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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be thinking about taking the baby and leaving my husband

21 replies

sourpuss81 · 01/05/2012 21:29

Hello,I'm a first time poster here and was hoping to get some help about something that's been upsetting me pretty much since my son was born late last year. My husband is in a band who are on the cusp of 'making it big' but in the meantime regularly leaves me and the baby for long periods of time without providing for us financially. In the meantime, I've returned to work and am paying the bills and looking after the baby on my own alot of the time. It's not like the band aren't doing well, but they're not doing well enough, and I'm just hitting burn out(anti-depressants, not sleeping, panic attacks).. but I don't know that I can ask him to give up what he loves. I just feel very lost about it all and am very seriously considering walking out. The whole thing is driving a massive wedge between us and I don't know what to do :( :( please help :(

OP posts:

StrandedBear · 01/05/2012 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sourpuss81 · 01/05/2012 21:38

like nearly 3 years I guess? I didn't mind the travelling and being away from home before the baby came in September (I guess I didn't realise how much work a baby is!!) but he left for a month when baba was about 10 weeks old and i found it devastatingly hard - baba was very underweight and jaundiced and I have felt so so angry since that happened. They're signed and they play festivals and support celebrities and it's all very glamorous but in the meantime there's not much cash coming in and I'm left holding the baby. Like, it's breaking my heart :( He's a good person otherwise but I'm starting to really resent him. I just don't know what to do...

OP posts:

Original poster

sourpuss81 · 01/05/2012 21:40

but then it's like, well what if he leaves and the rest carry on and it happens for them but he misses out and I'm the person who held him back? I'm so confused about the whole thing

OP posts:

MerryMarigold · 01/05/2012 21:42

Sounds like you have the worst of both worlds - a 'partner' who is not supporting financially or practically so you don't get some of the benefits a single Mum would be entitled to. I think if you did leave, and were a single Mum, you may get more support. You need some breaks/ some money etc. Your HV/ doc should be able to help more...and perhaps some Mums on here who do it alone.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 01/05/2012 21:43

What does he want? how does he react - is it taken for granted, by him, that you will just stay home and mind the baby and he will fuck off go on the road without you? If he's not providing for you and his child, he's not taking responsibility for his son... Does he get paid a salary as such or is he on a % take/sales - if he has a regular income, then he needs to be paying some for his son and not just leaving it all to you. If he wanted to that is, and that's the crux of the matter, does he see himself as single on the road, or a man with a partner and child? Could you go on the road with him, and take the baby? How would he react if you suggested such a thing?

ThatGhastlyWoman · 01/05/2012 21:43

Does he support you in other ways- i.e., does he call, try to maybe arrange for help from family/friends to tide you over, or is he demonstrably selfish in every way? What is he like when he's home? Would he support your dreams in the same way..?

ThatGhastlyWoman · 01/05/2012 21:44

And Pombear's last point is excellent. I think you should see hoe he reacts to that!

OAM2009 · 01/05/2012 21:45

Can't read and run either but not really got much relationship experience but can offer and hugs ((())) Sounds like you're in a difficult situation. Can you try and sort the issues out one at a time?

DH - big talk needed. You both need to discuss your relationship, his status as a dad and him being away and the impact on the family, as well as the family finances.
You - if you're already on anti-depressants, can you go back to your GP and see what else they can do? Panic attacks sounds serious and perhaps your GP can offer you more help medically.
Baby - can anyone give you a break for some you-time, ie more than just when you're at work?

I wouldn't just walk out - try and communicate and if that doesn't sort things out, you can always make a proper plan to leave, having sorted out financial support etc

HTH xxx

RevoltingPeasant · 01/05/2012 21:47

sour think you should post this in the Relationships thread, personally.

I think you should do a few things -

go to see a counsellor if you can - get your GP to refer you if you are on antiDs. Help to sort out what you really want.

try to gather as much support around you as you can - friends, family - to help share the burden.

take some time out from the relationship. See if you can separate temporarily for a couple of months and see how you feel then.

tbh it's not you holding him back: I'm guessing he agreed to have this baby with you at a critical time in his career. Babies do change things, and it sounds like he doesn't really want to face that. Well, tough for him.

Original poster

sourpuss81 · 01/05/2012 21:54

@merrymarigold it has occurred to me recently that indeed I would be financially better off to leave, it just gets really complicated trying to explain to working tax credits why you're trying to claim help with childcare when there is two parents but only one income. @Pombear - any cash they have gets swallowed up by touring costs, PR, so he doesn't have much, if any, cash coming in - so, it's not that he won't contribute, he can't contribute and remain touring. I couldn't go touring with him because I run my own small business and it's the only thing bringing in cash right now. If he wanted to stay home and look after the baba then I'd happily support him but he can't f**king not be here physically and have me be the major breadwinner. Like, we have massive massive rows about it, I'm sure the neighbours think I'm a nutjob.

