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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want MIL with shingles to come and visit DS1&2

60 replies

tiredange · 30/04/2012 13:31

MIL found out she had shingles last thurs. Grandparents day with DS are every tues. Both kids have not had chicken pox but DH and all think it's OK for her to come. She is very touchy, kissy with the kids. Should we carry on regardless?

OP posts:

MiseryBusiness · 30/04/2012 15:18

My DH's Grandma had Shingles over Christmas and I refused to let us go and visit. My DH is the only one of us that has had CP.
Any other time I would probably have gone but I didnt really want me and DD1 and 2 to catch CP over Christmas.
I was given the vaccine for CP whilst pg with DD2 as I'd come into contact with a child with CP and I was told by my consultant and nurse that once I'd had the vaccine I would be immune and DD2 would more than likely be immune too but when we were cosidering visiting DH's Grandma with shingles I phoned GP to make doubly sure we were immune. It turns out I was only given one vaccine, apparently it is meant to be a course of 2 vaccines, so many weeks apart but they only gave me one! So, we are not immune after all.

TheHappyHissy · 30/04/2012 15:56

If your FIL is in contact with MIL, he can carry the virus. Put them both off for a week, then review the situation.

I don't like the eomotional blackmail your SIL is using 'saying that the shingles is caused by the stress of not seeing the GC enough'

Elephantsteaparty · 30/04/2012 16:08

I live about 600 miles away from my god-daughter, and thus I only see her a few times a year and such visits are highly anticipated by her and the rest of her family.

A few years ago she'd had CP about a week before I was due to visit. This would have been ok had my doctor not put me onto high dose steroids and told me that CP or measles could potentially kill me. I wasn't sure I believed him but decided not to take the risk. So I saw my god-daughter from the other side of the room, even though she was probably past the infectious stage.

She was 3, so unable to really understand why her beloved god-mother wasn't hugging her etc. Yes, it was upsetting for all involved, especially as I hadn't seen her for a while and wouldn't for another long stretch, but we did what we had to.

Your MIL is an adult, and fully capable of understanding the situation, which was more than my god-daughter was. If I were you I'd have no compunction to telling her to wait a while, and ignoring the crocodile tears. As for your SIL, she can provide cheering up for your MIL instead!

Seona1973 · 30/04/2012 16:34

If the shingles blisters can be covered with clothing then there is little chance of passing on chicken pox as it is transmitted through direct contact with the fluid from the shingles blisters.. They may even have crusted over by Tuesday so would not be a risk anyway.

shingles risks

shingles treatment

From NHS website:

Staying off work or school

If you or your child has shingles, only stay away from work or keep your child off school if:

the rash is weeping (oozing fluid) and cannot be covered or you or your child are feeling unwell

If the rash is only on your body and can be covered by clothing, there is little risk of passing on the infection to others.

You can return to work and your child can return to school as soon as you or they feel well enough and:

the rash can be covered or the blisters have dried up

MeconiumHappens · 30/04/2012 16:42

Tell her to stop being a selfish git and stay away til shes better. Sheesh, what is she thinking.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2012 17:50

The CP vaccine is rubbish. I live in Canada and they give it as routine here. DD got CP a couple of months after having it. It is only about 80% effective.

Tell MIL and all the other helpful family members to grow up and stop being so bloody ridiculous. Your SIL and DH sound like total babies too.

Original poster

tiredange · 30/04/2012 18:01

I had emailed DH and said I don't think his mum should come tmrw. He agreed and said he would speak to her. BUT just had a call from FIL saying MIL had got worse (as they went out on Saturday night to SIL's house and out for dinner) and she had to spend yesterday and this morning in bed! Sometimes I think they are utter idiots. I was shocked when they said she was still going to SIL for the weekend but SIL and PIL all said she was fine. She has also now got a chest infection. I'm now wondering whether she will even be well enough to have the kids BH Monday as we're meant to go to a wedding. She also just told me on the phong she still had the spots but they were starting to dry up. So, they wanted to come over with oozing spots. Aaarrghhh.

OP posts:

bigjoeent · 30/04/2012 18:10

tiredange, glad your DH has agreed. I can't believe that so many people (ILs in your case) put their own feelings above the health of their children / grandchildren. Its not fair on the children or you as you'd be the one nursing them through it with all the sleepless nights.

Stay firm, she needs to be feeling well and completely scabbed over, I wouldn't risk it even if she covers up any unscabbed spots. I'm not sure I'd believe her if she does she say is well.

saintlyjimjams · 30/04/2012 18:17

Are your children either very young or immunocompromised, or do they have bad eczema? If not surely you want them exposed to chickenpox at some stage in their childhood (you can't want them to get chickenpox as an adult surely?)

