To feel a bit bloody useless

[KeremyJyle]

Sorry woe-is-me post alert...

I had a lovely little boy a couple of months ago. Adore him, wouldn't be without him etc but already I feel like I'm failing him in so many ways. Like his birth - I took all the drugs going (long and complicated delivery ending in emcs) and couldn't do it myself. Every time I hear about someone's all-natural, mooing-in-a-birthing-pool labour, it's like a stab to my heart. I just feel like I was a total wimp and a failure.

And feeding: I have found breastfeeding stupendously difficult and am now mix feeding as I felt it was the only way I could manage to continue giving ds the breast without quitting altogether.

And oh my Christ he has a dummy. From day four.

I love him, so so very much (dont know why I have to keep justifying myself on that front) but from about a week after he was born I was itching to get out of the house and see my friends and get completely off my face a little bit merry. I'm 36, not 17.

I do think I'm a nice, cuddly, loving mother, but I just don't feel I measure p against all those self-sacrificing women who give birth without drugs for the good of their child, exclusively breastfeed despite any difficulties and are blissfully happy in that baby bubble for months on end and don't feel like they want to break free every other day.

So be honest, am I a total flake of a mother?

Do you really think that? I had an epidural with ds2, bottle fed both of mine, and they both had dummies. They were my choices, and I don't feel like a bad mother for making them. Give yourself a break, I'm sure your a great mum

All what self-sacrificing women? Some are, some aren't. Be the parent your child needs. Not the parent you think you ought to be, based on - actually, based on what exactly? Your child is here, he is born, he is fed and he is loved. I'd say you've pretty much got everything covered.

You didn't fail him when you gave birth. It's not an exam that you didn't revise for, or some coursework you didn't hand in!

It's a very unpleasant biological process, that you and he got through. I assure you, you didn't fail. There's nothing wrong with wanting painkillers, or needing medical assistance!

Babies don't gain extra IQ points for every moment of agony during childbirth.

You are not a flake. I'm sure half of them are fakes!
Enjoy your baby you are doing just fine.

I am even worse. I had a general anaesthetic for my elective CS. I didn't meet DD until she'd been breathing air for nine hours.

Of course you're not a flake! Don't even begin to compare your experience against other new Mums and what they say about their birth experience, you've got a lovely yummy baby and that is what matters. If it makes you feel any better I bottle fed all my boys and they had dummies from birth and they were always settled, happy and healthy. I bet you're a great Mum.

My mother always says babies need to be loved, fed and warm, in that order. Sounds like you're doing OK

BUT, I get what you're saying about failing at the birth - I was going to have DD1 in the pool, nice and natural la la la. She was an em c-s under GA after a 14-hour labour. And I felt shit about it for ages. Have you considered going back for post-birth counselling? I went back twice to discuss DD1's birth with an impartial MW (i.e. one not involved in my care at all) to help me make sense of it, and stop beating myself over the head about it. It doesn't flick a switch in your head and make everything alright, but it did help me move on a bit with processing what had happened and why, and why I felt a failure about how she came into the world.

Hey,
When I had dd1 I had a 30 hour labour, threw up after gas and air and ended up with epidural and episiotomy.

With dd2 and ds I had gas and air only and the labour was (relatively) much shorter and easier. With dd2 I was asking if I could start the epidural in week 39 to make sure it was in but when it came to it, I never got to the point of needing it.

You do what you need at the time you need it. Dd1 has not suffered from her labour experience at all. I was lucky with the other pair that they were much easier. It was not for the good of the child I didn't. Just an easier birth.

Dd1 was the dream baby to breastfeed, which is why I managed it. Somethings come easier than others. It doesn't make you a better or worse mother at all. Don't feel bad about it.

Stop comparing yourself to imaginary Super Mummy. If you're "a nice, cuddly, loving mother" then you're doing absolutely fine.

Don't compare yourself to others, it leads nowhere. Be the best YOU you can be. You sound like a good mother to me.
YABU.

Welcome to the world of "mothers guilt"!! We all have it. Know that you love your son, and you are doing the absolute best you can, which is all he needs- A mother who cares enough and is trying her hardest. Take care and look after yourself.

What the others say.

I had a HB with only g&a and people thought I was being selfish and putting my baby at risk- you can't win sometimes! Oh and I BF cos I was too lazy for the faff of sterilising etc and too mean to pay for formula.

