to ask dp to drop ds's mate home because I can,t bear to see pregnant mother

[ravenheart]

I have been tormented for the last couple of years or so ever since I was diagnosed as having premature ovarian failure at the age of 36 whilst ttc my second dc.
I can,t have my longed for 2nd dc and the sight of a pregnant woman makes me feel even more devastated at what I have lost.
Ds's friends mom is pregnant and I can,t bear to be around her the sight of her expanding stomach fills me with envy and so much despair and jealously that I don,t know how to deal with my feelings and I come away feeling heartbroken.
Do you think its okay to get dp to do the drop offs or do you think she will suspect eventually I am avoiding her.

Yes I think she will eventually suspect.

I'm sorry for the way you feel, but rather than avoiding pregnant people...which is obviously going to be a very difficult thing to do...can you not get some kind of help/counselling for the way you feel?

My Neighbour's ex wife refused to even look in my pram when my DS2 was born...for the same reason as you and she hardly ever spoke to me after that.

It was only after they divorced that I knew the reason why.

I think she'll guess. I had a friend avoid me for 2 years because she was unable to get pregnant naturally, and it hurt her to see me (I announced I was pg with DD1 just as she and her DH found out they needed IVF). I know she avoided me and I know why, so I am not hurt by it, just sad.

Aw . The counselling suggestion was a good one. Maybe your DP could have a quiet word with her to explain the situation. I can't imagine any woman, especially a pregnant woman, being unable to understand how hard it must be for you.

You can't live like that forever. You need to find a way to be thankful for your lovely son and let go of your sadness. If not you will be miserable all your life.

I'll think she'll guess. Counselling might help you to come to terms with it. Sorry that you are feeling like this.

I know it's devastating but their joy is not your pain. Tragically, your pain will be there whether you see her or not. I am very grateful that two of my best friends, who both had to go through fertility and adoption with their partners, continued to see pregnant me, then me and DD. I would have been very lonely and sad without them. I will only have one child, I'm very old and DH says he doesn't want to so I can feel a tiny part of your pain.

Oh Ravenheart. I really feel for you. I'm a POFer too but was diagnosed at 31 just 6 weeks after returning from honeymoon - we were yet to even start trying. I felt very much like you do- almost twisted with rage and jealousy seeing pregnant women and it ate me up inside. I found it very difficult if someone announced a pregnancy unexpectedly and there were baby bumps everywhere. If a pregnant woman so much as moaned about swelling etc etc then I wanted to head flick them at the very least. Jealousy is a horrid emotion that takes so much energy and can be very destructive.

Fast forward 2.5 years after diagnosis and we have our beautiful DD through my wonderful sister donating eggs. DD is 10 months now and, of course, mummy friends are all discussing when they're going to ttc number 2. Most of my other friends have 2 or 3 children already.

I know exactly the sense of loss you feel when you can see someone who has what you want and, seemingly so easily. Remember though that there's still a 5-10% that you could conceive naturally in the next 10+ years. Also remember that you conceived number one with what was probably quite a low ovarian reserve so you never know what may happen.

WRT your question re drop off, I think if you keep going then the feelings of jealousy will lessen- kinda as if you're being desensitised. I also found telling people about my diagnosis helped. This is obviously a v personal choice but it at least stopped questions about when everyone would hear the patter of little feet.

The Daisy Network was pretty good at supporting me in the early days after diagnosis but it was the POF board on Fertility Friends that saved me. There are counsellors you could see but for me it was 'talking' to others in the same boat. I met a few comrades too and this was a huge help.

Big hugs- POF is totally shit. Please PM me if you'd like any more support re coping/choices/ info

X

Totally understandable. Don't see her until/unless you feel able to cope. The counselling suggestion is a good one to help you get to a better place.

These feelings will fade you know - can't give you a date cos it's different for everyone.

In the meantime cut yourself some slack and let your husband do drop offs for a bit. Don't feel guilty. You need to come to terms with your loss (of the baby you wanted).

Then try a drop off yourself. See how it goes. It hurts less and less i promise tho it never truly goes away. There will be days it hits you like a sledgehammer and days it's like water off a duck's back. Go with the flow and take care of yourself.

Forgot to add that counselling for me was a lifesaver. A place to let loose with the rage and anger. The only place in the entire world where i didn't feel i had to show gratitude for all the good stuff in my life and just let the "bad" feelings out.

Well, I've been on the other end of this. Someone I know avoided me while I was pregnant because they were having trouble. She got pregnant herself eventually but the damage was done - we are nice and civil to one another but will never be the friends we once were. So if she is a close friend, bear this in mind. If she's not, then not so much to worry about.