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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My Mum won't speak to me.

46 replies

Mirabelle12 · 04/05/2012 14:34

I've recently been told that my 3 year old DS is deaf - bad enough news but then I found out that my 7 year old half sister has been bullying him because of it. I was minding her at the weekend - she had a tantrum when I took HIS toys off her - I snapped and smacked her once on the bum. Now my mum (and her's obviously) won't speak to me despite the fact she smacked me when I was little!!!AIBU?????

OP posts:

SerendipitousHarlot · 04/05/2012 15:15

It's good isn't it? I got it from DP. Not that I've ever seen him go tonto

Original poster

Mirabelle12 · 04/05/2012 15:17

AgentZigZag - my mum's really stubborn and does alot of shouting but not alot of talking! Things have been difficult between us for a while - she gets angry that my DS's grandfather (on his dad's side) spoils him rotten while she works two jobs - I guess it's all a bit of a mess really. I don't really know where to start to try and fix things.

OP posts:

GrahamTribe · 04/05/2012 15:17

:) It's really cool, Serendipitous.

SerendipitousHarlot · 04/05/2012 15:18

Can't you ask your mum & your sister to meet up with you and have it out? You can only say sorry.

diddl · 04/05/2012 15:21

I think that all you can do is apologise to both of them & then leave it up to your mum.

Did you also tell her that she is bullying your son, as that can´t have been nice to hear?

Do/did you look after her regularly-although I´m guessing that your mum won´t want that now which is probably a good thing.

everlong · 04/05/2012 15:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

manicbmc · 04/05/2012 15:43

I get the whole bu reasonable to smack the half sister - that's a given.

However, I'd not be having her round if she's 7 and still has tantrums (unless she is sn and there's a reason) and I'd not be letting her pick on your ds because he's deaf.

There must be agencies out there that can help you with what to do next re the deafness?

If your relationship is strained with your mother, just leave her to stew for a bit.

gafhyb · 04/05/2012 15:49

Maybe write her a letter. Tell her that you really regret smacking him, and that you took your stress and anger out on him, which was wrong. Then leave it for her to contact you.

At a later date, once everything is sorted, and if it continues, mention the bullying, but keep the two things separate because she will not listen to you if you sound like you are trying to justify yourself.

gafhyb · 04/05/2012 15:51

sorry, that should have been you regret smacking her

OrmIrian · 04/05/2012 15:54

Do you smack your son? If not why not? Presumably you think that smacking is a suitable punishment as you doled it out to this little girl.

Did you apologies and say it was a heat of the moment thing?

OrmIrian · 04/05/2012 15:55

" I want to apologise but I can't take what I did back, if you know what I mean. So I'm not sure my mum is ready to listen..."

All you can do is try.

I can see you have a lot on your plate

boohoohoo · 04/05/2012 15:56

Do you know, you have a lot on your plate at the moment. Look you know you shouldn`t have smaked your sister but it sounds as though you could do with some support from your mum at the moment. Im sorry that you have just found out that your DS is deaf, that must be reallt difficult, what support are you getting? have you looked into BSL at all? There will be lots of support on the SN boards for you and your son.

Re the smack, all you can do is apologise without trying to justify at the moment.

AgentZigzag · 04/05/2012 15:56

The fact you want to find a place to make a start on trying to fix it is a good sign.

I was thinking the same thing as gafhyb about contacting her in a way she can't not read like a letter or email, telling her how sorry you are and you don't want it to be the end of your relationship.

I'm not sure whether this is a good time to have a big talk about the rest of your relationship or not. It's good because it's an opportunity to get everything out in the open and clear the air, but that would depend on whether you're both at a tipping point and dragging up things from the past might be the last straw.

And like gafhyb says, you don't want it to look like you're trying to excuse yourself on the grounds of being stressed because that looks like you're trying to shift responsibility.

boohoohoo · 04/05/2012 15:58

Mirabelle, meant to say, I can help with regard to BSL if you need.

sausagesandmarmelade · 04/05/2012 16:00

Oh dear...............

Why did you take your son's toys from her?

Did you need them....why didn't you ask first?

What sort of message does that send about sharing...and not snatching!

No wonder she threw a tantrum.

Badly handled situation all round, I think!

RightBuggerforit · 04/05/2012 16:17

Your mum might've smacked you when you were little, but I bet she wouldn't have let your sister smack you! It's not really the same is it.

I wouldn't look after her again if I were you. If she was bullying the 3 year old and you only found out afterwards then maybe they both need more supervision than you can give, and more patience than you've got going spare at the moment too.

Sorry to hear about your son's hearing loss. That must be hard to deal with, and if you can't cope with someone else's badly behaved child on top of everything else at the moment then just say no to having her anymore at the moment, your mum should understand.

Original poster

Mirabelle12 · 04/05/2012 16:38

Sausages - she had taken his toys without asking and hidden them - I know she's only 7 but I felt terrible for my DS who was distressed. I've explained his condition to her and she's asked questions about it - so I thought she understood (as much as is possible). I know I went at this the wrong way but I think my protective instincts just kicked in before I had a chance to think clearly.

OP posts:

DPrince · 04/05/2012 19:01

I am sorry but protective instinct doesn't make you smack a child because they have hidden your dc toys. I get you are stressed. Have you ever 'lost it' and smacked ds?

Shelby2010 · 04/05/2012 20:28

Mirabelle, it was a mistake to smack your sister, but you know that & it's not the end of the world. Worse things happen. Now you need to move on and try to repair your relationships. Text your Mum & apologise, I'm suggesting text rather than phone so that you can edit your message so it's not defensive/making excuses etc. If she doesn't reply then leave it a few days before following up with a phone call. After that the ball is in her court.

I'm sorry to hear about your son, but hopefully now he has a diagnosis then more help will follow. And I can understand you feeling very protective of him at the moment but I would suggest that 'bullying' is a bit of a harsh term, in this case it sounds like teasing that went too far, unless of course your sister has form for this? And I'm prepared to be flamed for suggesting that there is a difference between bullying and normal childish teasing..... so go for it!

Vessel · 04/05/2012 20:32

I dunno, shouldn't smack other's people's kids (or your own, I daresay) but on the other hand, it would be unnatural not to get defensive of your own LO, especially in that situation.

OAM2009 · 04/05/2012 21:28

That's the problem with these things, once done, you can't take them back I personally sympathise - you've had sad news about your son, he was being upset and in a momentary loss of control, you smacked her, which you now regret. I have a fiery temper too and sometimes struggle to control myself when faced with tantrumming children! We're all human.

You need to apologise to your mum. I would also reassure her that it won't happen again. It's up to her then. She might need some time but hopefully she will want to get back on good terms eventually

Good luck, hope it's all sorted out soon x

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