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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to choose who we give our baby stuff to?

21 replies

Molehillmountain · 04/05/2012 13:11

Dd2 is our third and final dc. People know this, and I'm comfortable with starting to get rid of the baby clothes and equipment, even though it's a little funny knowing this is it. Thing is, I'd like to choose where it goes, whether we donate, sell or give. A pg friend has asked me for a few bits and I feel as if I don't want to give them. Am I being controlling and therefore should just let go or is it my choice and so is she being cheeky?

OP posts:

TheSinglePringleWillicopters · 04/05/2012 13:12

I don't think you want to part with any of yet as it will make it final.

It is up to you where it goes.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 04/05/2012 13:13

YABU

I mean, really, what is the point in having friends if we are not going to help them when they ask us for help?

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 04/05/2012 13:13

She's not being cheeky, but you are being rather over the top about it. Either you want to give the stuff away or you don't. If you are not ready to give it away yet, then hang on to the stuff til you are.

No need to get ridiculous with your friend for asking.

YABU about calling your friend cheeky. YANBU about giving your stuff to whom you so choose.

VodkaJelly · 04/05/2012 13:14

It is up to you really, your clothes and you choose what to do with them. I am a big believer in giving to charity shops, some people give to friends and some sell on ebay, do what you think is best.

I dont think your friend is being cheeky as she has only asked for a few bits, but it depends on what they were, big things like prams/cots/car seats would be cheeky but a few baby grows are not cheeky.

KD0706 · 04/05/2012 13:15

On the face of it it sounds like YABU. Unless there's a specific reason you don't want to give the things to her, I think it's a bit mean to say no

Abbicob · 04/05/2012 13:15

YANBU - when I was pregnant I would not have dreamt of asking my friends for baby stuff. I was offered things and was glad to take things but I would not have asked.

You stick to your guns and just say you don't know what you're doing with it all yet.

OTheHugeManatee · 04/05/2012 13:17

Cheeky would be if she came round and helped herself to your baby stuff while you were out, on the basis that you're not going to use it again and 'she knew you wouldn't mind'. She's not being cheeky - she's just asking, and you have every right to say no if you don't want her to have it.

BerryLellow · 04/05/2012 13:17

Well she's being a bit forward, possibly. I wouldn't ask for items outright, but would let friends know what I needed to get hold of so they could help.

I think you just aren't ready to get rid yet. Just say that.

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/05/2012 13:20

I think she's being cheeky. It's not too bad asking for one thing if you were talking about getting rid of stuff anyway, and it's not so bad if she offered to buy what she wants. Or she could have asked to borrow.

I think it's rude to just come out and ask for someones things, wait to be offered or ask if you would consider selling, but don't just ask if you can have stuff, especially when it's stuff that is going to have an emotional attachment.

sausagesandmarmelade · 04/05/2012 13:25

Keep the things that you are sentimentally attached to and give away things that you don't need any more.

Your friend has swallowed her pride and asked if you would give her a few bits....why not oblige.

It really is more blessed to give than to receive! It's very rewarding being able to help others.

Clytaemnestra · 04/05/2012 13:33

Fair enough to ask, fair enough to say no.
Just say you're really sorry, but that's going to x and you're not quite ready to give up y.

Nothing wrong with asking although do be careful giving away things you're attached to. A good friend came round to pick up a load of DD's old clothes for her DD. She went through them, selecting what she wanted, and came to a mamas and papas dress that I'd previously given her in a smaller size (I buy bundles on ebay so end up with duplicates). It was DD's best party dress and I loved it. She said - "I'll take that, the other one has been perfect as a bib for weaning as it has such a big skirt."

I ranted at DH later had a little sniffle about the beautiful dress not being loved the way I had loved it knew I didn't have any rights to dictate how something is used after it's given away, but it still stung a bit.

girlywhirly · 04/05/2012 13:34

I don't think your friend is cheeky for asking but I don't think she should expect you to give them to her. A friend asked me if I had any summer maternity clothes she could buy from me as her previous pregnancy had been during winter. I was pleased to do so, she got lots of good use from them and I spent the money on new stuff for DS.