Just concentrate on what's right for you and forget everyone else- they aren't you.

Do you know what: I wish to buggery I had pain relief for my DD's birth. I was 8cm dilated when I got to the hospital so they convinced me I didn't need it. 13 months later I'm still haunted by the pain, it affects my sex life and it puts me off the thought of having a second DC.

My DD wouldn't take the bottle until she was 9mo. I felt resentful and chained to her until she was about a year old. I weaned her when she was just over a year old, I feared I would still be breastfeeding her when she was at high school, she was so attached.

I have still never had a night out since DD was born and lack the backbone to insist my DH can look after her for an evening.

I didn't intend to give DD a dummy but she spent so much time comfort suckling on me I really wish I had, when I did try to introduce it around 4mo she wouldn't take it.

So as nicely as possible YABU, we all wish we'd done things differently, we all stumble through in our own ways and do you know what, for the most part we don't harm our DC's through what are relatively small pieces of their make up!

Well done on sticking with bf'ing at all if you're finding it difficult.

Sweetheart, I've never met a mother who was 'blissfully happy in that baby bubble for months on end'. Giving birth and looking after a newborn is tough, it's the most demanding thing I think anyone can ever do, no-one can prepare you for how all-consuming, exhausting and overwhelming it is.

Re the birth - I was totally prepared to be an earth-mother natural-birther with my first - ended in EMCS. I think that so much of having a birth that goes smoothly or one that's more traumatic is down to luck - you're lucky if you have a supportive midwife team, and you're lucky if your baby is in a good position, has no medical problems, doesn't take too long about it, etc. Of course you feel sad if it wasn't the experience you hoped for, but please don't feel like a failure.

If you're still bf-ing, even if it's mixed with ff - then you should feel proud of yourself. You're doing your best for your child.

And there's nothing wrong with dummies. A friend told me that in Italy and Spain it's considered practically abusive NOT to give a baby a dummy.

So stop comparing yourself to the perfect mother that only exists in your head, and give yourself a break.

I felt like you did. I laboured for hours and had an EMCS. DS nearly died and spent a month in special care. I blamed myself, thought I had failed him, and was really unkind to myself for months. I refused to accept help from anyone until i nearly had a breakdown. I thought i was such a bad mum he would be taken away if i asked for help.

He will be two this week and is utterly fab.

In actual fact I was feeding him well and he put on a great amount of weight. He was loved and looked after and has made brilliant developmental progress - total opposite to his prognosis.

After counselling and support i can see that i am responsible for a lot of that.

Please please dont get to breakdown point. Ask for help, dont blame yourself for 'not doing it properly'. You sound like you are doing everything you can and your baby is doing great.
Be kind to yourself xxx

"So be honest, am I a total flake of a mother?"

Fuck no. Everybody needs to break free on a regular basis. Anyone who doesn't is, well, a bit odd.

Dont be daft, of course you're not a flake of a mother. When I had DS I had an epidural and didnt feel a thing........my train of thought is dont suffer if you dont have to. DS too had a dummy from the advice of my doctor - best thing we ever did, it really settled him and made our life so much easier.

I had him on the tuesday and on thursday I was shopping in tescos without him!

Dont feel guilty for wanting time out and wanting to still be you rather than just mummy. I am a bloody good mum to my son but I am not one of those mother earth types, that just isnt me.

Being a mum is a massive guilt trip one way or another so just enjoy the ride and do what makes things easier for you as a family, stuff what others think and say - do what makes your life easier!

YABU - you are not a useless mother - you love him and look after him and he is no doubt a happy baby.

In terms of the 'natural birth' element - how many people do you know that would have a tooth out with no anaesthetic ? Your DS arrived safely into the world and, EMCS or no, you helped him get there.

Same with the BF'ing - you didn't 'fail' to BF, you actually are BF'ing - yes, he's getting other milk too, but you didn't give up when it was too difficult, you found a solution that worked.

And even with the dummy - some like them, some don't - he does. It will do him no harm (as long as it's not in 24 hours a day ). When he is ready, he will give up. Nothing wrong with finding something that soothes when they don't need food/cuddles.

I know it's tough to remember this when you're tired, and what you'd intended didn't happen, but really - you are giving him the best start by meeting his needs (emotional and physical).

Easier said than done, but try and pull the positives out - maybe repeat Merrylegs' final two sentences over when you feel a bit down?

