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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not have a clue what I've done?

45 replies

Butterlicious · 30/04/2012 16:13

So, my friend's husband has decided out of the blue that he doesn't like me. No idea why. I've always got on fine with him and we've never had any cross words.

I noticed a few weeks ago that he had deleted me off face book and I didn't say anything or feel upset or bothered as I know some people only like to have close friends on their list. Now he's started ignoring me too when we bump into each other. My friend has said that he has now said I can't go round to their house and she can't come to my house, which has upset me. I asked her why and she said she doesn't know but he has just said he doesn't like me now.

I'm not bothered about him not liking me, I can live without him liking me, although it is a little hurtful that nothing at all has happened. I don't see him a great deal but we've always chatted. Now he just glares at me. I popped a birthday present round at the weekend for one of their children and he opened the door, saw it was me, shut the door in my face and then my friend came to answer the door.

So I don't think I am going to bother with either of them now. I wouldn't tolerate my DH being rude to one of my friends and I think she should stand up to him and tell him not to be rude to me. By saying nothing she is enabling his behaviour.

We are talking about a 40 year old grown man by the way, not a 15 year old.

OP posts:

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 30/04/2012 16:56

Leave them to it, he sounds like a bit of a loon and she sounds weak for allowing him to control her like that.

CailinDana · 30/04/2012 16:58

That fb comment thing is seriously weird. I feel sorry for your friend tbh, imagine having to live with that.

ScrambledSmegs · 30/04/2012 17:02

Oh dear, sounds like he's really controlling and has decided to cut you out. You're a threat as you're her friend, therefore a danger to him. I wonder if he's intending to totally isolate her from all support.

Has he cut her off from other friends or family too? I bet this escalates, poor woman :( And she won't be able to see it yet.

ABigGirlDoneItAndRanAway · 30/04/2012 17:07

He sounds like a liability, I wouldn't want anyone in my life that would be likely to come round and put a brick through a window, your relationship with your friend will probably fizzle out anyway if he had "banned" her from coming to your house and vice versa.

TheHappyHissy · 30/04/2012 17:08

About time someone said that Scrambled sounds like he's abusive, and he's escalated. That poor woman I'd under his manipulative control.

OP, tell her that you know the score, and that you're there for her, no matter what. When she wants to get out, that you'll help in any way you can.

Posterofapombear · 30/04/2012 17:16

I reckon he thinks you know he is having an affair. Probably with one of your Facebook friends.

Otherwise it's just too weird!

fedupofnamechanging · 30/04/2012 17:22

It's horrible when this happens. My mum lost her best friend because bf's husband was really nasty to my mum and dad and bf stood back and let it happen.

There is no way I'd let my dh be rude like that (not that he would)for no reason.

You are better off out of it - the fb posts sound unhinged.

Vixxen · 30/04/2012 17:23

He sounds really vile. I think you should just leave it. She will realise one day that it's her loss and i wonder if you will be the only one or if her Husband is just going to start hating her friends one by one until it's just the two of them :-|

cocolepew · 30/04/2012 17:28

He has a lot of enemies speaks for itself really.

WilsonFrickett · 30/04/2012 17:29

Is she being abused? It can be part of an abuser's strategy to cut the victims friends and supporters out of their lives.

mcfee · 30/04/2012 17:32

Does she have other friends? Or is he alienating them one by one do she'll have no one apart from him?

HandMadeTail · 30/04/2012 17:33

I agree with those that are saying he is being controlling. If he gets rid of all her friends she will be more and more unable to get help if she needs it. Tell her you that you will always be there for her if she needs help, and back off a bit, but keep in touch, just in case.

geekette · 30/04/2012 17:36

is he trying to isolate his wife?

if so she may need help... I would keep a comms channel open with her which the husband doesn't know about (if you can). It can take a while for the truth to come out if something is going on.

If you are satisfied nothing is going on then no point beating about the bush really.

CremeEggThief · 30/04/2012 17:37

Poor you! I really felt for you when I read about him slamming the door in your face like that. What a nasty, rude, strange, childish man!
I would let your friend know you're there if she needs you, as who knows what might be going on, but I wouldn't maintain regular contact, now that he's behaving in this way.

doormat · 30/04/2012 17:39

agree with others who have said confront him yourself and ask what his problem is..even after finding out what the problem is i would dump the pair of them as she sounds a right tit..words for him are undescribeable

Pandemoniaa · 30/04/2012 17:46

He has a lot of enemies

Yes, this says everything. Sensible, rational people don't have enemies. Instead, you tend to prefer some people over others and the ones you aren't terribly keen on, you avoid. Politely.

Of course not everyone is like this. Some prefer to live their lives as if they were conducting a series of Secret Wars but invariably, their conversations will use the language of the playground since "not liking" or "hating" will feature regularly. Most of their friendships will be short and all of them will conclude unpleasantly.

YANBU in walking away, OP. Nobody needs this sort of pointless grief.

redwineformethanks · 30/04/2012 22:19

If he is abusive and controlling her, that's a concern and you should try to stay in contact with her. If he is just weird and she doesn't care enough about your friendship to stand up for you, then let it go

Original poster

Butterlicious · 01/05/2012 09:23

Many thanks to you all for the replies.

I was having a chat with my DH last night and he said that the husband has always come across to him as a jealous type. We have socialised quite a bit as couples, even though it was my friend and I that were friends first. The men got on quite well but DH said he thinks her DH is jealous of us.

He said on one of the most recent meet ups we had as a foursome, it was a good few months ago now, that my friend's husband had asked if we owned our house, and DH said yes and he said that friend's DH was visibly put out, as they rent their house and he said to DH that he had always assumed we were renters. DH also said he kept badgering him as to how much he earns and asking him and asking him and in the end DH said. But he said this bloke was very prying and kept asking and asking.

As I said, my friend and her DH are real keeping up with the Joneses people; they boast a lot and like to be better off than everybody else and have "more stuff" than everybody else, and I'm wondering if he thought we were worse off than we are because we're not flashy and we're not actually worse off than them as he seemed to think.

I know it sounds petty, and we are not like that at all, but money and things seem to be important to my friend and her DH.

OP posts:

CremeEggThief · 01/05/2012 11:30

It sounds like you may have found the reason, OP. How sad that someone could allow themselves to become so bitter and spiteful towards someone else through envy though.

doormat · 01/05/2012 11:49

butterlicious dont mean to disrespect you or your dh but do you really feel this is the reason as to why he shuts the door in your face...(not saying you have done nothing wrong) but i get the impression your friend may have brought you up in an argument with her dh and that is why he is annoyed...something has majorly pissed him off...and maybe that is why your friend is non-confrontational about it as she knows the reason but cant disclose it to you...

whatever the reason though you do not deserve to be treated abusively by a trumped up gobshite...

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