Catching chickenpox from shingles isn't as likely as catching it from chickenpox but I always assumed my 3 would get it at some stage (all done and dusted in the pre-school years )

Of course if they're very young or immunocompromised then that won't apply.

RabidAnchovy · 30/04/2012 18:29

I would start looking for other child care for the bank holiday if I were you

Original poster

tiredange · 30/04/2012 18:34

I'm happy to expose them to CP. There's always someone at their nursery with it and we've played with children who have had spots come up a few days after we've played together. Just didn't want to rub their face in it. Obviously not literally!

OP posts:

MumPaula · 30/04/2012 18:55

I'm with MrsPratchett, the CP vax is rubbish. Friend had her Ds vaccinated, he got CP annually till he was 11 mild dose but still a week off school. I got Dd done and she's had CP two years in a row since she started school.
I wouldn't let her come if you or Dh have had CP but is the kids are old enough (not little babies) I'd expose them and get it over with.

rollmeover · 30/04/2012 19:04

I had shingles last year and was due to go to a wedding where there would be lots of children. My GP was Very clear that as long as the children didnt touch the sores directly then there was no risk of passing it on. I went, didnt hug any kids, no problems. My own child (who I was bf at the time) and who I tried to avoid touching the sores though it was more difficult for obvious reasons was also fine.

Its up to you (and understandable that you are reluctant) but get her to cover up and keep the visit short.

GraceK · 30/04/2012 19:32

Is there a particular reason why you don't want your DS to get chicken pox now? They are almost certainly going to have to get it at some point in their childhood & they say that once a child is over a year (& doesn't have any immunity issues), it's better to get it out of the way.

Both our children had it before 2 years old and seemed to be less upset by it than their friends who had it later. They only seemed to scratch the spots they could see - so were fine when dressed & only tried to scratch at bath time. They needed regular paracetamol and were a bit whingy but not the crazy, scratching, distressed children that we saw at DD1's primary school last year when it went round like wildfire.

Just a thought.

ragged · 30/04/2012 19:36

Not making any sense, (in which case yadbu). Happy for them to be exposed to the virus when it's CP but not when it's shingles? What's the difference?

Original poster

tiredange · 30/04/2012 19:40

Those of you who've had shingles how long did you feel awful? Not so much worried about DS getting CP more if MIL is well enough to look after them. FIL pretty useless. We due to go to a wedding 250 miles away on BH Monday and they were having for the night. Now she also has chest infection am thinking I need a back up plan....

OP posts:

Original poster

tiredange · 30/04/2012 19:43

Am happy for DS to get CP. Probably more concerned about her ability to look after them when she's feeling ropey. I know when I've been ill I don't have the energy or patience to look after 2 boys.

OP posts:

herhonesty · 30/04/2012 19:46

YABU. you say you turn a blind eye to children with cpox at nursery but you dont do the same with your MIL? odd... are you actually looking for an excuse not to see MIL??

SarahStratton · 30/04/2012 19:48

I've not had shingles (yet), but I have had CP four times - neither the DDs or I seem to be able to make any immunity. One of those four times was caught from a neighbour with shingles. She did not touch me at any stage, she sneezed though, and I am sure that's how I caught it.

I wouldn't go near her with a bargepole.

comedycentral · 30/04/2012 21:12

Tell her to stay away, I can't believe she would want to risk their/your health like this!

PenguinArmy · 30/04/2012 21:19

i was under the impression if babies caught cp there was a good risk they wouldnt pick up immunity for it, hence im a bit precious with DS but not with DD although DD has the vax due to us being in the states for a year

MrsMcEnroe · 30/04/2012 21:20

My mum had shingles for a month OP; I would definitely start looking for alternative childcare for Monday, especially if your MIL has a chest infection (antibiotics need to be taken for 7 days I believe, and she might still feel rubbish afterwards).

saintlyjimjams · 30/04/2012 21:39

But they're MORE likely to catch chickenpox from chickenpox than from shingles. So if you're not worried about them being exposed to chickenpox it's a bit bonkers to fuss about them being exposed to shingles. Which is far less infectious.

I could understand if you had particular reasons to avoid chickenpox but your logic isn't making much sense to me on this one.

auntpetunia · 30/04/2012 21:56

YANBU my DS has chicken pox and so I haven't seen my mum for two weeks, I haven't gone to her care home as I didn't want to give her or the old ladies shingles. As soon as DS goes back to school and there is no sign of DD getting it I will go see her. it's killing me not seeing her, she's got dementia so I can't even phone to talk to her. To be fair to her she probably hasn't missed me but I still wouldn't take the chance.

tell DH that MIL will not be visiting until all spots are scabbed over.

Seona1973 · 30/04/2012 22:01

You can't get shingles from chicken pox and your Lo would not have been contagious after 5-7 days so no need to avoid for 2 weeks.

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