I had a 'natural' birth with no pain relief at all. Circumstances, not choice though - and it was bloody awful. Nobody gave me a medal and I also felt very depressed about the birth afterwards. Cried virtually at the mention of childbirth for ages after. Your choices were very sensible ones - all that needs to happen is for you and baby to get through it safely and ideally with minimal pain. I'd say well done!

As for the dummy, mine weren't keen, which is a shame because DD sucked her thumb instead and it is a nightmare trying to get her to stop before she wrecks her teeth. At least you can take a dummy away at some point in the future (I'm talking years off, btw, not thinking that you should do it any time soon unless it suits you both!)

Sounds to me like you're being a great mum. Keep on with the love and cuddles and you can't go wrong. Do hope you start to feel better soon too. Take it easy and be kind to yourself as well as your baby x

I am not convinced the Mum's you are imagining even exist!

I had easy birth (but bloody lucky me I can assure you it was not due to any greater nobility or general amazingness on my part - big fat fucking fluke) and to be perfectly honest if your baby arrives with you both alive you have done a bloody good job if you ask me! 100 years ago he would probably have been an orphan!

I too did the mixed feeding despite not wanting to, but it was that or give up totally. So many mum's find BF very very hard and some don't even try - you have tried and are doing fine!

It is a massive upheaval having a new baby even when you love them to the moon and back. Sometimes I would lie there if I (rarely) woke before DS and pretend I was childless, and allow myself to drift into a daydream of my old life where I got up at my own pace, sorted myself out and was generally enjoying an easy time of it - loved that daydream!!! Then DS would squeak and I'd go and sort him out. I didn't want him gone but I enjoyed pretending he hadn't happened for 5 mins just to catch a whiff of that old carefree life I never knew I had till it was gone! So getting the urge to go out with your mates is totally understandable in my view.

I have a power-mum type friend, who is also a well respected medical doctor and has researched all her parenting choices, and frankly is probably a bit intimidating if you see her from the outside. She uses a dummy with her DD, some babies don't need them, but there are benefits. A dummy may have some disadvantages depending on various things but they are not a product of the devil. At all.

Go easy on yourself - I think you are being far too hard (also normal for a new mum) try to let go of these destructive thoughts which are not true and aren't helping and try to just enjoy what you have.

You are doing great! :)

I tried to get my DC5 to take a dummy from day one. Little bugger wouldnt have any of it.

I feel I failed.

We didn't give ds a dummy, well, by the time we ried at 4 months he spat it out.

DD has had a dummy recently (5 months) and it has made everything easier. SHe naps now! SHe doesn't suck constantly just because I'm there! SHe doesn't get cranky at 5pm!

Do not feel guilty about the dummy.

(Or the rest, obviously!)

What everyone else said.

I had two emcs resulting in two beautiful, gorgeous DDs. Like you I felt like a failure that my birthing plan was thrown so unequivocally out the window (birthing pool, whale music, breathing, yadda yadda). But after 8 and almost 6 years respectively, here is my mantra:

Every birth that results in a healthy baby and a healthy mum is a successful one.

If your little one is only a couple of months old, you are right in the thick of it with sleep deprivation too! It really IMHO does get easier. You sound like a lovely mum.

Stop it. You sound perfect, honestly.

I had 'natural' childbirth with both of my daughters but on the first I was induced with a pessary and on both I had gas and air. I did it naturally because I wanted to but if I had to have an epidural and an ECS I would have with no regrets. My daughters mean more to me than my memories of childbirth. You're not wrong to feel sad that you couldn't but you have a beautiful baby, it's all worth it.

As for EBF, I EBF for two months and four months respectively. The mastitis and bleeding nipples made me opt out. I felt like a failure then but now, knowing they are healthy and happy, I don't care.

Mine both had dummies from a few days old to 16 months. 16 month old DD still has one sometimes. It helps to reduce the risk of SIDS too.

We are not perfect. We take the options given to us be it a dummy or an epidural. You are doing all you can for your child and that is much more commendable than feeling yourself push a baby from your vagina.

MrsdeVere, my first niece would not have a dummy, just spat the thing out.

My second niece did have a dummy, and one of the funniest things I've seen was the older child (then about 16 months) taking the dummy away from the baby and putting it in her own mouth. She then removed the dummy, examined it, and put the handle end in her mouth. Dummy was then removed, inspected again then thrown onto the floor with a look that clearly said 'Nope, still don't understand what all the fuss is about'