I know I am but I'm picking a fight with you lot rather than my dad

[robino]

He's been crap ever since my mum chucked him out for his umpteenth affair when I was 13. Not horrid, not confrontational or naggy just crap. There have been vague short lived improvements over the years but I thought that in the last year we'd turned a corner.

He retired, suddenly he had time to think about his grandchildren and really started enjoying them. He was on the phone constantly when I was due to have DD3. He came over to help quite a bit when she was tiny because DH was working 300 miles away. He had newborn cuddles for the first time in his life (didn't really other with us) and enjoyed it. Then he went quiet again.

THen he split up with his wife, decided he was moving to where we live and stayed on my sofa for 8 weeks. He was really looking forward to living closer to us. They got back together again and he took up golf, all interest in the granddaughters disappeared.

4 months ago DH was offered a job in the ME which we decided to take. 10 weeks ago DH went out there, we're following in 3.5weeks. I've been trying to pack the house while looking after 3 DDs aged 5 and under and the dog. DD2 and DD3 sleep erratically at best and last week all three of them had a horrific stomach bug for at least five days each. If my wonderful mum hadn,t come over I'm not sure how I'd have coped.

Dad came over twice before Easter and had the girls for one night over Easter. I know I should be grateful he's done that. And I know he's upset we're going. I've just spoken to him and there's not been one offer of help. I have worked so hard at having a relationship with him and right now I don't think I can be arsed anymore. So, give it to me. AIBU?

I am not sure a relationship is defined by how much someone helps you out.... so on that basis YABU.

You should ask for help if you need it....tell him you are struggling to manage.

YANBU. But I don't understand why you don't want to pick a fight with him, because frankly I think you'd feel a lot better afterwards if you did.

He is crap. He has always been crap. Why would you think that would ever change? A relationship involves two people, and it doesn't matter how hard you work at it if he doesn't. He uses you - your company, your couch, your DC - when it suits him; when he has alternatives (his wife, golf) he drops you without a second thought. You really need to return the 'compliment' and drop him completely.

Oh, forgot to include this before posting -

"And I know he's upset we're going."
How do you know? Has he said so? Why would you believe him even if he did? At most he is resentful that his backup accommodation is about to become unavailable, IMO.

That's absolutely true squeaky. And part of what makes me sad; that I could even relate to that feeling.

After my first post rant I remembered other stuff that's pissing me off. I think it's just a feeling of never having come first, or even second, or third in his thoughts. He doesn't call to see how it's going and if he does call he talks about how upset he is that we're leaving but then he's refusing to cancel a golf match to make it to DDs birthday party.

When we told him we where we were moving to and talked about them visiting he turned round and said "no I don,t like the culture" (he's stayed in an all inclusive hotel in Egypt to come up with that sort of conclusion). When I pointed out that he'd be coming to visit us he shrugged and walked away. I brought it up again and he said " no, it's really hard on wife having to spend her holidays with my children" - they spent (an uninvited) 3 weeks with my brother and his wife in Canada last year. They're going to Spain in five weeks, she works part time - they spend a lot of time together in their own. I have worked so hard at spending time with them and building up a relationship that didn't exist and I just don't feel particularly cared for.

Whereyouleftit - I'm crap at confrontation. That's why I'm not having to out with my dad. I don't do having it out. In addition I kind of feel like I am being unreasonable but then everything you said resonated.