be more responsible, but I get a bit annoyed that they seem to see him as the bad guy, I really don't portray it that way at all. If I'm happy, what has it got to do with anyone else?

OP posts:
ParsleyTheLioness · 04/05/2012 16:08

If it aint broke, don't fix it...

Pandemoniaa · 04/05/2012 16:09

Why do you tell people about the arrangement?

MissFaversham · 04/05/2012 16:09

Yes op but you must have told them your situation for them to be able to comment on it. If it's no-one elses business then don't tell them.

AdoraBell · 04/05/2012 16:10

If it suits you, both of you are happy with the arrangement, it's not a problem.

manicbmc · 04/05/2012 16:10

If it works for you, and you are happy with it, then I don't see the problem.

Debsbear · 04/05/2012 16:11

Pandemoniaa, normally because they wonder how come I'm always skint on a Thursday! Grin but can go out for lunch every Friday!

OP posts:
HecateTrivia · 04/05/2012 16:12

Don't tell them about it. Then they can't say anything.

Or tell them that it's the way that works for you and you weren't actually asking for their view on it.

Goolash · 04/05/2012 16:12

If it's working, carry on. but if you tell people things then they'll have an opinion about it.

GinPalace · 04/05/2012 16:12

Nothing. If he is doing these things for the right reasons (to help) and not the wrong ones (to control you) there is no need for them to worry.

But they are obviously worrying on your behalf... so why do you tell them the arrangements, and cause mutual discomfort?

You don't sound like you need to explain why you have run short, so what on earth makes you tell them anything , especially if you are unable to express it is a beneficial adult arrangement not a gilded cage situation.

I have never had cause to explain my joint financial set-up so I don't understand why it comes up for you. Confused

Pagwatch · 04/05/2012 16:12

The system is tine. Telling people about your financial arrangements is odd, especially when their response annoys you.
I can't think of anyone in real life who knows anything about my finances. But perhaps I am weird.

NervousAt20 · 04/05/2012 16:13

If its what your both happy with and you don't have a problem then it's fine, it's not anyone else's business but wondering how they even know about it? If you are happy with that arrangement then surely it's not something you talk to people about

OlaRapaceFru · 04/05/2012 16:13

Well, if you're not very responsible with money and you and your DH, together, are happy with your existing arrangement then, as you say, what on earth has it got to do with anyone else? Nothing!

Maybe you do need to learn a bit more financial responsibility.
But ... carry on doing you do what's best for you - as a couple. It's not doing anyone else any harm.

GinPalace · 04/05/2012 16:13

tell them you are dieting till thursday then like to enjoy 'Fat Fridays' - no-one any the wiser, everyone happy. :)

Pandemoniaa · 04/05/2012 16:13

I'd still avoid giving them chapter and verse, tbh. It's not unusual for anyone to have less money at certain times of the week - regardless of how they manage it.

mynewpassion · 04/05/2012 16:14

Well you do need to be more financially responsible. This will only be good in the long run. God forbid, if he wasn't there, would you plunge your family into financial ruin?

Other than that, don't tell anyone about your arrangements if you don't want comments. Because regardless of what the arrangement is like, people will stay say that you need to be more responsible about money if you are as bad as you say you are.

Pandemoniaa · 04/05/2012 16:14

PS. And every knows that Friday is out for coffee day don't they?

Sarsaparilllla · 04/05/2012 16:14

I agree, don't tell them I think som people tell people far too much unneccesary personal info - what works for you won't necessarily work for other people, just keep it to yourself and then you won't get any comments on it

Pagwatch · 04/05/2012 16:16

You could tell them you are dieting. Or you could say 'it's just the way I budget. You nosey cock'

Thumbwitch · 04/05/2012 16:17

I think your arrangement is probably the best for you both, under the circumstances as you describe them - and it really is no one else's business if it works for you - but I also think you should learn more financial responsibility, instead of laying it all on your DH's shoulders. What if something were to happen to him, God forbid? You'd HAVE to learn then, or be flat broke in no time - so get on with it now and LEARN self-control and self-management.

When my Grandpa died back in the 1980s, my Grandma hadn't the first clue how to deal with money. She'd never had a bank account, never written a cheque (not unusual in women of her era, to be fair) - and was at a complete loss. I'm not saying this would be you - but you would still be in potential dire straits if you had to take responsibility for it all right now, by the sound of it.

And also agree that you shouldn't tell other people about it - it's nothing to do with them! And quite impolite of them to ask, IMO.

OnTheBottomWithALightSaber · 04/05/2012 16:19

Just don't tell them! If it works for you, and you are very very sure it's not about hiim financially controlling you in an abusive way, it's only your business, not theirs.

However those people telling you to be more responsible do have a point.

You're an adult and should be able to control your own money in a responsible way.

I've seen lots of posts on here where women lose respect for partners that act in a childish way (whether to do with money, housework, childcare etc). Be very careful that's not you. Abdicating responsibility for basic life skills can be very wearing for the person picking up the slack.

Also think - what would happen if you suddenly had to take over the finances of the household - say if your husband had to work abroad for a year?

You could take small steps to take responsibility back - for instance, can you do the money transfer for the housekeeping each Friday, and give him back the card immediately afterwards? If that's successful, can you then (for special purchases such as birthdays) take the card for a day, ONLY do that transaction, and then put it back in a mutually agreed place where the card should live?

I keep a spreadsheet each month (in work, v easy to check a couple of times a day) where I have all my incomings and outgoings. Every week or so I check my bank balance, I note what direct debits haven't been paid yet, so I know how much needs to be in the account to meet these, and any extra is for luxuries/outings etc. I'm not naturally good with money, but I find the more monitoring I do, the better I get. The point is, I made myself better at managing my finances, and now I don't have to gird my loins (mentally) to check the level of my overdraft every month. Plus it's my own skill, so I never have to rely on anyone 'policing' my spending.

Kladdkaka · 04/05/2012 16:20

I'm exactly the same. My husband has full control of the finances because if it were down to me bills would be forgotten, mortgage money would go on chocolate and jaffa cakes, and we'd all be living in a box under a bridge somewhere. I don't even get housekeeping money because I hate shopping so make him do that too. So long as he keeps my WoW subscription up to date and happily goes off to buy me cake a nice healthy snack when I get the munchies late at night, I'm a happy bunny.

valiumredhead · 04/05/2012 16:21

Just don't tell anyone else.

OnTheBottomWithALightSaber · 04/05/2012 16:22

X posted with everyone! Must type faster...

QuickLookBusy · 04/05/2012 16:23

I think your arrangement is great if it works for you both. It is no one else's business. But if you feel the need to tell them something just say you have a weekly budget so by Thursday you are a bit skint. You don't need to go into lots of detail.

Also could you not ask DH for an extra £10 so you aren't skint on a Thursday? Or would you have it spent by Wednesday? Wink

Debsbear · 04/05/2012 16:30

Quicklookbusy - of course I would have! Wink

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