To say no to my Brother and his wife

[JoandMax]

So, my brother and his wife are due their first baby in September, all very exciting.

My SIL is not close to her family (fault on both sides) and they all live in a different country.

They live in central London, I'm in Kent (just over an hour into Waterloo), our sister is in Brighton, parents north Suffolk.

They have asked me if I will go and support SIL when she gives birth, brother will be there too but they want additional 'female' support.

I said I'd think about but I think I need to say no but feeling very guilty!

My reasons for saying no are:

1. I have a 2 year old DS2 who is tube fed so I can only leave him with DH, my mum or sister
2. DH is away a lot so I can't rely on him to be able to get home quickly to look after kids when SIL goes into labour
3. It would also take my mum and sister a while to get here to look after kids
4. I don't drive so if it's after the last train I wouldn't be able to get there til morning at least
5. DS1 will be starting school and its really important to me to be there for first week

I would love to do it for them but I just can't see how to
make it work out practically......

So AIBU to say no??

YANBU. You have enough on your own plate.

I would so want to be there, however I can also see the practical side of things for you.

If you are going to say no I think perhaps you need to point out to them it ISN'T because you don't want to, its because you are just not able to be as reliable as you would like and don't want to let them down if dh isn't able to be there at the right time etc.

Could you suggest to them that they look for a doula? Or perhaps there is a friend who might be able to do it? (My dsis was birth partner to her best mate)

I would have loved to be at SIL birth of either of her children as however I often feel about her I do adore her rambunctuous children !

YANBU - you have very good reason not to help out no matter how much you want to. I am sure they will understand.

YANBU for all the practical reasons you have given. Better for you to explain now rather than have to let your SIL down when she is in labour because you can't get there.

I think a doula is a good suggestion, thanks. Then if I can get there I'll go too but they'll have a guaranteed support.

I would absolutely love to be there but I have to put my own DCs first and I don't want them to rely on me being there and then let SIL down mid labour....

YANBU - reason 1 along is enough to say "no", and the rest are all making even more clear.

Take this request as an olive branch and accept the kindness meant by it ("we want to mend our bridges and get closer together as a family by asking you to share this special time") and explain that you would have been delighted to do it if your other responsibilities weren't so overwhelming, and make plans for what you can do with them to support and help them and build up the relationship in other ways.

If you do from the point of view of not being able to get there quick enough and worried about letting her down due to having to attend to tube fed dc, and then suggesting a doula, that will temper saying no.

I would say you will if you can but you can't promise to as it depends so much on when it happens and whether you can get the logistics in place.

I'm also pregnant, in London with family who are all too distant, disinterested or dead to step in to look after my dd when I go into labour. I have built up a list of friends willing to help out; there isn't one of them who can offer it with cast iron guarantees and that's absolutely fine. Some can help out if it happens in the middle of the night while their partners can be left with their kids, some can only help out during the day, or on specific days of the week. It's all good. When I go into labour I'll work my way through my list. I'd much rather they said they could offer possible help than a definite no 'in case they had to let me down' as then I'd be really stuck.