OP posts:

happyAvocado · 01/05/2012 21:59

very few of bands like your DP's that would make it
I guess in the next 18-24 months they will know
the real question is - do you love him and want to spend the rest of your life together (for better, for worst...) - or not

DinahMoHum · 01/05/2012 21:59

id move out, but maybe agree that youre still in a relationship, but you would be able to at least get extra tax credits/housing benefit to help you financially if hes not living with you, and then reconsider later down the line

Original poster

sourpuss81 · 01/05/2012 22:00

hey I'm sorry, i didn't realise there was a relationships thread (this is my first post) I'll def be more aware when posting in future. He's a good person and everyone (including my family) loves him - I guess I needed to air how I feel to people who don't know him because ultimately although he's not a bad person, I'm being manipulated here and I can't take the stress anymore.

thank you all for the support, you've been very kind and really helped me put it in perspective I think x x x

OP posts:

MsVestibule · 01/05/2012 22:08

So, on the off chance he does become very successful, how will things change? OK, he'd be able to support you financially, but I don't think that's the major issue. He would still be away for long periods of time - would you happy with that?

Does he earn any money at the moment, or does it all go on food and accommodation? If he did give this up, what would he do for a living? Has he been in a band since you met him? If so, I imagine he will say "you knew what you were letting yourself in for" - but most people don't realise how much needs to change when a baby comes along!

He knows how unhappy this is making you, but is unwilling to make any changes. You are doing all the compromising, and he doesn't appear to be too concerned that this is at the expense of your health. IMO, not the actions of somebody I would want to stay with.

parakeet · 01/05/2012 22:13

I think you need to ask him the following question: which is more important to him - making it as a rock star, or giving you and his son the support you both need at this most critical time for you both.

Because it looks like he can't do both.

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 01/05/2012 22:18

If he doesn't live with you, and doesn't contribute financially, surely you can claim as a lone parent?

WheresMrMonkey · 01/05/2012 22:22

I think you need to maybe show him this post? If you have said it all before and maybe threatened to leave lots (something I do too regularly!) I think it loses it's shock factor. So perhaps you need to move out for a bit? To your parents? Would that be possible? See just how much you miss him, and maybe more importantly how he responds?

MsVestibule · 01/05/2012 22:28

Sourpuss, also wanted to say, keep on posting whenever you need to. It can help to get things in perspective, either by giving you a kick up the arse or confirming you're right! AIBU can turn into a bit of a bunfight though, which is the last thing you need when you're feeling fragile. I believe Relationships are a bit nicer and more constructive, hence Peasant's advice.

Although we've all been lovely to you tonight .

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/05/2012 00:00

I was married to a musician for 8 years. 8 long years. I didn't have any DCs so it was easy to leave. I will be doom and gloom so only listen if you want. All that will happen if they make it is he will be away for longer and will become more selfish. Sorry. Mine made it and became unbearable.

BertieBotts · 02/05/2012 00:08

I think though Boulevard he does legally live there. So that would be benefit fraud. If he changed his legal address to a friend's house or something, she could.

Ultimately sourpuss, if you're unhappy in a relationship it's never unreasonable to think about leaving it. It sounds like you're really both in different places at the moment, and you need to have a heart to heart, a serious one. I think that as parakeet says, the time has come for him to choose - you've decided that you cannot carry on like this, so either he comes home and supports you properly, and accepts this means potentially giving up his dream, I mean, he has to really mean this - if he's going to blame or resent you for it down the line, then it's not the right decision to be making. It's HIS and nobody else's. You've given it a good chance, a good try, and you can't cope like this any more. Or, he can say "The band is where I need to be", of course he could still see his DD, but he would have to accept that he has chosen not to be a part of her life full time (as he isn't at the moment anyway.)

kickassangel · 02/05/2012 00:38

how much of this did you talk through before the baby?

it sounds like having a baby has made you want to change how you both live your lives. i can understand that, but did he expect that, or did you just both assume that things would carry on as before?

There are a lot of careers that require a person to work long hours/be absent, and people who set up and run their own business often spend years working hard with little return. there are also plenty of women who raise a child by themselves. So it can be done, BUT if you are to continue as a family, then you have to come to a family decision about what is best for all of you.

Are you able to talk about this without arguing? Can you agree a time limit for how long you are prepared to wait whilst he follows his dream?

And what, ultimately, do YOU want? A husband who is home to help with the baby? A second income so you don't have to work long hours? Or him, for who he is and because you love him?

For me it would depend very much on his attitude - does he really love the two of you, and do everything he can to be involved when he is around, or do you get the impression that you're a convenient and enjoyable back-stop for when he needs a home to return to?

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