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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

is my mil being unreasonable re thankyou letters...

50 replies

5madthings · 03/05/2012 14:20

posting here for quick replies...

so dp ran the london marathon this year! he did it for the charity he works, for, obviously we got sponsores from family and friends etc.

my mil is very involved with her local church, does lots of voluntary stuff for them etc. She took a sponsorship form to her church and asked if some of her friends would sponser dp, some of these people he vaguely knows from childhood, many he has never met.

anyway so today the sponsor money from these people arrived, mil had collected it and sent it on.

but along with the sponsor money was a list of all their names and adresses so dp can WRITE AND THEN THEM!! he is to write individual letters to each one!! surely they sponsor out of their own good nature and they were under no obligation to do so, am assuming my mil thanked them at the time as we did when collecting sponsers?

anway mil WILL be pissed if dp doesnt do this!

but dp works crazy long hours and quite frankly doesnt have the time to write 20 odd letters to various people we dont know thanking them for their £5 of sponsorship.

so is mil being unreasonable in expecting this? are we/dp being ur to not want to do it, is it the 'polite' thing to do?

btw we do do thankyou letters etc for xmas gifts or at least a phone call etc, but thankyou letters for sponsorship?!!

OP posts:

mynewpassion · 03/05/2012 16:53

I don't thinks she's being unreasonable. Its not like he thanked them initially when he asked for the donations. She thanked them but it would nice for him to thank them, too.

I would find it no hardship to do thank you letters to people who sponsored me who I haven't thanked before. Its just a nice gesture.

Original poster

5madthings · 03/05/2012 17:03

i am assuming mil thanked them when they sponsored they were under no obligation to sponser him, she was under no obligation to ask her friends to sponser her that was HER choice!

and yes 20 odd letters hand writted (mil wouldnt accept a printed out of photocopy type thing) is a pita, he works very long hours and is studying as well so really doesnt have the time.

anyway i think we will do one letter complete with a photo of dp saying this is how much was raised, thanks very much for your contribution.

if some people had sponsored a large amount we may have done them an individual letter, but it really was mainly £5 and the odd person that did £10 etc.

OP posts:

Scholes34 · 03/05/2012 17:03

I think one general letter copied to anyone MIL feels should have one, regardless of how much they donated (so that would be everyone). £5 can be a lot more to someone than £50 might be to someone else. DH and I do a charity collection every year and write one feedback letter to everyone who contributed. Be courteous and they're more likely to sponsor you next time round. Don't forget that MIL did a lot of the legwork for DH on finding some sponsors.

mrsscoob · 03/05/2012 17:04

IMO she is doing this to look good. Firstly by stealth boasting to all her friends that her son is running a marathon. Oh and then what a polite and wonderful boy her son is to send everyone thank you letters. Its all about her. I have never ever heard of anyone sending thank you cards for sponsorship, its supposed to be about the charity its not like they were giving the money to him!

Scholes34 · 03/05/2012 17:05

They don't have to be thank you cards as such, but I'm sure anyone would appreciate some feedback - eg, the time DP did the marathon in and how much he raised altogether.

mynewpassion · 03/05/2012 17:06

She did thank them but your DH didn't. He would've thanked them if he had asked himself. So, write the thank you letter.

Original poster

5madthings · 03/05/2012 17:08

mrsscoob i really dont think its stealth boasting, mil is just not that type of person at all! she realy does just think its the polite thing to do and would be embarrased if dp doesnt do it.

re leg work on one sunday at church she asked for sponsors, dp and myself went rouns loads of people getting sponsors! and we didnt ask her to do this or even suggest it, it was purely her own choice to do so.

but yes a general letter with photo and time he did it in and amount raised, thankyou for your contribution is the way to go i think :)

OP posts:

Original poster

5madthings · 03/05/2012 17:09

mynewpassion it isnt just one thankyou letter she wants its 20 odd, but we will do ONE letter to be displayed on the church notice board and that will have to do! :)

OP posts:

gafhyb · 03/05/2012 17:10

A card would be polite, anything more is, IMO about her worrying about what people think of her. OTT

mrsscoob · 03/05/2012 17:11

Sorry 5mad think I may have been getting her confused with my MIL

Badgerina · 03/05/2012 17:55

Er... he may be her child, but he is not a little boy. He doesn't need his mum to decide whether he writes thank you letters or not FFS!

I think your idea of doing one big thank you letter/card is great. At a push you could bake them all some cakes or something (but then that would be YOU thanking them, not DH...)

Original poster

5madthings · 03/05/2012 18:04

i could bake but couldnt get them there, 90 miles away!

i know he isnt a little boy but i think mil forgets that, despite him having a job, mortgage, a partner and 5 kids....

