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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting SIL to visit every time MIL visits

17 replies

snowshoes · 03/05/2012 04:04

We have 5 children. We have 3 bedrooms, one of which serves as a guestroom when needed. MIL lives a short plane trip away, and when she flies out to visit, she stays in our guestroom.

SIL lives a 2-hour drive from us. She has 1 child. MIL quite often flies to our place and then catches a bus to continue her visit with SIL. MIL doesn't mind doing this.

However, SIL has now decided that whenever MIL comes to visit us, they (SIL, FIL, and DC) will come and visit us, too. This means they bunk down in our living room for the duration of their stay.

I do not like hosting SIL at the best of times as she takes over the entire house and we feel squeezed out of our own space. I especially dislike hosting her and her family when we are already hosting other guests, even if that guest is her mother. It feels like we're the ones putting on Christmas every time IYKWIM?

SIL hosting us when MIL visits her is not an option as there are 7 of us and they would have to put us in their living room, and they don't feel that would work.

Is it wrong of me not to welcome SIL to stay with us every time her mother visits us? This whole situation causes me a lot of stress, makes me feel like a prisoner in my own house, and I have no perspective on it anymore. I'd appreciate some objective input, thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
snowshoes · 03/05/2012 04:06

Sorry, I don't know how to edit my post. I should clarify that I'm not talking about hosting people for the day, but for 3 or 4 days at a time. FWIW.

OP posts:
Original poster
snowshoes · 03/05/2012 04:07

And another edit, sorry I meant SIL and BIL, her DH not FIL!

OP posts:
Chilenachica · 03/05/2012 04:12

YANBU, but if my ILs are anything to go you won't win. It needs the mother to tell the daughter that she is BU and needs to be much more considerate. Woud MIL be receptive to the idea of putting her DD in her place?

And to edit your post, click on the preview message "button" below the"'message"box

StrawberryMojito · 03/05/2012 04:23

You say that your mil flies to visit you then catches the bus to see sil. Does that still happen even after sil has stayed with you? YANBU but maybe sil is just trying to cut down on her mums travelling. Either way, I can see that it would be stressful and expensive for you if it happened frequently. If it was once or twice a year, I think I may just get on with it. It should be up to your DH though to have a quiet word with his sister and say it is all getting a bit much. If they only live a couple of hours away, then it is feasible that you could do the odd day trip to each others house including when your mil is visiting.

GingerBlondecat · 03/05/2012 05:20

Do you talk at all to Sil, or do they just turn up ?

Be proactive and say, "sorry, not this time "

Don't give any reasons, either.

When you give reasons they other person think it's a negotiation, it's not.

GingerBlondecat · 03/05/2012 05:22

Why isn't your DH dealing with this. ?

PoppyWearer · 03/05/2012 05:46

YANBU. That would really stresss me out!

harrietlichman · 03/05/2012 05:50

YANBU, sounds like a total PITA. Agree that your DH or MIL need to put SIL straight though - or you will look like the disagreeable one....

TheSkiingGardener · 03/05/2012 06:06

So your SIL can say to you "That won't work". So say the same to her. Don't negotiate or find reasons just say "Sorry, that doesn't work for us"

She sounds a pain in the bum.

WinkyWinkola · 03/05/2012 06:23

Yanbu. You don't have the room to accommodate all these people even once or twice a year.

I think it's amazing you put up your mil alone given the space restrictions you have .
Your sil et al will have to stay in a B&B. She wouldn't put herself out for you in her living room, would she?

It is a ridiculous arrangement.

exoticfruits · 03/05/2012 06:56

I would just say to her that as the DCs get older it simply doesn't work for you and that although you are pleased to see her she can't stay. Don't elaborate, discuss or justify-just tell her. If she won't accept it , ask her if she wants help finding a B&B.

2rebecca · 03/05/2012 09:17

I would get my husband to tackle this and am assuming he agrees with you. I would get him to tell his SIL that the house gets too crowded when she comes with MIL and you'd prefer her to come at a seperate time when the guest room is full. He can say the same to his mum. 2 hours is a long day trip though so not unreasonable for SIL to come and stay for the weekend, but everyone coming at once and SIL by the sound of things coming along uninvited is mad.
Some people like large house fulls and to get all their visitors at once. You don't so will have to clarify this to your visitors.
SIL may well sulk for a few days but sometimes you have to upset people rather than seethe and have more long term damage by hating them for something that could be sorted with a short chat.
It's not surprising SIL wants to see her mum if she lives some distance away, but she will have to invite her mum to her house so mum either makes longer trips or more of them.
I presume you don't all traipse along to SIL's when MIL is staying there.

2rebecca · 03/05/2012 09:19

Agree a b&b is another option, although they may still decide to spend most of the day and evening meals at your house even with a B&B so not sure I'd mention that as an option.

emsyj · 03/05/2012 10:17

Actually I think 2 hours' drive is quite acceptable as a day trip - leave at 10am, arrive in time for a nice lunch, stay til 4pm and home at 6pm for tea time. Nothing wrong with that (unless you're heavily pregnant, have a newborn or some sort of illness or disability that makes car travel uncomfortable).

Even better, SIL could come in the car with the family for a nice lunch one day (sorry, bit lunch/food obsessed it seems Blush) then take MIL home with her in the car (saving her the bus trip) to have a visit with their family. Either you could put yourself out to go and collect MIL, or she could come back to you on the bus or SIL & BIL could drive over again a few days later for a spot of tea & cake.

Plenty of ways to sort this out, but you need either MIL or your DH to have a quiet word along the lines of, 'it's a bit much having all of us in the house at once, how about we do X instead?'

girlywhirly · 03/05/2012 13:03

I agree with emsy. A day visit by SIL and her family to either bring MIL to yours or collect MIL to stay with them sounds much more manageable for everyone.

It sounds as if SIL doesn't want to miss out on a family gathering and has assumed that as your house has more room it is more suitable to accommodate everyone. I think you should get MIL and DH on side to say day visits are fine but no more staying overnight as too cramped.

bobbledunk · 03/05/2012 13:31

Tell her she can't stay as you need the living room free and give her the number of a few local b&bs. It's ridiculous for her to turn up with the whole family every time you host mil. Can't imagine the stress of that, especially with a difficult house guest.

skybluepearl · 03/05/2012 13:38

suggest a B&B to SIL and say that it will be too much for you if they stay. you need the space. Your DH should be doing the organising though. Alternitivly, tell them you will stay in B&B!

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