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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not allow mixed sleepovers?

53 replies

seedlessgrape · 30/04/2012 15:52

My DD (12 going on 21) has asked if three friends, two of whom are boys, can come for a sleepover, but I've said no to the boys. It's not that I don't trust her or think that they'll get up to anything inappropriate, I just don't feel comfortable, especially as I've not yet met the boys.

I might have considered it if my house was big enough to separate the boys from the girls but it's not and therefore they would all have to sleep on the sofa or in sleeping bags.

I'm all for encouraging my DD to have male and female friends but boys and girls sleeping over (albeit innocently) doesn't sit well with me. I'm sure this is something which will be broached again in the future and I would therefore welcome any comments.

Thanks :-)

OP posts:

AmberLeaf · 01/05/2012 01:30

So OP, its because you dont know them not because they are boys? your post and title seem a little unclear?

Re no mixed sleepovers after 12 I think you are possibly BU, but then I have 3 sons and I can see they havent turned into sex pest rapists on their 12th birthdays, they still manage to maintain good platonic relationships with girls too.

IME teen sleepovers tend to be as someone said upthread....them eating watching DVDs and trying to stay awake all night usually failing

Morloth · 01/05/2012 03:42

We had mixed sleepovers when I was a kid, but if it was a mixed group we all had to sleep in the lounge room, definitely not bedrooms.

I know what I was like as a teenage girl, how DH managed to fend me off until we got married I don't know.

12 is still quite young though.

garlicnutter · 01/05/2012 03:55

It sounds odd to me, as I shared a bedroom with my brother until we were 13. My first sexual experimentation was with a girl friend on a sleepover at 12 ...

You can't really predict what kids will do every minute of the day or night, but I would have thought a mixed bunch of 12-year-olds are more likely to fight over the xbox than anything else! Other parents might expect segregation, though. Could you not put the boys in the living room or a tent in the garden?

my2centsis · 01/05/2012 05:39

I think yabu but each parent it different.

If you don't feel comfortable remember no is a complete sentence lol

nooka · 01/05/2012 05:54

I have an 11 year old girl and an almost 13 year old boy and I would not have a problem with a mixed group sharing a room on a sleepover so long as I knew them all well (and I'd put them in our den which doesn't have a door so supervision is easy - although this would be more of the 'shut up and go to sleep' variety, and it would need to be a special event as three friends for a sleep over is party territory to me). My son's friends are really not very interested in girls yet, and they all know each other very well from school which tends to lead to banter more than flirting.

I woudln't have anyone to sleep over that I didn't know from previous visits though.

porcamiseria · 01/05/2012 09:20

yanbu! There is NO WAY my mum would have allowed this

rightly so, there will be fumbling mark my words

lattelov3r · 01/05/2012 09:48

YABU as long as i knew the friends its very unlikely anything would happen in a group not all teens are awaiting an oppertunity for an orgy i think banning sexes from mixing and treating them as if they cant possibly be friends is more dangerous tbh

AKMD · 01/05/2012 09:49

YANBU at all. I never went to a mixed sleepover where there wasn't dodginess going on and would have been far happier if my parents had been uncool and stopped me going.

LordGiveMeStrength · 01/05/2012 09:54

YANBU. My now husband said he and his friends started having s3x at 13 and these coed sleepovers were just an excuse for he and his public school friends to mess about, drink and sleep with their girlfriends.

I'm a total prude so was completely shocked.

No my children will not be having coed sleepovers... EVER.

Original poster

seedlessgrape · 01/05/2012 10:45

Thanks for all the comments: those in support and also those arguing against my stance. In answer to AmberLeaf, my main concern I suppose is not that they're boys but that I don't know them, however I have allowed her to have female friends sleep over previously, despite not knowing them too well, so maybe I'm contradicting myself.

In any event, I've said no on this occasion and as we all know, once a decision is made we should stick to it!

OP posts:

dexter73 · 01/05/2012 11:06

Definitely stick to your decision. I wouldn't have anybody sleep over at my house if I hadn't met them first. My dd's mixed group of friends who sleep over have all known each other for years and I know them very well too, so feel comfortable having them over.

mindgone · 01/05/2012 12:14

It's good to set a precident for the future, ie. we have never had mixed sleepovers, so we won't be starting now that you're 15/16 etc. will make life a little easier later on, I think.

MaryPoppinsBag · 01/05/2012 12:32

YANBU.
Some of my school friends were sexually active at 12/13.
In fact when I was in Y7 there was a prostitution ring going on at my school involving our year and the 2 above. Whereby girls were paid 50p for their services!
A boy in my year got his GF pregnant when he was 13 and she was 14. She had an abortion. Their parents let them have sleepovers.
I experimented with a girl at that age and younger and had boys slept over I have no doubt I would have been up to stuff with them too!

ToriaPumpkin · 01/05/2012 12:38

YANBU. I know at least two couples who had sex when they were 13/14 at mixed sleepovers/parties. At my MIL's house. Who was of the opinion because there was a group of them it wouldn't happen.

startail · 01/05/2012 14:22

Personally I think teens who are going to have sex will have sex. At a large mixed group sleepover or in their GF bedroom with mum likely to walk in are probably the least likely times.

Local woods or an afternoon they know their parents are working are much more likely.

However, I decline to have as overnight guests any child I don't know well enough to tell to shut up and go to sodding sleep!

Debsbear · 01/05/2012 14:25

YANBU, I can well remember the mixed sleepovers I went on at that age and I wouldn't touch them with a bargepole now! Trust me, the innocent looking ones are the worst

dexter73 · 01/05/2012 14:25

I agree startail - we used to meet the boys in the park after school as there was lots of dense undergrowth! Bet not many parents would object to their children going to the park after school though!!

Hullygully · 01/05/2012 14:26

It would entirely depend on the kids involved, as does single sex s/overs

startail · 01/05/2012 14:35

Also in the end you have to trust them.

One day, all to soon they will disappear to university.
And one day they will appear on your doorstep with a long haired scruffy lad, who they freely admit they are sleeping with.

To my DMum's eternal credit she just tapped on the door and gave us breakfast

DHs mum (for that's the long haired scruff) had it even worse.

We got engaged in 6 weeks. I was already her PFBs fiancé when we met.

startail · 01/05/2012 14:38

dexter my DSIS never did explain to DDad how she scratched her leather jacket. (I believe a wall and a secluded alley were involved)

imnotmymum · 01/05/2012 14:40

Would not happen in my house. Do not know why as DDS have some great mates who are boys even though they would probably be horrified at them seeing them in their jimjams ??

noddyholder · 01/05/2012 14:42

I always allowed it and it was always fine!

5madthings · 01/05/2012 14:43

well i think on the basis that you dont know them then yanbu but regarding mixed sex sleepovers i would say yabu, as i would let a mixed sex group have a sleepover and either the seperate sexes could sleep in diff rooms, or they could all sleep in the living room which is what i did as a child.

i agree with the poster that said the teens wanting to have sex will have it regardeless of sleepovers, on the whole tho sleepovers were about scaring ourselves to death watching x-files and eating too much!

dexter73 · 01/05/2012 14:44

Ha startail! I wonder how many boys used to go home with grass stained knees and claim they 'fell over playing football'!

Original poster

seedlessgrape · 01/05/2012 15:49

Perhaps I'm being completely ignorant and with a head in the sand attitude if I say that I really really honestly deep down don't think that my DD wants, or even has ever considered having, sex.....

My DD has done the sleepover bit whereby one or two of them stay up all night (she was one) or watch an unsuitable (ie 15) film but... sex? Nah....!

OP posts:

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