OP posts:

MrsTarget · 03/05/2012 18:52

Really? You wouldn't thank someone who has sponsored - and therefore, nowadays, normally enabled - you to do something amazing? Given that there are so many demands for sponsorship these days, people are normally doing you a favour, not the charity, by giving money. thank them.

Original poster

5madthings · 03/05/2012 18:56

yes thank them in person if we could and mil did that on our behalf when she got the sponsers, but individual letters?!

as i have said we WILL send on letter to put up on the church notice board with a photo and a generic thankyou, the total raised and the good cause it is supporting etc :)

OP posts:

Badgerina · 04/05/2012 07:25

5madthings of course YOU know he's not a little boy - he's your DH!
Yes, it really does sound like MIL forgets sometimes. Why do they do this!?!??

I think it's appropriate to send thanks, and I'm sure all those generous, good-natured people will appreciate collective thanks, rather than judging you for not writing individual letters.

TooManyBubbles · 04/05/2012 09:54

Lots of churches have magazines or newsletters (either paper or online) and they are usually pretty keen for people to contribute to them.

If you phone the church office they could tell you if they have one/ who the editor is and you might be able to email a letter/short article with photo to them.

Alternatively address your thank you note to the whole congregation and send it to the Vicar/Minister with a covering note.

TooManyBubbles · 04/05/2012 09:55

BTW I was sponsored by lots of people in my church for something a while ago and this is what I did so it's quite acceptable.

footphobic · 04/05/2012 10:41

I don't know...I'm not as cynical as others, I don't read this as MIL stealth boasting, I don't agree if she wants thanks she should go to the charity for it...I don't read it as telling her son what to do like he's a child (in this instance), but if there is an element of truth in that, regardless, she asked her friends and acquaintances if they would put hand in pocket to support her son and his chosen charity and they kindly did so...a thank you note is a small gesture to acknowledge that and is not unreasonable - the fact that it is not usual to send thank you's for sponsorship doesn't preclude doing so - she no doubt feels her friends would appreciate it and probably expects that with busy lives this might be overlooked hence the request. Individual letters to all is a step too far, but a nicely worded letter/card to all to be read out/go on notice board/newsletter should suffice and if this isn't enough for her then she is BU.

MarysBeard · 04/05/2012 10:48

I would thank them in person when they agreed to sponsor me, or when I collected sponsorship money, or via email if it's done via a website such as JustGiving.

I don't think it's at all necessary to send a thank you letter. Really, it's the charity who are thankful anyway.

OlaRapaceFru · 04/05/2012 11:28

I think she's being unrealistic expecting 20 individual thank you letters.

But you said your DP ran the Marathon for the charity he works for. In that case it wouldn't be out of order for him to write one nice thank you letter on his charity's letterheading, which could be sent to the church.

PiedWagtail · 04/05/2012 11:40

I've never had or written aTY letter for sponsoring someone! Perhaps he could fdo a geenral letter saying a big thank you to eveyryone, saying how much he raised, that your MIL coudl photocopy for her friends??!

Weathermerrier · 05/05/2012 14:23

What is it with mother-in-laws and sodding thank you letters?!?!? Thank you letters are a waste of time, money and paper. Saying thank you is enough. My mil would not shut up about sending thank you letters to the people who gave us wedding presents and we thanked them at the time. It. Does. My. Head. In

If you don't want to do it. Don't. Tell her to sod off.

ChronicToothAche · 05/05/2012 14:48

YANBU

Sending 20 individual thank you letters is completely OTT. I presume that they have already been thanked by your MIL - it sounds more like she wants to show off.

I would think one general letter to the church would be the most appropriate way to acknowledge their gift to the charity.

ilovesooty · 05/05/2012 14:54

I think a letter to the church might be the way to go.

With regard to Weathermerrier's post: if I bought a wedding gift I'd think it rude not to receive a thank you note, even if I'd been present at the wedding. It's just good manners, in my opinion. Mind you, I was brought up as a child to write thank you letters for all my Christmas presents.

marriedinwhite · 05/05/2012 15:55

I am a church goer and can also see where your MIL is coming from a bit. But she is being unreasonable to expect lots of individual letters but probably went to quite a lot of effort getting the sponsors and is probably very proud of your DH. I bet there is a weekly newsheet and I bet they have tea and coffee after the morning service. This is what I would do.

A card for the notice board
A lovely cake for tea and coffee time
A notice in the weekly newsheet thanking everyone from your DH and saying as a special gesture he has bought cake for the coffee time.

If you did it through the vicar as a bit of a surprise, he would probably announce it at the beginning of the service and make your MIL all glowy. Min effort for dh, proud and happy mil and everyone thanked and full of cake on your dh.

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