There's no harm in hanging on to stuff if you're not sure, but don't be caught out by lending stuff and then being disappointed if it comes back to you ruined. Much easier to let go altogether. But it is your choice how you do that.

DeWe · 04/05/2012 13:50

I have to say I wouldn't ask, and would feel a bit irritated at being asked unless it was either done as
a) That dress/buggy/anything is absolutely fantastic. If you're getting rid of it please contact me as I'd love to buy it off you when you're ready
b) I've heard you're getting rid of stuff. I'm looking to buy a are you looking to sell it
c) someone who I'd passed stuff on before

My response to those would be very much that they could have it (unless already promised to someone) and I wouldn't want paying.

Otoh if you phone up and say "Pfb has taken his first steps so he's walking. We'll come and get your stairgates as you won't need them" my response is firstly to point out we are still using them, secondly that they're already promised to someone... and thirdly (which I didn't say) if you ask like that I wouldn't give them anyway. Pfb was another 6 months before he actually did more than a step or two holding on and didn't crawl either, so they had lots of time to buy stairgates.

Quenelle · 04/05/2012 13:55

I don't think it's especially cheeky of her to ask. But if you want the stuff to go to a women's shelter or something YWNBU to say to your friend that you want to donate it.

I was a bit

Quenelle · 04/05/2012 13:56

Not sure what I was planning to say there so don't mind me

Original poster

Molehillmountain · 04/05/2012 14:20

As usual, Aibu really helpful in clarifying my thoughts. Dd is still using the things my friend has asked for, although she won't be by the time friends baby arrives. I think I need to accept that when I give stuff away it needs to be a bit faceless-I am going to have broody moments knowing me so don't want my baby stuff around all the time to remind me. A bit of a weakness but real all the same. I suppose it's also not how I'd go about it-we've accepted lots of stuff that's been offered over the years but never asked. I have to think about how I say it but I reluctantly accept that I'm not as gracious as some about all this. Can however give lots away to charity-bit weird but there you go. Will have to think of a response when/if she asks again nearer the time. I don't know her well enough to admit how petty I am.

OP posts:

PoohBearsHole · 04/05/2012 14:25

Molehill - its weird how things go isn't it, you would prefer someone faceless to have them whereas I would really love to know who is going to be using and appreciating my offerings funny isn't it? I am happy to sell to faceless strangers as I think we are both getting something from it and I can justify it to myself, but I would love my things to go to a friend and you can always say it is just being lent and you want it back!

DogEared · 04/05/2012 14:26

:o Quenelle

I don't think YABU. It's up to you what you do with the stuff and I can't ever imagine asking for stuff from my friends, especially stuff with sentimental value.

Geranium3 · 04/05/2012 14:39

I sort of know where you are coming from molehill though i've always liked to give dd's clothes away to friend's dc, fuunily enough though after dd3,my last baby, i did give a bag of babyclothes away to the local charity shop. But then overnight i sort of panicked that i hadn't kept any "baby dresses memories" and so went back to the charity shop the next day and bought back 2of dd3 smocked dresses that big ted and little ted look beautiful in!!

OutragedAtThePriceOfFreddos · 04/05/2012 14:46

If you don't know her well enough for you to show her your human weaknesses, then she doesn't know you well enough to ask you to give her your baby stuff!

Pandemoniaa · 04/05/2012 16:43

I know where you are coming from. I wasn't actually sentimental about ds1 & 2's outgrown clothes but I'd have been a bit po-faced if someone had demanded I pass them on.

I also had a friend who was guaranteed to reduce every garment to a filthy, crumpled shrunken mess and although I didn't say anything, it was with some sadness that I'd see her younger ds in the ruined remains of what had been rather nice clothes. Not that I had any rights over what I'd given away!

If you aren't ready to get rid of things just hold onto them until you are.

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